Cheesy Wednesdays: What to Say to a Friend That's Hurting

Dear Bro Jo,

Sorry it’s late.

I have a really difficult question. And I had no idea who to ask.

Until I was like "Oh wait I know someone that gives great advice!"

So here's the situation: My best friend from school has a really unstable family. Her biological mother had a drug addiction and was abusive. Her parents finally got divorced 3 years ago. She and her sisters lived with her dad (also somewhat crazy)' he got married to this woman whom everyone loved!

The last few months she has become an alcoholic, and my friend’s dad divorced her.

Last week she, her dad, and her sisters moved out.

Today her dad’s house burnt down. She is having a really hard time with all this.

I have been praying for her, but she doesn't want to hear anything if it is "Church related".

I want to help her but I have no idea what to say to her.

Please give your thoughts.

It’s much appreciated.

- Cheese Herself




Dear Cheese,

When tragedy befalls those we love, often what they need is not for us to say anything, but for us to listen.

Some very good family friends had a son die mysteriously when he was 16.  He came home one afternoon and said "I have a headache" and his mom encouraged him to go lie down.  (Who wouldn't?)

He kissed her on the cheek and went to bed.

A short time later she went in to check on him . . . and he had died.

There was nothing she could have done different.  Nothing that any of us would have done different.

It just happened.

As sometimes things in life do.

Many years after his death I asked her how what advice she had for others.

She said that she still misses him very much, is of course comforted by the knowledge that she and her husband have that they will see him again, but the best piece of advice she would give is not to the people who suffer these kinds of tragedies, but to the people around them.

She said that when it happened she felt like everyone cut her off; everyone seemed so afraid of making her sad that they kind of stopped talking to her.  Now she can look back and realize that they were both scared of having to deal with something similar in their own lives and frankly just not sure what to do or say.  They seemed afraid of making her sadder by bringing up the topic, so they pretended like nothing happened when they were around her.

What people didn't understand, she said, was that she wanted to talk about her son.  She NEEDED that.  She wishes now that people weren't so afraid of her tears, and their own, and that they had given her opportunities to discuss and remember him.

Now, not everyone is the same . . . not everyone wants to talk about these kinds of things . . . and it can be very affronting when people seem pushy to those that just want to close the door and deal with the situation in solitude . . . (Sister Jo is a lot like that, by the way), but I think one over-riding principle is universal:  people need to know that we're there for THEM, not for us.

That's a tricky thing when it comes to being charitable, or more importantly being a Good Friend.

Of course keep praying, but mostly just be there for your friend . . . listening.

Hear what she needs to say, and ask the Spirit to help you know what her needs are.

You're a Good Friend, Cheese.

 - Bro Jo