Dear Bro Jo,
I love your blog and all the wonderful advice you give, thanks so much for being willing to tell it straight! Now, I have a question (bet you didn't see that coming!) and I was hoping you could help me out.
I’m 18 and getting ready to serve a mission.
And I mean, getting ready.
I've only fasted, prayed and gotten an answer, I haven’t even started the paperwork yet!
But as I think about serving a mission there are some misgivings I have and they have to do with my faith and testimony.
Now, there are some aspects of the gospel which I find very easy to embrace and some I find much more challenging. I am, of course, worried about the parts I find hard to embrace, mostly because they seem like pretty big parts.
I have trouble with the concept of the family, and more specifically the father, which has led to a lot of problems regarding my faith in the Church.
I've never left and I still believe the Church is true, I’m not about to disregard it all just because I’m a little unsure about a few things. And it’s not that I think it’s wrong or anything, I've just struggled with certain things it teaches.
Starting with the family.
My family is a little messed up (from my perspective anyway). There is my mom, me, my two younger sisters, and then my two younger brothers. I love them all dearly!
But, then there is the problem of fathers.
My mother married an RM (not in the temple) and then they had me.
One thing led to another and they divorced.
My mother then remarried another RM and then had all four of my siblings (over a period of time, not all at once!).
Their marriage certainly lasted longer, not that that is really a good thing.
She is currently going through her second divorce and it’s a real mess!
Now, if I was going to write down every reason I have daddy/family issues this would be a very long e-mail indeed!
So let it suffice that, I don’t trust men very well and I have serious doubts about the family unit.
Now, I’m worried that when I get out there in the field I’ll have to talk about the family (seems kind of inevitable) and I won't be able to, or know how.
One particular reason I worry about this is, when I was in an institute class on Eternal Marriages (my roommate wouldn't go alone and I needed another class so I opted to go with her, and it was a super fun class!) well, one class we got to talking about the family (shocking , right) and our teacher wanted to call on someone to bear testimony about the family and it’s importance, or something like that.
Fortunately I wasn't called on, but that’s the problem. I started thinking about my testimony on the family unit,wanting to be ready to answer just in case, but I came up blank. If I had been called on to testify that the family is important and what not, I don’t know what I would have said, because I don’t have a testimony of that.
When I think of families being together forever I freeze in horror at the idea of having to live through eternity with the people that I've had to call family thus far! (I have been reassured on countless occasions that I won’t actually have to live with them etc, etc, etc.)
And when I hear how important it is to have family in your life, I wouldn't know. I don’t know any of my biological-paternal family.
I don’t know any of my maternal family.
And as for my step-paternal family, well I was lucky enough to know pretty much all of it, and they had nothing better to do than blame me for every problem in my parents marriage and refer to me as ‘the other child’ or more commonly, ‘it’.
So, no, I don’t think family is all that important. Quite frankly, I could have gone completely without.
Then, I have problems with Heavenly Father.
I've heard before how our earthly father's love is like a reflection of our heavenly father’s love, and having never really received any love from my earthly father’s you can see how my perception of my Heavenly Father might be a little less than stellar.
I’m not saying that I would compare our Heavenly Father’s love to mortal mens, even when they do love you it can’t compare, but I started hearing this really early on, before I really understood that it wasn’t REALLY the same, just a sort of metaphor people were using, but I assumed Heavenly Father must not love me since my own father and stepfather didn’t. I’ve never seen him, and there are a lot of times I felt abandoned by him simply because that’s what I’m used to... If he doesn’t love me, why should he stick around or care what happens to me. I know I’m supposed to have Faith in things like this cause it’s not about ‘seeing’ and such, but I was naive before and had faith in men who were supposed to love me and look where that got me! So faith is hard for me now, especially since I’m very ‘why’ and ‘how’ oriented. I like to KNOW things, I don’t like to just accept them (and it’s been both a blessing and a curse at times.)
So, I had TWO opportunities to learn of a fathers love and BOTH times I ended up worse off than before and my heavenly father hasn’t exactly been there to tuck me in at night and read me bedtime stories and my faith isn't exactly at full capacity right now to make up for it (or even Mustard Seed capacity at the moment), so the idea of 'Father' is pretty negative to me, whether it be heavenly or earthly. I had three families I could have learned to love and be loved from and the only one I got to know was the one that left me worse off. Are these problematic thoughts/beliefs to be having before going on a mission and declaring his gospel, or is it just me? I mean, there’s a whole proclamation on the family, so it’s not like these are topics I can just leave to their sunday school teachers once their converted! And I’m worried. If I’m having troubles with these topics, will it affect my ability to preach the rest of the gospel? I don’t want to go on a mission only to find that I’m holding back my companions. Or that I can’t seem to get any converts...don’t get me wrong, I know it’s not all about converts! I just mean that I don’t want their to be someone out there, ready to hear the gospel, and then I come along and they think, hmmm don’t think so, that Sister didn’t seem to believe what she was teaching... or something like that.
There’s a mormon message (Stay within the lines, I think?) that talks about how you can’t be a hypocrite with the spirit, how the words will stick in your throat! (I know it’s referring to moral cleanliness/worthiness, but still, I would think that would apply to all things, right?)
Ok, so I’m sorry that was so long, and that in the end it seems like there’s a million questions, but I’ve never been known for writing short…anythings…I hope it at least made sense. I guess, in the end, I just want to know if it’ll really affect my mission to not have a testimony of these things? And if it would, what can I do about it? (I can’t exactly whip up a new family to just teach me Family Love 101, right).
Thanks,
Worried Future Sister
Dear Worried,
I don't often do this as part of "Dear Bro Jo", but allow me to teach you some Doctrine.
And maybe some math.
We'll start there, actually.
Have you ever heard of a Venn Diagram?
That's when we use 2 or more circles to explain how you can have two things that are true that sometimes overlap and are both true, and sometimes don't overlap.
Let's look at the facts:
1. Heavenly Father loves all of His Children. How do we know? The most important reason is because He gave His only begotten Son (Christ) to atone for our sins and be resurrected (two different things, btw) so that we can return to live with him again forever. We also know of his love for us by the things he has given us, like: Life, Promptings of the Spirit; Temples, Prophets, The Church, Commandments, and things like the Covenants we make with Him.
2. An Early Father's Love CAN be a reflection of the love our Heavenly Father has for us. No, not always Exactly the Same, but there can be similarities. Earthly Fathers can make Sacrifices for us, sacrifices of Time, Money, Health . . . and they give us stuff sometimes to show their love. Not just presents, but Life and Shelter and other Basic Needs.
3. Some Guys are Good Guys, and some are not.
So here's how we'll illustrate these principles.
1. Draw a BIG circle, and label it "Love Others have for Me".
2. Draw a second circle that overlaps the first. Label it "Men".
3. Draw a dot in the space where the two circles overlap and label it Heavenly Father.
4. Draw a dot outside the overlap section, but in the "Men" circle. You can label that one with your earthly father's name. And add one for you step-dad, too, if you want.
What do we see?
That some of the men you know will love you, and some won't. I wish that the men who have thus far had been more like Heavenly Father, but they weren't.
Believe me, one day they'll regret that.
Just because you've drawn the short stick when it comes to fathers, that doesn't mean that all fathers are unloving jerks.
If your school experience has been anything like mine was . . .
I had some teachers that were horrible. I had a high school science teacher that was drunk every morning, one that cheated on his wife with a girl that was just a year older than I was, and more than a few that either put in no effort at all or that clearly didn't care.
And I had several that were so bad at teaching I'm sure none of us learned anything.
Does that mean that the "whole concept of teaching" is a bad one?
Heck no!
I had many teachers that clearly put in extra effort, that were great communicators, that cared for me an the other students, that honestly worked hard to help us succeed.
Now I'm a teacher, and I try very hard to be one of the good ones because of the positive influence they had on my life.
Perhaps your mother was a better dad than either of your fathers. Perhaps your brother, uncle, sister, aunt, Bishop, Home Teacher, Good Friend or Mission President will fill that role for you. Perhaps your first experience with someone who's a Great Father will be watching your Eternal Companion be a great father to his children, loving them in a Christlike way, having learned how to be a great dad from his father, just as Jesus learned from Our Father in Heaven.
One thing you clearly have a testimony of, dear sister, is the Importance of Strong Family Connections!
Isn't that what the Gospel is all about?
You say that you don't, but what I read is that you wish yours had been better. And that desire is, I think, because you know how important they are!
Family is more than just a dad . . . and it's not just a one-way thing.
Where would your mother and siblings be if they hadn't had you in their family to help them get through these difficult and trying times?
Recognizing how important family is, building a good family, and striving to all be together for Time and All Eternity?
THAT'S the message you need to proclaim.
And while it stinks that you're currently 0 for 2 on the Good Earthly Dad department, you're 1 for 3 when we include Heavenly Father, who loves you SO MUCH . . . even when you have struggles and doubts.
If you count the "father of this world", who is Christ, then you're 2 for 4 . . . add in a good "father of the ward" (your Bishop) or two, a mission president (or two) and you're ahead of the game!
And, consider this: don't you think that there are others out there that have had similar (or even worse) experiences to yours when it comes to earthly fathers?
Don't you think they could benefit from your love and experience? Aren't there people that need to hear your testimony that even though sometimes we end up with a less than perfect family (that's all of us, by the way), that the Gospel of Jesus Christ is still true?
Of course!
I hope that some day you'll be able to help them find the Joy in the Gospel that you need to find.
But mission or no, you know what I think is most important?
That you learn from your mother's mistakes and pick a man who will be a better father to your children than these men were to you.
No, simply being an RM is not a guarantee (as you, and your mother, well know), but like many RM's you'll want to find a Good and Worthy Priesthood holder who will take you to the Temple.
One other thought: if you serve a mission you may meet a few guys that you can picture not being good guys even when they go home from their missions . . . but I bet you'll meet a TON of Great Guys who you'll grow to know will be outstanding fathers.
Lastly, let me share one other Gospel Fact with you: our Testimonies of all or part of the Gospel need not be perfect for us to share them or for them to be true. Everyone has doubts and questions from time to time.
Everyone.
We all get tempted . . . we all struggle . . . we all wonder . . . we all question . . . we all ponder.
That's part of the nature of being human.
It's like you said at the beginning of your email: while our experiences and ourselves may not be perfect, Christ and His Gospel are. It's okay to be his representative and to help others find joy with out "knowing" everything.
I think we, as a culture, often make a mistake (perhaps even mislead people) when we bear testimony. It's very common within the Church for people to stand up and say "I know" . . . and perhaps they do . . . but it's also okay to stand up and say "I believe" and "I hope".
As a missionary the Spirit will guide you, will help you know what to say.
But then . . . that can happen to each of us every day.
- Bro Jo
[Dear Readers,
Can you help this Future Sister Missionary with her Testimony of Fathers by sharing positive stories of your own?
- Bro Jo]
7 comments:
Dear Future Sister Missionary,
I am a grown woman. I had a difficult childhood (not as difficult as yours, tho) in that I had a cold, angry mother and a weak father who couldn't stop my mother from bullying her children. I spoke in church on Mother's Day this year, and it was very difficult. What I finally felt inspired to share was that we get (usually) two chances at a parent/childhood relationship. The one we are born into, which we have no control over, and the one we develop with our own chidren. We have EVERY control over the kind of parent we BECOME. We can overcome negative experiences we have growing up by watching the people we KNOW to be good parents, and learning from them. We can allow ourselves to be unofficially "adopted" into loving families, and learn from them, and enjoy their love.
And, ultimately, we can develop tolerance and forgiveness for our parents. It can take years, but Heavenly Father does love you, and he loves THEM. Their mistreatment of you saddens him, but it does not mean he loves you less because they weren't good parents. They had that parent/child relationship choice, too....and were free to choose. (That's where the forgiveness comes in; they chose poorly, and it affected your entire life.)
Best wishes to you.
Worried,
I am a convert to the church. I was baptized at age nine and the only one in my family to join the church. My dad was never in the picture and my mom's live-in boyfriend was an abusive drunk. At 15, I chose to move to live with my dad who was a stranger to me. We didn't get along. While he wasn't abusive, he still was hardly around and when he was he wasn't the best example for a teenage girl, especially in his dating habits. Because my dad was never home, I found myself at my friend's homes all the time. Specifically, my friends who were members of the church whose families I loved being around, who treated me as their own--one of whom was my Bishop. It was his family that got me through that time. His example of a loving and righteous father and Priesthood Leader was exactly what I needed. He even gave me Father's blessings along with his kids before school started each year. It was a blessing to have that otherwise I might have had similar feelings to yours as I was leaving home for college (or a mission in your case). Fast forward 8 years and today, I have a husband who is so wonderful. And he's a great father too!
Bro Jo is dead on when he said you do have a testimony of family. You know it's important. And really, whose family is perfect? None are but so long as you work together, with the same goal in mind, you can't go wrong.
Keep the Faith a little longer and the Lord will bless you with a loving example.
As a returned sister missionary who has her own family problems, I wanted to say two things:
1. you will teach in a companionship. Your companion can bear testimony of family- your testimony is not the only one the lesson is counting on.
2. Many of the people you teach will not have perfect families, either. Most of the families I worked with had their own issues. You can draw from your experience about how the gospel and prayer can help them through hard times, whatever their circumstance. I held the hands of women whose husbands were caught cheating, single moms who didn't know how they could face raising their children alone, children with abusive parents, wives of violent alcoholic husbands- having a less then perfect family, you can draw from your own experience to comfort them through the gospel.
Realize that you are not alone- many of my mission companions had family issues (divorce or dysfunction), and many came from nonmember, part member, or inactive families.
I have been blessed in so many ways for serving, and know that you will be sent to the mission and ares where your testimony is needed to bless others.
Our family of origin is our beginning it should not be our ending. I was not blessed with an involved father but my husband is the man I hoped would be involved in my life. He plays with our children, takes them on dates, tells them how beautiful they are and goes to work early so he can be home for dinner. I did not have a typical mormon family but I built one with help of Heavenly
Father. The Savior can heal you and he will always try. Learn to use your experiences to overcome the past. God does want everyone to have a loving family but we are having a human experience and must learn how to be a great mother or a great father. Use the spirit wisely and be something different. Best of luck on your mission.
My dear sister,
I think that you are going through a refiner's fire of sorts. It's hard to live through now, but I think when you look back on all the experiences you've had because of your families, you will realize how far you have come, how much you have grown, how faithful you really are and are becoming.
I can tell you for certain that Heavenly Father loves YOU. And He shows His love for you in so many ways! Have you looked at your house? He sent the architects and construction workers to build it, knowing that someday you would learn within its walls. Have you looked at your siblings? Would your family be the same without them? I'm sure they are or at least could be a comfort and a blessing to you. Turn to them to confide in. Have you looked outside at the sun? Every time you feel the warmth of its rays, it's like a testament that God loves YOU, that YOU are His child, and that He will NEVER leave you alone. If we pray to know of Heavenly Father's love for us, we can find it in the little things.
I've grown up not loving my family situation. The question constantly crosses my mind 'why would you have so many children? It's one thing to say your love grows, but it's impossible for your attention to grow'
My parents clearly do not have the capacity to have a one on one relationship with all their children and that was the hardest thing for me. I have always felt like I'm on my own in this. That they don't deserve to know about my life.
Recently the sister missionaries in my ward asked me to share about how the gospel blesses families. My first instinct was to give the classic answers. My second was to think of the example my friends family have Shown me. These didn't feel right. Instead i used my own family. We are not the classic Mormons. My parents will be forever trying to catch up to where they could have been. Always fighting against past mistakes and the consiquences that follow.
But it is because of the gospel that my parents are still together, that we have a roof over our heads. That I have inspiring older siblings and curious younger siblings. That we as their children laugh with each other, cry with each other, plot with each other.
My mother is not perfect. She is broken. We at times have broken her heart. But every day she tries. The gospel is what makes her try.
My father is not perfect. He is broken. Work has broken him. But every day he works the extra hours for us. The gospel makes him try.
The gospel was never meant for perfect people.
Dear Sister,
The restored gospel that you will help preach gives me so much hope. Thank you for the choices you are making to bring this truth to those who know not where to find it. ...Or some who may need a little reminding about where to find it again.
Hold on to true principles. Here are a few things from the restored gospel that helps me continue to have hope for my future.
As a daughter of the Creator, you can create a family atmosphere that is different from the one you grew up with.
We are agents unto ourselves, meant to act and not be acted upon.
"Men can change!" -President Monson
These truths give me hope that my future doesn't have to mimic my mother's past. They empower me. And that enabling power comes from Christ, the most excellent example of what a man could and should be.
Shine on, Sister!
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