I'm not exactly sure how to start.
I am a shy 17 year old girl and have always been kind of shy. I never really hung out with guys that much and didn't really worry about dating. But last Youth Conference, I started hang out a lot with this guy and something really clicked.
He was in our Stake so I knew him before, but right then... yeah I don't know what happened.
Later that summer we went on a date and eventually started going steady. Right then and there I broke two of the rules I had set for myself, one being I would wait to date steady in college, and two being I wouldn't get involved in a long distance relationship.
At first everything seemed ok, but then I became very frustrated that I didn't get to talk to him or see him a lot. Some other things happened, and I thought it would be best if we didn't go steady anymore, maybe see other people.
He said if that is what I felt was best then ok, he would go along with that. After that, he'd drive by my house once in a while; he wouldn't stop in, just drive by.
Eventually he stopped and we have mostly been chatting on Facebook since then. He keeps telling me he loves me and wants to get back together with me. He keeps talking about the future and marriage, but I'm really not ready to think about any of that right now, because I want to go on a mission as well. He also thinks that we are a perfect match, but there is a lot that he doesn't know about me, and there are some key items (that could really effect the future) we don't agree on.
He wants to go to the same small city college I'm heading to this year, but I know he would thrive better in a bigger school like BYU or one of the local schools, and I don't want him choosing it just because I'm there.
As a friend, I really want what’s best for him. He's also going on his mission soon, and I don't want to give him the wrong idea, like I am going to wait for him. I am planning to write... but I don't know. So much could happen this next year and with so many changes, I don't know what to tell him. And with all my different voices in my head telling me what I should do, plus from my friends and family, I can't decipher an answer.
Any thoughts?
Thanks,
Discombobulated in Dublin
Dear DeeDee,
Oh, yeah; I’ve got a thought or two! (Bet you’re not surprised . . .)
First of all, between the two of you, you’re the only one with their head screwed on tight. That’s not meant as a disparagement against him, Love (or thinking you’re In Love) can do that to a person.
But the Stalking is a bit too far. That’s a long way to drive to not call first and not come in and say hello once you get there. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt and say he was compelled to go the distance, being driven mad by your overwhelming beauty and charm, but then snapped to his spiritual senses when he finally got there; his humility gluing his rear end to the seat of the car.
Regardless the reason, I’m glad that part is over (Sisters, please be alert and careful. There’s a fine line between Madly In Love and Just Plain Nuts).
You can’t control where he goes to school, but you do need to control how much time you spend together. As smitten as he seems to be, you’re going to have to be equally blunt. If you sugar coat how you feel and what you think, instead of hearing what he needs to hear, he’ll hear what he wants to hear.
Girls make that mistake often. A guy they don’t want to see will call for a date. The girl, being nice, will give him a reason she can’t go out like “I’m sorry, I can’t go; I’ve got practice every night this week”. What the boy hears is “try harder”, or even “but I’m not doing anything next week”. It may sound cold hearted, but Sisters if you don’t want to go out with the boy, you need to tell him. And be clear.
“I’m flattered you asked, but I’m not interested in dating you.”
Don’t embellish, don’t excuse. Make it quick, like taking off a Band-Aid; Rip it Right Off!
I think, DeeDee, that you need to be clear. Do this guy the Favor of telling him that you’re not at that place in your life right now, that you have no intention of waiting for him while he’s on his mission, and that while you enjoyed going out with him, and may want to go out with him again when he comes home, you absolutely intend to date other guys.
If it creeps you out that he’s planning to go to your college, tell him that too.
“Hey, I’ve got to tell you it makes me more than just a little uncomfortable that you’re planning on going to my college this semester. Frankly I think you’d be better off at BYU, and I don’t want you to think that just because you live closer that we’re going to be Boyfriend and Girlfriend”.
And maybe I’m taking the whole Stocking thing Too Seriously, but I hope you’ve told a few people, including your parents and Bishop. It may be over, it may have been no big deal, but a gal can never be too safe.
If you do like this guy on some level, I’m not saying “burn the bridge”, but I just sense from your letter that, while you may have been flattered and intrigued in the beginning, this “relationship” is headed the wrong way.
Keep your options open. Keep praying. And keep your heart open to the Promptings of the Spirit.
- Bro Jo
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