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Thursday, January 12, 2012

Casual Group Dates and Jealous Girls

Dear Bro Jo,

I was introduced to your blog by my friend's mom, and hearing about it, I thought it would be a load of waffle to tell the truth.

 That is definitely not true. I love reading your blogs and the stories that people submit are a great help to me.

I have been friends with this girl for almost all my life, as little kids we would always have play dates and we even got "married" lol. (I'm just telling you this so you can understand some of my feelings for her). Later I moved away and didn't see her for a few years and when i came back we weren't as good of friends. Some time elapsed and since we lived a stake away our families stopped seeing each other so often. By the time we were fourteen we went to our first dance and the first girl I ever danced with, and she asked me for my number and we've been texting for 3yrs. I'm barely-17-she 16 btw. The week that i turned sixteen our families had dinner together and then she and I went to my stake's dance, it was really awesome and when I drove her home she kissed me, and told me she loved me!

That was a little confusing especially since she was still with her bf.

Time went by and we still texted and when she turned 16, I asked her out- mostly because she was feeling so bad (this was a month or so after she did the thing with her bf I would later find out) but also because I liked her. About a week later, she asked me out to a basketball game but I was on vacation so I couldn't go.

That set us back a bit, nothing really happened for about six months, but we texted a lot. Eventually she broke up with her bf for good.

Then she invited me to her Ward's lake activity and we had a great time and afterward we spent some time at my stake's dance together. The next morning she asked me if I liked her and I said I did and she acted like I was dumb for not noticing (not meanly, just playfully).

We tried to find out ways to be together more, but it was pretty hard because of where we live, and none of my church friends would go on Casual Group Dates. Finally a time came up and we went out. This was the most awkward night of my life, not because of her, but because we were pretty much babysitting this guy who originally planned the date but then got dumped-he has lots of issues so I had to focus on keeping him happy.

Before the date, she texted me every day of the week for hours at a time, but for some reason since then she has barely texted me at all. Part of the reason for this I think is that I drove out of state for a homecoming with a girl that had been planned for weeks before I knew she like me.

This second girl I met at youth conference and she really liked me and I didn't want to mess anything up so when she asked me I said yes.

Because of the date with Girl 2, Girl 1 (I'm pretty sure) is mad at me and because of her pre-16 dating habits, is a little emotionally scarred (just like For Strength of Youth says she would be) probably assumes that I'm in love with her.

Although Girl2 is great and everything, I don't know her that well and her being so touchy is a little worrying.

The unfortunate truth is that when Girl 1 asked me if I liked her I lied, I don't just like her . . . I'm pretty sure I love her (at least as a sister, maybe more).

I'm not the type of guy who jumps into relationships (I’ve never had a gf). The reason I say "love" is because of how strong our relationship became and how much we share with each other. I'm afraid that the date with Girl 2 may have ruined things between us. Since then she told me she has a crush on a guy 2yrs younger than her!

I'm really hoping that this is her way of making me jealous, because it's working. Because of her first bf, I think she feels like she needs a bf to make her feel like she is worth anything. Another thing that definately is messing her up is that when she was with this guy, they almost had a child... Yeah that’s bad.

So here are my questions:

1) Do you think that I should even be pursuing this girl from the start with her history (she is temple worthy and done with her bf btw)?

2) What can I do to make things better with her?

3) She hasn't said she doesn't like me anymore, so either she is just upset that I'm "with" Girl 2, or she likes this freshmen more.

So do you think that I can fix this and try to pursue her? Just as much as a guy two years from his mission should.

If you could respond ASAP that would be great, or just at all lol.

I am Really torn up about her, and I think she feels pretty strongly about me too but this situation with Girl 2 messed stuff up.

Either way, your blogs are great!

- Name Withheld

PS- if you have any questions feel free to ask.

Dear NW,

1. At your age, and with missionary goals (which is Exactly what I want to hear) I don't think you should be "pursing" ANY girls. Casual Group Dates? Absolutely! Spending "boyfriend" level time with clingy, possessive girls who equate their value with whether or not they're in a relationship? No way. Not even if you think you might be falling in love with them. Actually, especially not then.

2. What you Should Do regarding Girl #1 will likely not make things "better". What you need to do is to Talk To Her. You need to tell her that you think she's great, and that she is without a doubt a girl you'll consider Serious Single Dating when you come home from your mission, IF she's still single then, but right now your goal is to serve an honorable mission, and you know that will be easier if you don't have any serious girlfriends to leave behind.

Tell her you think she's beautiful and smart and a lot of fun, and you hope the two of you can keep going on Casual Group Dates. Teach her that means that you're both going to be dating other people, that for your part you won't be getting serious with anyone. I HOPE she realizes that she's wonderful simply because she's a Daughter of God (you may want to testify of that) and that her value is in no way connected to her relationship with a guy, but to be honest . . . she's very likely to get angry, act hurt, and could quite possibly show a very ugly side that you'll be sad and confused about (but grateful you found out now and not post-sealing).

3. When talking to a girl, of any age, a guy should never bring up other girls. Even if you're using the other girl as an example of how wonderful she is and what a shrew the other girl was it can lead to disaster. Eventually you may be in a Very Serious Relationship that will require full disclosure as part of the relationship progression. Then you can and should say stuff. But that's a while off, my brother.

Thank you for the kind words, and good luck with Girl #1.

Let me know how it all turns out.

Oh, and keep going on Casual Group Dates. Teach the priests in your area how much fun they are, and try to focus on the girls in your own area. And consider going on a few more outings with Girl #2 as well.

- Bro Jo

Dear Bro Jo,

Thanks soo much for responding so fast, it's really kind of you to take some of your time to help me with my problems. It's pretty ironic that you described her as clingy; because she said that was an issue with her old bf, and she is self-conscious about being clingy when in fact she is.

And just FYI, i didn't mean to bring up Girl #2, Girl #1 asked me about it because of some stuff on Facebook. I'm assuming that I should talk to her in person, I'll try to find a way for that to work, but it may be hard as we live a ways away. If that doesn't work I'll txt her (which is usually how we talk about stuff like this).

Thanks so much for your advice, I'll keep reading your column, and I'll tell you when stuff happens.

- NW

Dear NW,

Relationship stuff should never be handled by text. Do it in person or do it over the phone or if you absolutely must Hand Write a personal letter (not a note, a letter).

And, as a side note, it seems to me that you're texting WAY too much.

- Bro Jo

Dear Bro Jo,

You are right, I do text too much. I will try to talk to her in person or at least call soon.

Thanks for the advice

- NW

Dear NW,


- Bro Jo


Jdawg, aka "Der Schwarzhund" said...

The fact that this girl would kiss another guy and tell him she loves him, while in a relationship, is disturbing and quite a red flag; however, considering the fact that this same exact thing is found the "twilight," I have to wonder if there is a connection...

MaMichelle said...

Didn't you say in another post that you'd never advise a preemie guy to date an out-of-state girl? And isn't girl #2 just that? I'm confused!

Dave Johnston said...

@ MaMichelle,

I probably did . . . it's a lot to keep track of!

But when I originally responded to this letter I assumed Girl #2 was still in the same state as the writer. Yes, he mentions meeting her at a Youth Conference, and yes, in the second letter he mentions that she lives "a ways away", but in my head I figured that meant that she was probably a stake or two over, but in the same state, since he says that he took her on a date.

I could be wrong.

Happens all the time - just ask Sister Jo!

And, you know what? Reading through this again I'm not sure that I suggested he date Girl #2 . . .

But, like I said, I could be wrong.

- Bro Jo

MaMichelle said...

Wait a second... I think you edited out part of the original post that made things more clear about Girl #2. There was something about him going out of state to her homecoming, yes? But in any case I definitely *did* read "And consider going on a few more outings with Girl #2 as well"

. Anyway, regardless of editing and my confusion, your advice seems spot-on, as usual. Both Name Withheld and Girl #1 will be best served by avoiding any kind of "relationship" and going on lots of casual group dates with a variety of different people. This is the time in their lives for fun and variety; trying to create an exclusive relationship is setting themselves up for just the opposite--inevitable heartbreak.

Dave Johnston said...

Didn't edit this one, I promise, but I do get a lot of letters from guys mentioning a "Girl #2".

And you're right, I did tell him to consider going out with Girl #2 more (part of my push to get him to date more than one person) - but I assumed he was in the same state as her - and that's my fault (unless, of course, she is).

Thanks for the kind words, as always, and thanks for keeping me on my toes!


- Bro Jo