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Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Can a Dark Skinned Woman Find Love in the LDS Church? - Part 2: Love Him or Let Him Go?

Dear Bro Jo,

I emailed you a couple months back with my woes about being single and my presumption that it was because of my race.

I agreed with most everything you responded with, but still had my doubts about what my future would look like.

Long story short...Mr. Right showed up after all!

Now my concern is completely different.

He and I have been dating for 3 months now and have already decided that we're going to get married at the end of May (I am a teacher and need to wait until the end of the school year).

We knew from the beginning that we both had pasts to accept of each other.

Because of some of his past experiences, virtue became a very important trait in a potential eternal companion and he was very forthcoming about what he had done and why.

I told him about my most recent, and serious, situation, but there were situations that happened before that that I didn't tell him about. I alluded to them, but never explicitly told him and I honestly don't know why.

Today he asked a question that caused it all to come out (in fairly explicit detail) and he feels like I completely misrepresented myself and my virtue for his benefit.

He feels trapped because he's already in love with me.

He says I didn't give him a chance to see me for who I am first, and then decide if he was willing to deal with my issues.

After a 4 hour conversation we decided to slow things down a little bit, but to keep dating.

But he has required me to find some way to restore the respect he feels I shortchanged him on. And I until I can do that, I don't think we'll be the same.

So I say all this, to ask: How do I earn his trust back?

Or what can I say to show him it was never a matter of disrespect, and that I just didn't know how to or if I should say it.

I know I was wrong and that I didn't give him a fair shot at loving me for me, and I just want him to know how much I truly do care about him.

We talked through the psychology of all of it: the why's and why nots, and he says all he needs is some way to be okay with it. I have no idea what to do, but I'm terrified at the idea of losing the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.

Please help,

- Chocolatey. (and yes, I spell it wrong on purpose)

Dear Chocolatey,

Since he said he says he feels trapped, I think you should set the manipulative immature jerk free. 

Marriage isn't all about him and his feelings and his needs, it's about two people working through the difficulties of life together.

He says fell in love with who you ARE, now he wants to punish you for who you WERE . . . and that's not right.

He needs to understand that for you to open up to him required a great deal of trust FROM YOU, that you were honest with him because he asked you to be, and he, with his current reaction, has now violated your trust.

He asked, you told, and did so with the belief that you could share with him the deep personal feelings and regrets you have and that he would still treat you decently and with love . . . and he violated that trust.

Who wants to be married to someone that they feel they need to hide everything from?

Who doesn't have a testimony of the Savior and the Power of the Atonement in the lives of All of God's Children?

Why would you marry a man who professed his love for you and is now demanding that you earn his respect again? (Particularly over things that happened before you two ever started dating, and certainly long before you began planning a marriage . . . )

Forgive me, but what a tool!

Unless these are sins that you committed WHILE you two were dating, unless you've done something during that time to violate his trust, then it's not You who need to be earning His respect, it's Him that needs to be earning Yours.

You trusted him.

You were honest with him.

And now you've learned that both were a mistake.

Unless he's willing to repent of his demands, you're well off to be rid of him.

If he doesn't get that, then you'd better get out of this relationship before you find yourself in for a lifetime of abuse.

No joke. I say that you tell him that you've given it lots of thought, and you love him too much for him to feel hurt and trapped, and MOREOVER, you have no intention of being in an eternal relationship with someone who gives you ultimatums and whom you can't trust, so you're doing as he wishes and setting him free.

And if he doesn't realize what a mistake he's making and beg you to take him back, you're well to be rid of him.

As painful as that will be, you'll be much better off in the long run.

Trust me.

I hope he's smart enough to apologize to you. I really do.

Stand up for yourself!

You're worth it!

- Bro Jo

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

AMEN!!! Honestly, hasn't this guy ever heard of the atonement?
There are things that people who will be getting married need to know about each other, but if the other person can't accept their loved ones previous life, prior to their meeting, and after repentance, then they need to drop them like a hot potato. Bro Jo is perfectly correct on this, and you don't need to have your past used as a stick to beat you with...
Good luck little sister, and stay strong!