Tired of Trying

Dear Bro Jo,

I know you get a lot of these letters, but I need someone to listen to me who won’t lie in order to make me feel better. I hope you can handle one more.

I’m a 23 year old single, LDS woman. I recently graduated from university and moved from a college town brimming with YSAs to one with one with a comparatively tiny singles' ward.

I know that making this change was the right thing to do, my new ward has been very welcoming, and I’m excited to be in this new phase of life. However, I now find myself in a much smaller dating pool where the men don’t have much interest in dating.

For example, the Bishopric and their wives recently organized a date night to which no one came.

No one.

I’m not all that anxious to get married.

I feel like there are still some things I need to do before I’m ready for that. In a lot of ways I have maturing to do, and I've had personal revelation that I need to be furthering my schooling and thinking about a career (for the time being).

All the same, I do realize that marriage is incredibly important and is something I am preparing for and desperately want to happen someday, when I meet the right man.

I recognize that in order to prepare for and make this possible when the time does come, I need to be dating. My problem is that even when I lived somewhere filled with good men who wanted to get married I was rarely asked out. In my seven years of dating I’ve gone on two dates.

I’ve been asked out a couple more times than that, but during college I was very busy and my schedule was a barrier.

I did what I could to encourage invitations and would suggest alternate times and days when I couldn’t accept dates, but if I couldn’t make it for when they asked they’d never ask again.

I’ve never been kissed; no guy has ever even tried to hold my hand.

That’s completely abnormal for a 23 year old, isn’t it?

At times this makes me feel like I must be undesirable in every way, despite the fact that I live my life in accordance to the gospel and deep down I believe I’m intelligent, attractive, funny, and kind.

There are a lot of days where it’s incredibly hard to keep believing that I’m a worthwhile person and deserve to find a righteous man to marry.

All the evidence says the men I know don’t see me as a prospective date, let alone a prospective eternal companion.

I may not be the most outgoing person, but I attend all my church meetings as well as what ward and institute activities my schedule allows.

I mingle and talk with people I haven’t yet met as well as those I know, and I do my best to flirt.

Socializing and putting myself out there is something I have to work on consistently, especially during the periods I feel the most down about myself. It's something I consciously try to become better at every day and has been a slow process but I’ve become more outgoing and open in the last several years.

Unfortunately I haven’t seen any results from all this hard work (the last time I was asked out was two and a half years ago, and it was a blind date my roommate set up so she could go out with his roommate) and I’m about ready to give up and accept the fact that I’m going to live my life alone. 

How can I find the motivation to keep trying when all the effort I've been putting in has gotten me nothing and leaves me exhausted?

Thanks for being a listening ear,

- Tired of Trying




Dear Tired,

Each of us has different trials in our lives, though if we think about it we're never alone; nor are we the only ones to ever deal with that which we must deal.

If you'll tolerate one correction: personal revelation can never contradict the will of God, it's the calling of the Prophet to let us know the will of God, and recent Prophets have all been clear that marriage should not be delayed for education or career.

And it's my opinion that "lack of personal maturity" is more of an excuse than a realization.

I'm certainly more mature than I was when I got married nearly 25 years ago (although Sister Jo might dispute that), but that doesn't mean I should have put off marriage from then until now.

The one bit of advice I can give you as a Young Single Adult Sister (you are still quite young, you know) regarding the single life in a small LDS population area is that you may need to do quite a bit of ego boosting and training the single men your age about dating.

Regardless of you lack of experience, you very likely will have to take the lead on this one.

That means no hanging out, and encouraging guys to ask you out.

And that may mean being a tad forward.

You may want to check out: Bro Jo's "HOW a GIRL CAN GET a GUY to ASK HER on a DATE"

It's not that unusual that you haven't been kissed yet, but don't let that shy you away from the opportunity should it arise.

Lastly, sometimes you'll feel motivated and sometimes less so. In those moments, the moments when you feel most blue, go find an opportunity to be of service to someone. Helping them feel better will help you feel better.

Good luck!

And keep us posted.

- Bro Jo