Dear Bro Jo,
I used to write you quite a bit as a teenager, and lately as I've been thinking about my next phase in life I've been wanting to get your advice.
Hello again!
My first year of college, I got engaged to my high school boyfriend (who hadn't served a mission for what I saw as valid reasons) and frankly, it was a disaster.
I thought I knew him after 2 years of dating but after he proposed, things got steadily uglier.
I called off the wedding shortly before the big day because God told me to serve a mission, he was relieved but didn't want me out of his control, and to make a long story short, the police had to get involved in order for me to leave safely for my mission.
So now I'm home, I'm 21, I'm single for the first time in forever, and I'm trying to find the courage to Date To Marry.
I am a little scared, just because I thought I knew my ex well enough to know that he wasn't abusive, but I think I've learned enough on my mission and just by growing up a bit to know that I'll be okay this time.
I have several prospects right now, some more serious than others, and while I'm nowhere close to making an eternal decision, I like to plan ahead.
What I want to know from you is,
What are THE most important things (or even THE most important thing) when deciding whether to become eternally tied to a man/woman?
How do you know that you really know him/her, well enough to plan on an eternity together?
The simpler the answer, the better. So don't stress. :)
Thanks for all you do - and I'll follow your advice better than I did when I was a teenager. ;)
- Little Fish in the Big Sea
Dear Fish,
Hmmm . . .good questions.
Here's what I tell my kids is important in an Eternal Companion:
GIRLS
1. That he is a worthy and active priesthood holder
2. That he loves, cherishes, supports, encourages and respects you
3. That he works hard at everything he does and does so with a positive attitude
BOYS
1. That she's worthy and active in the Gospel
2. That she supports, encourages, appreciates and respects you
3. That she works hard at everything she does and does so with a positive attitude
Attraction is wonderful, love is grand, but without Trust there is no relationship.
I think we need to let go of the notion that we can ever know everything, ever be able to answer all the "what ifs", but what we should know is:
1. What are their hopes, goals and dreams?
2. How do they deal with anger and stress?
3. Can you trust them to tell you things you need to, but don't want to hear? Do you respect them enough to listen?
4. Do they have and show love and respect for their family in a way that you find appropriate?
5 Are you willing to make sacrifices for them? And can you trust (there's that word again) that they will do the same for you?
6. Do the two of you communicate well? Do you communicate in a way that you're both comfortable with?
7. Do you want this person to be a parent to your children?
8. Do you enjoy spending time together?
This kind of list can go on forever (you may want to check out:
Bro Jo's Levels of a Relationship
Bro Jo's Five A's of Why NOT to Marry
(or here)
Bro Jo's List of Things You Need to Know Before You Get Engaged
(or here)
but hopefully you get the basic idea.
Now, as for Serous Single Dating . . . (or as you called it: "Dating to Marry")
Don't make too big of a deal out of those first few dates with each person.
Just focus on having fun and getting to know the other person better.
And, after a few dates, if you're comfortable and interested, don't be afraid to kiss them.
Happy Dating!
- Bro Jo
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