What Can You Do or Say When Your Single Mom is Having Sex with Her Boyfriend?

Hey Bro Jo,

I have an issue with my mom and I'm not sure what to do about it...you're so good at helping people out I thought maybe you'd know!

My parents are divorced; Mom grew-up in the Church, Dad's a convert (guess why). They lived together before marriage and my mom got pregnant. She has said that it was stupid and she doesn't want any of us to make the same mistake. And now she has a boyfriend and they are currently sleeping in her room as I type.

She says that the "roads are bad" (they're not, at all).

She says they're adults and they've both been married before and that it's not like they're doing anything...after all, they nap together all the time.

But something about this makes me want to seriously rebel against her.

This little whiny voice in my head keeps saying that if she chooses not to obey her heavenly parents why should I obey my earthly ones?

But I know that's immature of me and as much as I want to go on a no-sleep strike every time he spends the night I know that won't get me anywhere.

They're also buying a house together and plan on moving in together (and taking me and the little sisters too) ASAP. Before marriage. I've talked to her about it, we all have, but she just gets mad and says that we "don't appreciate everything he's done for us" (referring to the fact that he pretty much pays for whatever bills the church and child support can't pay).

I have no choice but to go along for the ride until I can afford to move out so until now I've just been living with the "whatever, it's her life" attitude.

She's right in the fact that it makes better financial sense but, honestly, we live in a pretty big place and could probably sell a lot of stuff and move into a smaller one (my mom insists that wouldn't work though, and she does have more experience than me).

And then he started spending the night here.

Now I don't know what to think. If I had a boyfriend who was unable to get home and I wanted him in my bed, you can bet anything she wouldn't allow it; he'd be either on the couch or at a hotel (which is, of course, how I would have it anyway).

But I know better than to follow her example.

I'm worried about my kid sisters.

To me it seems like, by example, she's almost giving permission to her young girls to do whatever she does.

And that's what worries me.

Backtracking a bit...when she first said she wanted to move in with this guy I told her I'd be fine with it if I heard an "okay" or got a signed note from the Bishop. She rolled her eyes and said something along the lines of "like that'll happen."

And yet, she still asks the Church to pay for rent???

The Church is the reason we still have a vehicle, and yet she's still going around behind their backs like this?

She teaches in the primary, should she really be allowed to do that?

What do I do?

Do I go to her Bishop?

Do I go to mine (YSA ward)?

If I do go to a Bishop what will they do about it?

Would they stop helping with our bills? Or am I just sticking my nose where it doesn't belong? Thanks in advance and I apologize if none of that makes sense...I just don't think it makes sense either and am rather confused...sorry for being so scatterbrained! Signed, Lost Daughter


Dear Lost,

I think the best thing you can do is what you're already doing: learn from the mistakes your mom is making, live your life such that you don't make the same mistakes, and teach those around you (including your sisters) about the how this kind of selfish behavior affects more than just the two people involved.

I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this, but don't allow her loneliness, lack of self-esteem, and plethora of other issues become your excuse to mess up.

Because she's your mom, and because of the legitimate concern you have for your sisters, what's going on is certainly your business.

Sadly, I don't think there's much you can say or do to convince your mother to behave differently.

People who are doing wrong things, justifying them in their own minds, aren't really open to rebuke . . . especially from their children . . .

She knows what she's doing wrong; she just either thinks the "benefits" outweigh the consequences . . . or she doesn't care right now.  (She's totally wrong, of course, but you and I both know she's not going to hear that from either of us.)

When this man finally leaves her

(which I believe he will do once he's gotten everything he wants; or when she finally realizes that he:
A) doesn't love her because he
B) doesn't respect her because
C) you can't respect someone who doesn't respect themselves
and she tries to rectify that by getting him to make a commitment, he'll eventually bolt or cheat)

then perhaps she'll be open to change.

Of course, that won't be the moment for "I told you so", but rather "I love you, mom; you're worth more than that" and "let's find you a man who will love you more than he loves himself".

If you're struggling with all of this Spiritually, then by all means confide in your Bishop.

It’s not your place to rat out your mom to her Bishop; besides, trust me, he probably has a good idea of what's going on, anyway. That's between her and him.

Let it go.

No, I personally don't thing she should be in a position to teach children, or be receiving financial assistance from the Church.  I think discovering her immoral behavior could undermine her authority and credibility with those she's teaching . . . and I think the example she's setting is a horrible one.  (And have I mentioned that she's kidding herself if she thinks people don't know?  Not that the opinions of others should always drive our behavior, but believe me, she's not "getting away" with anything.  People know.  And, right or wrong, they talk.)

I do think it’s okay to talk to your sisters. Don't undermine your mother, don't tell them that she's a bad person, but teach Correct Doctrine.

Talk about how Heavenly Father wants us to save some things for marriage; teach them about value and virtue and chastity and the Spirit. Focus on the Goodness of the Gospel, not on mom and what she's doing wrong.

They'll put two and two together on their own.

You're not "judging" your mother; you love her and can possibly even understand why a lonely and confused person would be making these mistakes.  But you are "judging" her behavior.  What she's doing is wrong and selfish and harmful to herself and others.

Remind your siblings that she's still your mother, and you all should still love her, regardless of any faults she may have, because that's what Christ does; He and Heavenly Father love us unconditionally regardless of the mistakes we make.

And that's pretty darned cool.


You’re not scatterbrained, just a young person having to deal with some adult-type stuff. Hang in there. And when it’s your turn to be faced with similar temptations and challenges, make the better decision.


- Bro Jo


PS:  I think you're learning a lot about how people justify their bad behavior, about the value of self-worth and self-respect . . . and, for the record, when all factors are considered, no, it does not make financial sense for them to buy a house together or live together before they get married.