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Monday, March 9, 2015

PDA with a Future Missionary?

Dear Bro Jo,

Hey Bro Jo!

First of all, I want to thank you soo much for your blog! It is so awesome that you care so much for people that you can take your own time to answer so many emails from people like me!

Thanks soo much!

I hope that I can have as much impact on people in my life someday!

Now, I have a small dilemma.

Well, first of all I'll tell you that I'm 19, so my dating life is more "serious" now!

I feel like everyone is trying to get everyone married here!

haha

So, dating is very important at this stage in my life and I feel like I need to take it seriously!

I love dating and getting to know people, but I don't feel like steady dating pre-missionaries is a good idea.

Well, Me and my good friend (name withheld) (a pre-missionary) like each other.

I feel really bad about our relationship though because he still needs to go on his mission in a few months.

He asked my roommate, who I am very close to, if he had the green light to hold my hand, and I didn't know what to say about it.

I think that holding hands makes the relationship more serious and I don't want our relationship to get serious when we only have a month left of college before we both move back to our hometowns (about 3 or 4 hours from each other).

I feel like the few months before someone's mission are super important for them to prepare themselves and to strengthen their relationships with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ during this time.

I also know how powerful Satan's temptations seem to get during this time and he will fight hard to keep every young man (or woman) from going on their mission!!

So I don't want to add ANY temptation to what he is going to be feeling.

But, I explained this to my friends and they all think that just holding his hand and being a good friend is okay and will not do any harm.

So the other night, my roommate, the Pre-Mi, and I went and watched a Disney movie under a gazebo outside and the whole time my roommate was texting him, telling him to try holding my hand, so I guess he did, but we were laying on our stomachs and I never noticed him trying and I didn't feel like I was ready anyway since we've only starting talking for about a month now (I guess I'm old fashioned, but I think that's moving too fast anyway).

Well, the next day he wasn't talking to me and he didn't come talk to me after devotional like he usually does, so I texted him and asked him why he didn't come talk to me and he said he didn't really see me, which I'm pretty sure he did!

And then he said he was a little mad about the night before.

By now I was pretty confused about what I had done and asked him about it and he kept saying that he was upset that I didn't hold his hand.

I thought it was pretty immature that he was mad about that and I was hurt that he seemed like he didn't really care about me and my feelings, but only about holding my hand.

And the whole time he kept trying to make me feel bad about it and was pretty rude with his comments. I explained to him that my relationships don't usually move this fast and it takes me awhile to warm up to someone before I can take the next step.

(When I tell people this, they make me sound immature, does this make me immature?)

He also made the comment that "I thought holding hands would be fine, but I'm dumb for thinking that I could just do that."

And then he turned the blame on my roommate by saying that he was told he could do so.

I told him if he really liked me he would respect the way I feel and not make me feel bad about it. And by this time I had lost quite a bit of respect for him and told him we needed to talk in person because texting is a dumb way to communicate your feelings.

He agreed and that night we went on a walk to talk about things.

That was the best idea all day because the time in between the texts and the time that we talked in person, he was able to think about things and talk to others for advice and I was able to do the same.

When we talked that night, the first thing he said was that it had been very childish and immature of him to say the things he said and that we had a bad lack of communication and I agreed!

But I feel like I had been somewhat immature about things too!

So we both said sorry, both forgave and all problems seemed to be solved.

But not for me.

He said that for him, holding hands is a confirmation that a girl likes him back, so I told him that I do like him and that holding hands isn't such a big deal, but inside I still felt like it would be a big deal.

I still feel bad thinking about it because nothing can come from this relationship for a few years and I can't just put my life on hold while he is on his mission, so I don't want to fall hard for this guy.

I've already told him that kissing is a no no because kisses are special to me and I don't want to just give them out freely, but I guess my main question is: Do you think it's okay if I hold this guy's hand?

Will it cause problems for him in his preparation for a mission or is it not a big deal for guys to hold hands?

What do you suggest I do with this guy?

Do you consider our relationship pointless because we can only date for a month before we move to different towns?

Thanks a bunch!

Sincerely,

- Your Little Sister,




Dear Little Sister,

Whew!

That was a lot to digest!

Here goes.

Yes, I think it's okay if two adults on a date hold hands. (But then I also think it's okay if they kiss "goodnight" at the end of the date. Heck . . . I even think that's okay for teenagers who are on Casual Group Dates.)

However, I also believe that any type of Physical Stuff advances a relationship and can make it more serious.

Or, at least, it should.

Holding his hand won't cause problems for him preparing for his mission.

 If he has problems, the hand holding won't be the cause.

Yes, it's a big deal for guys, too. Unless of course, like some girls, they've done so much hand holding (and other stuff) that they're a bit desensitized. If you want to hold his hand, hold his hand.

If you want him to kiss you, ask him if he's planning on kissing you at some point.

If you don't want to do either of those things, then don't.

Is your relationship pointless?

No.

But neither should you plan on it going somewhere.

I don't think you should make any commitments to each other regarding what may or may not happen during or after his mission other than, perhaps, that if you're still single (not likely) when he gets back it might be nice if he asks you out again.

And, as a bit of unsolicited commentary, I worry that we in the Church have made kisses and hand holding Way Too Taboo.

Yes, it's special; yes, you shouldn't do anything that makes you uncomfortable (or would lead to jeopardize your Temple Worthiness) but, really, holding hands is not monumental and this notion (not that you said so specifically) that our first kiss should be across the Sealing Alter is, in my opinion, a . . . Wrong Idea.

Frankly, that's why I think the two of you are so obsessed about it, it's why that's all he can focus on, and it's getting in the way of both of you.

But that's just one old guy's opinion.

Thank you for the kind words!

- Bro Jo




Dear Bro Jo,

Thanks for your response!

Well, I took your advice and we held hands,

AND kissed!

I think it went kinda fast, but I guess that's where me being "desensitized" comes in.

So I'm working on that. I'm trying not to be so immature about things.

He got his call this week, to Canada, French speaking!!

Pretty exciting!

I'm really excited for him and know that he will be a great missionary, and I'm glad to hear that me dating him is not going to get in his way.

And we both know that we need to break it off when it gets closer!

Thanks again for everything!

- Little Sister




Dear Little Sister,

Any time.

- Bro Jo

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