Meet the Parents

Dear Bro Jo,

So I've been sixteen for about six months and I've been having fun going on group dates. But I was reading some of your other messages and saw a few things about the boy meeting parents before the date.

I've gone on quite a few dates, and my parents haven't asked to meet any of the boys I've gone on dates with. I don't know why they don't, but I think sometimes I would like them to.

I've only dated guys that I think my parents would approve of, and they ask questions and such about them and ask how the date went when I get home.

I guess it could be a sign that they trust me, but is it not normal for them not to meet the boy?

I mean sure I sometimes think my parents are weird, but they are just being parents... and I'd like them to meet my dates.

Should I say something to them next time I get asked out?

Would it be weird for my date if I invited him in to meet my parents first?

And if I did invite him in how does that usually go, like how long should we stay and talk to my parents? 

Thanks!

- Sixteen and Dating




Dear Dating,

I think there are a couple things that should be adjusted in your dating pattern.

1. When a boy comes to your home to pick you up (and that's how that should always happen, btw), it should be one of your parents that answers the door, not you or one of your siblings. This is when the parent meeting should go on. 

Even if a boy has taken you out several times before or it's someone your parents know very well, by meeting him at the door they have a chance to confirm the Date Plan, and show this boy that they care who their daughter is going out with and what she's doing. The formality is, to me, part of the fun! 

I believe in looking the guy in the eye and give him a firm hand shake so he understands just exactly who's little girl is going out on the date; until someone marries her, she's mine, not his, and he'd better be responsible and treat her well. 

2. You should be upstairs or in your room or somewhere away from the door / entry area when the boy arrives. He needs to wait for you, not you waiting for him.  Setting that tone will help both of you socially.

3. If it's a first date with a particular boy, then there needs to be a "this is what I expect from you when you date my daughter" talk. 

(Side note: the Jo Boys are actually very disappointed when the talk doesn't happen. One was so impressed with the father that showed him his assault rifle and weapons collection - making a point, sure, but more of a joke since he knew my son very well, that he has increased respect for this man. When his younger brother took out one of the other girls from the same family and didn't get the same firearms demonstration he was kind of bummed.*) 

It doesn't have to be threatening, but it's a good idea to remind the date how much the daughter is loved. 

And it doesn't have to be the father having the talk; Some people may think I'm "too old fashioned"; I think they're being lazy.

Parents should greet all of their kids' friends when they come over to the house; date or otherwise.

Parents, to get to know your kids' friends.


It's great that your parents trust you. They may not know that you want them to meet your dates. Communicate!

Don't wait until the next guy asks to talk to them about it. Bring it up at dinner tonight. Tell them what you'd like, and ask them if they're willing. Then, when the next opportunity arises, remind them.

Parents can be pretty cool if we give them a chance.

Happy dating!

- Bro Jo


*Note:  All of this stuff needs to happen in context, of course.  This particular father new our family very well, and while he was making a point, he was also bonding with my son who not only got the point, and enjoyed the spirit and humor in which it was made, he also really liked seeing "the arsenal".

I mention this because there's always some people out there who think that this all adds up to "boys bad, girls good", which is . . . frankly . . . not what's being said at all.  I had one young man gleefully write to me once about how when a father had (I believe in humor) done the whole "I have a shotgun" routine, the boys dad then proceed to assault that girl's father, claiming he was protecting his son from this threatening man.

The young man and his father were both morons.  IMHO.  And likely didn't get the jail time they deserved.  I suppose the irony is that, given the overblown reaction, this man really did have a reason to fear for his daughter's safety . . . and both he and his daughter were undoubtedly better off that she never dated this boy.

So . . . dads (and moms), don't run right out there and start copying the "I have a gun" routine.  We live in a world now that's, sadly, full of idiots.  But do make sure you know the people your sons and daughters are spending time with.  Do know the Date Plan. Do make sure that everyone knows that you expect them to act the way Disciples of Christ are supposed to act.  Especially on dates.