Dear Bro Jo,
I'm 17 years old and I've got this friend... I met him at EFY two years ago.
We've stayed in contact and talked a good bit through Facebook, and I've seen him in person a couple of times as well.
I started catching on to the fact that he liked me as more than friends a while ago, but it didn't really bother me until I realized that I really just didn't feel the same way.
I started pulling back, and not talking to him as much because I didn't want to give the wrong impression or lead him on (that's happened to me before and it's not fun).
The trouble is, I think it's only made him try harder.
He's started calling me instead of just chatting with me on Facebook, saying he isn't really into the whole texting thing and etc..
I'm not opposed to talking versus texting, in fact, you sort of have to have something more than words on a screen to get to know someone on a higher level, but since I'm not interested in him like that I don't really want to go there.
I've seen you give advice on how to get a guy to call you, but what do you do if you don't want them to?
I talk to him anyway because I don't want to be a jerk (I was also depressed for a few weeks and very lonely, so even if I didn't exactly want to talk to him, the human interaction was still welcome), but every time he calls me and I talk to him I just feel bad about it because it probably means more to him than it does to me.
-(name withheld)
Dear NW -
I'm not sure who has a higher opinion of you . . .you or him . . .
Sorry. Just a jab to lighten the mood a touch . . . but you have to admit, it really does sound like you've lead him on . . . and, well, used him.
Here's a guy who's actually doing the right thing when it comes to getting to know girls better; he's Talking to you instead of Texting, he's listening to you when you're depressed and need someone to interact with . . . sounds like a pretty Good Guy to me.
That said, no one says you have to invest time in someone you don't like, so you're going to have to draw the line.
Look, with guys anything other than the clear truth will be taken as "try harder".
If you don't want to talk to him on the phone, then don't. (I'm honestly not clear why you're taking his calls at all . . . I mean, if you don't want to talk to him, why are you??? You have to be getting something out of the conversation . . . ego boost, maybe? Or why even answer the phone?)
If you don't want to be . . . not nice, then talk to him and tell him where you stand.
"Hey, please don't take this as a negative comment about you, but I just want let you know that I'm not looking for a relationship. You're a nice guy, but I'm not interested in dating you".
Cold as you may think that is, it's much worse to, as you suggested, lead him on.
I promise he'd rather know now than keep wasting effort on you only to find out later that it's unappreciated.
Be Kind, but Be Honest.
But before you cut him out of your life entirely, please consider whether or not that's the right thing to do.
- Bro Jo
PS: As I re-read this, I don't want you to think that I think that you're a not nice person; at the very least I think you're Trying to be nice . . . and I do think that's good. And I do understand that sometimes we collect some "hangers on" that feel like a burden; just remember that he's not always a burden . . . there are some times, as you've said, when he's been a pretty good friend. Those are hard to come by, and you may want to give that some strong consideration before you send him packing.
5 comments:
When you let a guy down, don't beat around the bush. Be completely honest. Even half truths are irritating to hear. "I'm not looking for a relationship" is a cliche that lots of girls say....but let's be real: what single Mormon girl wakes up in the morning and says "what a beautiful day! I hope that I don't fall in love today!"? Guys are told to not take rejection seriously, yet the reasons you're rejecting this guy are specific personal reasons about him so just be honest. If you feel bad about those kinds of things then maybe you should reevaluate what you see in guys. If it makes you feel bad to reject a guy because of one little irrelevant thing that you make as a make or break (you know what I'm talking about...the shallow side that many girls and guys have) then maybe those feelings are your conscience making you feel bad for being shallow. But either way it's gonna hurt anyway so it's better to tell the whole truth and not half truths. The guy has a right to know what it is about him that girls don't like, or else he'll never fix it. So whole truths, not half truths. "I'm sorry, but I don't want to be in a romantic relationship with you. I don't find you attractive. I don't like you". Any of those are better than "Sorry, I'm not looking to date anyone right now. You're a great guy (+quality after quality that you tell him)". The "great/nice guy rejection" is at worst enraging and at best confusing for the guy. If he's told he's a great guy then he'll be even more confused that a girl doesn't want to date him. If you REALLY aren't looking for a relationship then stick to group dating as you should be doing as a teen.
Yeah . . . but there's a line you can cross there.
First of all, if the person you're dating (guy or girl) thinks you can "fix" them, or they can "fix" themselves and become what you want them to be, then you get the cling-er that never goes away.
And I think you need to be careful not to cross into "brutally honest" territory.
Very delicate situation.
- Bro Jo
If he's persistent tryin to fix himself after that to "fit her prereq's, then she has two options. One is that she might end up liking him especially if he now became attractive. if she still doesn't like him then she can tell him that she's not interested in him and that trying to change for her will not make her change her mind, so she should then tell him directly to please leave her alone. Being told no that cold will hurt but it'll keep him away from her. If he keeps clinging then she can tell her parents and have them tell his parents, or have his parents tell his bishop so he can then tell the boy's parents about what's happening. Simple as that. Most guys will not cling when told no coldly like that. It'll make them upset but they'll go away. They'll cling longer with half truths.
Something I learned over the years and with my roommates, simply put: she's just not into you. Or from my point of view, she's just not into me.
There, no harm done to anyone.
@Arthur: exactly! "She's just not into me" is the real answer, not "she's just not into wanting to date someone"...seriously lol that comment is frustrating especially when the girl gets a boyfriend soon after that. Girls need to be straightforward the whole way. When guys say they want girls to be straightforward, we don't mean it as wanting to hear some nicely wrapped made up excuse when they're not interested in us. We want to be told straight on that they're not interested in us. No soft swaddled gift wrap about how "you're a great guy and you deserve better yada yada." If the girl feels super guilty about this then maybe she should give the guy another chance. Rejection should be done when the rejector doesn't feel guilty about it. If they do then something is wrong on their end (like their conscience bites them for their shallowness). It's like other decisions pertaining to our salvation. The spirit won't guilt trip anyone, so a decision done with guilt isn't approved by the spirit.
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