Promises Promises

Dear Bro. Jo,

I am writing this because I came across your blog and liked it and I need some help.

I live in a small town in (location withheld).  I have been dating a boy and he had a past but had repented and was doing good.

So we started dating and did things we shouldn't have. (I am about to begin the repentance process) and he promised to marry me in the Temple.

Now he says he's not so sure and a year is a long time we will see what happens.

I should be understanding of this since he wants to be cautious after going through his divorce.

He is 19 I am 18, about to go to college 45 min. away.

What I am most upset about is because we were planning on marriage I thought it would help us get to the Temple if he read my patriarchal blessing.  But now I am like what if we don’t get married and I let him read something so sacred?

He is a good boy and always active in the Church along with his family.

Should I feel so bad about slowing things down a little and letting him read that?

We still could be getting married.

Please help

Thanks for your time.

Love

- Name Withheld




Dear Sister,

I'm going to be very honest with you here.

1) Because that's what I do. 

2) Because I think you need it. 

3) I care a lot about my readers and those that right in, and I feel that to keep them from the truth isn't very loving. 

So here goes: I don't think this guy has any intention of marrying you, I think he's bad news, and I think you're delusional in your opinion of him.

Don't sit there and tell me that he's "a good boy and always active in the Church" when the data is clearly contrary.

Look at the facts, sister!

He's 19, already divorced, has "a past" that he's needed to repent of, and clearly hasn't because now he "has a past" with you.

Add to that. He "promised" to marry you in the temple, but now he's "not sure", and says that "a year is too long to wait".

Plus, and this is a big deal, you shared something personal and sacred with him (the blessing), which in and of itself is not necessarily a bad thing, but you don't feel good about it.

I don't think you should "feel bad" for slowing things down; what gives be great concern is that you think you should feel bad.

Little Sister, dear friend, you Have Got To Give Yourself More Credit!

By the virtue of being a Daughter of God you have inherit value, and that value is your right and privilege; no guy, husband, husband, boyfriend or otherwise, can give that value or take it away.

And I hate to be the one to have to tell you this, but this guy, regardless of what he tells you, doesn't love or respect you.

He's using you for sex.

And as long as you're willing to give it up, he'll tell you anything he thinks you want to hear.   (Like "wanting to marry you in the Temple" . . . actions speak louder than words, you know.)

You need to understand something I've said often: "no man will ever love a woman he doesn't respect, and you can't respect someone who doesn't respect themselves; and you can't respect someone who gives it away easily".

The only hope you have to turn this into a relationship of value is to cut him off.

No more sex, no more petting, no more make-out sessions.

No being alone cuddling on the sofa, no parking, no hanging out.

If he wants to date you, that means he Plans, Picks Up, and Pays, and at no point does he put you in a situation where either of you are tempted to break the law of chastity.

IF he can hold to those rules until you're married (and I think you should make him wait the year necessary for you both to get married in the Temple) then maybe, MAYBE, he's the Good Guy you claim.

If he can't respect you enough to do that, then the best you could ever hope for him to be is your "first" husband; but I seriously doubt he'd be your last. 

Being nice and being good are not always the same thing.

You deserve to be married for Time and All Eternity to someone who loves and respects you. I pray that you'll find that joy.

And to be candid, I don't think this is the guy.

Could he change?

Absolutely!

But right now it doesn't sound like he needs to, or wants to, and no one should ever pin their hopes on someone becoming someone other than who they are.

- Bro Jo

PS:  It's not that he has a divorce that makes him not a Good Guy; it's his behavior and attitude.  Now it IS possible that those are the reasons why he's not married anymore . . . you may want to think about that.