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Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Are They "More Than Friends"?

Dear Bro Jo,

So... I could give you the extremely long and drawn-out version of this story, or the quick summary.

I'm going with the summary.

Now, I'm fully aware of your rule "Guys can't be 'just close friends' with Girls" rule, and I must say I agree with it. However, there are exceptions to every rule, and I want to know if my situation is one of them-- or how I can tell.

Ok, so there's this guy. We'll call him Fred. Fred and I have known each other since we were primary-aged, and we are now YSA's. For the majority of the time we knew each other, we didn't speak. If we did, it was extremely rare and out of necessity. However, during the past year, he has suddenly begun to initiate conversations with me... which then turned into friendship... which have now become a close friendship. A few nights ago, we stayed up watching movies and chatting about life until the wee hours of the morning. He's had a few girlfriends during this time, but they never last long, and they never seem to stop him from wanting to hang out with me.

I guess I'm just wondering what is going on.

A part of me thinks he has feelings for me, but another part of me thinks I've just entered the Friend Zone with no hope of turning back. I know it's usually the guy friend who develops feeling for the girl, but I'm terrified that, in this case, it is me who has the feelings and he's completely fine with being just friends. I'm scared that if I confess that I think we should try to move beyond friendship, he'll completely reject me and things will be extremely awkward every Sunday for a very long time.

On the other hand, if he is interested in me, I'm scared that he will never do anything about it-- he's somewhat insecure, and when he has asked me to do things with him in the past (like going over his house after Institute) I completely turn him down 90% of the time. Not on purpose; I don't even realize what I've potentially done until the conversation is over. Plus, I may have mentioned once or twice that I am not interested in dating right now, I just want to concentrate on school (not completely true... but I was put on the spot and it just came out).

Basically, this is a very messy situation, and I don't really know how to fix it.... or if I should even bother trying.

~ Ms. Over-Analytical

P.S.-- If any details need clarification, ask and I would be happy to answer. =) I realize this was a lot of "stuff" pushed into a few paragraphs.

Dear Over,

I'm grateful I got the "quick summary"!

First of all, rules that have exceptions almost never exist; "Men Can't Stay 'Just Close Friends' with Women" is one of those for which there is NEVER an exception.

This guy likes you, as much more than a friend. If he didn't he wouldn't be spending the time with you that he is.

Now, whether or not he knows it or intends to ever do anything about it may be a totally different matter. For all I know you could be his backup or safety net. (Neither is good, by the way.)

One thing is certain, though: "watching movies and chatting until wee hours of the morning" is NOT a good idea.

- Bro Jo

Dear Bro Jo,

Wow-- thank you for the response.

And for the record-- when I say "his" house, I really mean his parents' house-- meaning, we weren't alone. But, yes, it being so late probably wasn't the best of ideas. We should have cut it off earlier.

Is there anything I can do to help him along in either realizing it and/or doing anything about it?

- Over

Dear Over,

Yeah, um, TALK TO HIM.

Tell him how you feel and what you expect.

And, no, even at his parent’s house, staying up all night together is not good, whether you’re a “couple” or not. If anything it makes you seem, well . . . frankly, a little desperate and easy.

- Bro Jo


Anonymous said...

I agree except for one thing.... I don't think her staying over at his house chatting makes her seem "desperate and easy". When there's someone you connect with and enjoy talking to, conversations can become long... much longer than you intended. You just keep talking. And since they seem to be good mates, it's not hard to believe they might have long conversations like you would with any other friend. I don't know. I guess it depends on what the conversations are about.

Dave Johnston said...

You've missed an important qualifier. The writer said "until the wee hours of the morning".

Good conversation or not, even if nothing happened, leaving his place the next morning still looks like "the walk of shame".

- Bro Jo