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Friday, June 26, 2015

Dating Again After a Bad Marriage

Dear Bro Jo,

I had a friend tell me about your blog and if I had a problem I could send you an email.

Well I’m kind of in a weird situation and need advice so here goes.

I feel as if my dating life is an oxymoron I haven’t had a lot of dating experiences yet I have been married and divorced.

He was a friend of a friend and come out of nowhere (I had been on dates before but not very many and never with the same person more then once).

I was 19 at the time and we dated exclusively (the only reason that we were exclusive is because there was really no one else asking me and I honestly didn’t know what I was doing because the whole dating thing was completely new to me) for eight or nine months and I guess he took it more seriously then I did and it wasn’t long before the subject of marriage came up.

I was never the kind of person to get married just to get married, but had grown up in a home where marriage is considered the right thing to do and a commandment nonetheless as do most of us. I considered the marriage discussion and what he thought and agreed to marry him because it was the ‘right thing to do’.

We were married I was 20 he was 23. (I forgot to mention I came from a very sheltered family and sex was rarely discussed. I knew the basic mechanics of it but not much and I didn’t know I was supposed to discuss that with my husband.)

He became frustrated that I didn’t know anything about sex and he started yelling at me on our honeymoon and asking me to tell him what my expectations were regarding sex.

I began to have panic attacks whenever he tried to become sexual with me this lasted for almost two years.

He also became - I’m not sure what to call it -he was upset over most everything I did wrong, would become frustrated when I couldn’t figure things out on my own and would ask for his help, would yell at me when I would forget to tell him important things, etc.

We did go to counseling, but he didn’t agree with what the counselor advised and wasn’t willing to do what was advised.

He said too much time had passed and that I was the one giving him the ultimatum if he agreed to see the counselor.

He begin drinking and left the Church and told me that he didn’t love me anymore and for me to leave his house, but he wouldn’t file divorce and wouldn’t let me file either.

Finally after talking with the counselor I went ahead any filed anyway and miraculously he signed.

It’s been a couple years and now I don’t know where to begin knowing that I’m old and the experience that I’ve had doesn’t give a positive light.

I know I shouldn’t judge everything based off of one experience, but this is the only thing I really have had to compare to.

I know marriage shouldn’t be about sex but I know it is somewhat expected especially if you want to have a family, but knowing that I can’t eventually give people what they need (I don’t think I’ll be able to give sex to my future spouse because of my panic attacks and also my only experience with it has been horrible) and how do I explain that to somebody?

I have a hard time dating also because it eventually leads to marriage.

I feel as if starting over from square one at age 25 I feel as if I’m behind and don’t know to catch up.

I’m OK with the idea of dating again it’s not that I’m not ready.

I feel ready its just that I don’t know how to discuss this situation with someone, especially to explain why I am so skittish.

I need to know what I can do to put myself out there again and maybe where and how to start.

Sorry this has been so long but hopefully you'll be able to come up with something

Thanks,

- Need Help




Dear Help,

An "oxymoron" being a phrase that contradicts itself, "dating life" sure doesn't qualify as one, even if your current dating life could be called "DOA".

At any age, you increase your dating opportunities by:

1. Getting to know more people

2. Making it known that you're available for dating

3. Doing your best to be positive and happy


You may also want to check out:

Bro Jo’s TEN WAYS a GIRL CAN GET a GUY to CALL

Bro Jo's "HOW a GIRL CAN GET a GUY to ASK HER on a DATE"


That said, you have every right to feel worried. 

You've been through some pretty difficult things . . .

But I certainly don't think your hopes for marriage and happiness are over.

No, not even at the "old" age of 25!

I recommend that, if you're ready to date, you just focus on having fun; there's no need to talk about your sexual worries until you're serious enough about someone that marriage and sex (in that order, of course) is a possibility.

I believe that there's a man out there that will love you and be understanding and tender and patient. 

Heck, I'll bet there's more than one!

But for now, worry not.

Allow yourself to be wooed, allow yourself to have fun.

Trust me: not every man is an abusive jerk.

And if you need to take a step back, to take a break from dating for a while, that's fine, too!

Sometimes the best thing we can do is not rush; rather than push to date, let dates happen.

May you find the joy the Lord has planned for you,

- Bro Jo

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Just gotta throw this in there, too...

No marriage is without learning curves and bumps in the road, even when it comes to sex. Even when both partners are previously experienced. Obviously you went through quite the journey with it. Do not worry about needing to be perfect at it or even feel 100% okay with it right from the get go after you're married. It's a learning process for both partners and COMMUNICATION is the KEY for roughly 99% of the issues regarding sex. So don't be too hard on yourself that you have some things to work through. Lots of people do. It's not talked about a lot (because it is a pretty private issue), but it happens to more people than we're aware of. Learn to communicate well, and when you've found a guy you want to marry, learn how to best communicate with him. This will help you when it comes to communicating about intimacy.

And also remember to keep prayer a regular part of your days. You can never receive too much Heavenly help in the dating field!