Dear Bro Jo,
I am a 26 year old single man. Boy did this last conference put the pressure on. While I have often struggled finding someone, I am currently in a relationship with a woman that I am quite in love with. We have only been dating about six months, and I do have some small concerns, but feel that moving ahead is wise.
She says that she loves me too, and we broke up a couple months ago for a couple weeks, because she wanted to serve a mission, but changed her mind saying she couldn't live without me. However when the topic of marriage comes up, she feels conflicted.
She feels like she could do better, and while she says it makes sense to get married, and the physical attraction is strong, her emotion just isn't into it. What should I do? What can I do to close the sale if you will, I don't want to pressure her, but I want to court her, and I struggle finding that line. I don't want to ask her to marry me if she's not sure, because I worry she would say yes and then back out.
Thanks Bro Jo,
Getting mixed signals
Dear Mixed,
I think you need to stop making excuses.
Do you want to marry her, or not?
If you do, then propose. If you don't, move on. If you're not sure, move on.
Although I've got to tell you , it sounds to me like you are sure, and frankly, that she is, too. It's just that she wants you to take decisive action. She wants you to reassure her of that which you both know.
It's called having faith, my brother.
Look, one of the reasons all of us old guys think that all of you young guys have no excuses for not being married by the time you're 23 is that we've gained the distance and experience to know that what makes a good wife is faith, hope and charity; and we think that if all of you would just stop being selfish and self-centered you'd stop procrastinating and get married. But it's like everything else: if you want to find a good wife, you've got to be the type of guy that will be a good husband.
Now, let me focus on the one truly disturbing thing in your email: you said that this woman thinks she can do better than you. Brother, if she actually said that, if she honestly feels that way, get out of the relationship now. Break it off and tell her why. Look her dead in the eye and say "so much of me wants to propose to you, but I never want to be in a relationship where I'm worried that I'll always be the consolation prize; if you change your mind, please let me know, but until then, we're done".
The world is full of misguided, and honestly, stupid stupid stupid people who abandon their marriage and their families because they think they can "do better". Don't even start down that road. There are too many great women in this world to pick from.
My hope is that you're either wrong, exaggerating, or that you putting it to her will help her realize that she's wrong.
But whatever your path, stop sitting around.
Oh, and by the way, six months is plenty of time to figure out whether or not a person will be a good spouse and companion for you. Check out "Bro Jo's List of Stuff You Need to Know Before You Get Engaged".
- Bro Jo
4 comments:
"[W]e think that if all of you would just stop being selfish and self-centered you'd stop procrastinating and get married."
Whoa - ALL? All unmarried men over 23 are "selfish, self-centered" and procrastinating?
Painting with a broad brush, are we not?
"All" is "us old guys", and right, wrong, or just literary hyperbole to make a point, let me tell you that as someone who's usually one of the youngest (if not THE youngest) guy when the "old guys" get together, it does seem pretty universal: we just can't wrap our heads around how you can be a single LDS guy over the age of 23.
Now, that's easy for "old guys" to say, we're married and old, but look around! The Church is full, and I mean FULL of (as I wrote) wonderful, amazing women who are the epitome of "Faith, Hope and Charity"; women who are smart, fun, and good, good people, who will make any man smart and lucky enough to marry them a wonderful help-meet.
But too many men within our faith:
- lack the social skills to talk to a woman
- or hide behind some unrealistic fantasy of the "perfect" girl
- or lack self-confidence, thinking no woman would want them
- or have allowed the world to convince them that they have to obtain a list of worldly possessions first
- or are too immersed in video games and toys to grow up
- or, as is OFTEN the case, have something going on in their life as to make them unworthy (frankly, typically that means porn)
or any host of things. We each bring to the conversation our own shortcomings (which certainly includes me), trials and challenges, but when it comes to marriage, as an "old guy" I believe that LDS men avoid this commandment for selfish reasons.
Marriage is about putting another person ahead of yourself, and it's hard to find someone to do that for if your focus is always inward.
I don't typically quote Church material here, but I invite you to read or listen to President Monson's closing remarks of April's priesthood session ->
http://lds.org/general-conference/2011/04/priesthood-power?lang=eng
23 was an arbitrary number I used to make a point, particularly because the writer stated that he's 26. Brigham Young said that a man unmarried by 25 was a menace to society; to be honest I don't know that I'd label either 25 (or even 23) as a "menace", but I'm not alone in my belief that any non-selfish worthy LDS man should be able to walk into any young single adult conference and easily find a dozen single women that would be a great spouse for him.
Put it to the test!
Think of an "age ready to marry", temple-worthy single LDS man that you know and care for who isn't in a committed relationship, and wander into your local university ward. Talk to the sisters there and see if you can't come up with a decent list for him.
A smart, unselfish man will ask out every girl on your list. If your guy doesn't, I'd love to hear his reasons why, especially if you don't think they're selfish and self-centered.
Seriously, if you think they're great, then what's his problem? Why not even date them? And why, for heaven's sake, didn't he make the same effort you did on his behalf?
He'll make a bunch of excuses, and I believe that in that moment you'll agree with me.
Broad brush?
Absolutely!
Hyperbole?
Guilty as charged.
Am I wrong?
No.
- Bro Jo
Pardon me for butting in, but I'd certainly hope that my future husband sees more in me than someone among the "wonderful, amazing women who are the epitome of 'Faith, Hope and Charity'; women who are smart, fun, and good, good people, who will make any man smart and lucky enough to marry them a wonderful help-meet". I'd hope that there was something truly special there, a "spark" if you will. I'm not saying that you can only have this kind of connection with one person, but I think it's much rarer than just settling for "someone who will make a good help-meet". Despite what anyone says, that "thing" is important if you want to have a happy, healthy eternal marriage. I'm not saying that this constitutes finding the "perfect person", because nobody will find him/her. Nobody is perfect or will embody everything you want in a spouse. But the "it" factor is important.
@ Kelsey -
Your comments are always welcome.
And I agree that having a "spark", or passion, or whatever you want to call it, is important.
To most people.
At the beginning.
And while,even after 20+ years together I still have the hots for Sister Jo, "sparks", while great are not what make a marriage work.
- Bro Jo
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