Date or Wait?

Dear Bro Jo,

I really love reading your blog, all the different situations you’ve helped people with, all your advice. It’s absolutely amazing I have to say.

For me, though, I couldn’t really find anything that fit with my situation. I’m 17, going to be a senior in high school this next year. But there’s a catch. I went to public school all the years of my life up until this year. I decided that it just wasn’t for me anymore, so I am going to be homeschooled this year—doing an online school instead of public school.

Now my question is about dating, as the subject heading suggests. I have a dilemma, as all teens do (as well as everyone else in the world). The only young men I will see or really get to know or whatnot are the young men in my ward. There are two priests as of right now and will only be two priests throughout most of the year.

One will be leaving on his mission soon, and I know him really well. He asked me to write him on his mission, to stay in touch and be his friend and all. So I plan on it.

This other priest is going to be a senior in high school as well, (he’ll be going to public school) but the thing about him is that I worked with him all this last school year in competitions. That’s not a bad thing or anything, but well, he annoyed me greatly.

I sent him a letter (because I was too chicken to talk to him about it in person) telling him how I was annoyed and didn’t appreciate the things he was doing. He stopped bugging me shortly after that.

Lately, he’s started talking to me and bugging me slightly again, but I told myself I’d give him another chance to be my friend and not bother me with the things he says/does. I try to be kind and not get annoyed, but I don’t really want to go on dates with him, seeing as I know him so well and am afraid that he’ll forget I ever sent that letter and it will start all over again.

Over this next school year, there will be no one else for me to get to know and date because I will only see these two priests (until the one leaves on his mission) and then I’ll be left with just this one guy. I won’t have the opportunity as comes with public high school to see other guys and have the possibility of going on dates with others.

Is it bad for me to want to go on dates?

I don’t think so, but my options certainly will be limited, and I don’t want to steady date. I’m not in college yet—I don’t need to steady date until I’m ready to get married, right? I’m not ready yet. I’m only 17. I’ll still be attending seminary, but the people I see that are 16+ and able to go on dates most likely won’t think about asking me on a date just from seeing me at seminary.

There are also church dances, which I love to attend. I love going because I can meet new people and dance! One time this last year I met a guy, and at a later dance that I couldn’t go to, my friends gave him my number, which totally surprised me.

He seems like a great guy. He’s called me two or three times over the past couple months (Our conversations are very short because I’m sort of shy when it comes to talking on the phone. Being in person is WAY better.). He recently invited me to go to a program he was involved in, and that my friends could come too.

The thing about him is that he lives about 45(?) minutes away, in a different Stake. I couldn’t go because I was sick, so I called him back and apologized, but he seemed really put out. I feel bad and all, but what am I supposed to do, you know? I can’t help it if I get sick or that we live too far apart to casually date here and there, can I?

I’d love to go on a group date with him, but at the same time, it’s hard to when we’re in these circumstances. So I’ve told myself I’ll just talk to him and get to know him when there are dances, which are once a month. I mean, I don’t have a crush on him or like him more than a friend or anything; it’s just that I want to go on dates with guys and get to know them, practice social skills, etc.

Which is what I’m supposed to be doing, yes?

So what do I do? How am I supposed to find some guys to date in these circumstances?

And how do I get them to ask me on dates?

It’s hard when I’ll hardly see any guys ever over the year, know what I mean?

Am I too ambitious in the sense that I really want to go on dates?

Should I just forget about dating and wait till I get to college?

I'm not sure I want to do that because I love going on dates, but I don’t see any other way. Should I just forget about dating for a year?

Any advice?

It would be greatly appreciated.

~A Friend

P.S. Sorry for the long message; I just wanted to help you be able to understand the situation better... Thanks for everything!


Dear Friend,

Thank you for the kind words; very appreciated.

I’m curious why you’re choosing the “on-line” school instead of public school . . . very intriguing idea . . . but perhaps a discussion for another time.

“What’s a girl who wants to date, and would prefer to date LDS boys her age, to do when there just aren’t many of those around?”

It’s a common problem for those that live further and further outside “The Zion Curtain”.

The first thing I think you should do is widen your circle of friends. Even though you’ll be Home Schooling, you must surely know Good Kids that you’ve met over the last 12 years of school that are decent and have good morals.

Perhaps some co-ed Movie or Game parties at your house where you invite these kids and invite them to each bring a friend? Be a Social and Gracious Hostess, using the occasion to meet new boys AND girls. Group Activities and Group Dates can grow out of these.

You also need to be attending things like Girls’ Camp, Stake Dances, Tri-stake Youth Conference, EFY, and Firesides; anything where you can increase your associations with good people. If your Stake doesn’t do much of those things, get on the planning committee, talk to your High Council Representative or Stake YM/YW leaders; often if we want things to happen, we need to be the one doing the organizing.

And, not to sound like a plug, but check out and sign up as a Fan of the Dear Bro Jo Facebook Page. There you can meet and mingle with like-minded Latter-day Saints from around the world. It’s a great place to make some new pen-pal friends!

It’s also where you’ll find some great Discussions about the topics raised here, as well as a bunch of “Dear Bro Jo” Notes on everything from the Dating Rules to How to get a Date.

Secondly, you need to share your beliefs, hopes, standards and concerns with your friends, LDS and otherwise. Do it in a positive way; as you bring others closer to Christ, you’ll find that you feel much less lonely.

Now, regarding the boy that’s irritating you . . .

No girl should ever feel obligated to go out with a boy that makes her feel unsafe; nor should a boy feel like he has to take out a girl that makes him feel the same way.

But if we’re Casual Group Dating, and sticking to the rules (see the side or click here)

(like “Never date the same person two dates in a row”), then we really should go out with just about anyone that asks, even if they’re nerdy or irritating. Likewise, boys shouldn’t keep from asking out a girl based on appearance or popularity. It’s just a Casual Group Date, not a Marriage Proposal.

You do realize, of course, that he’s doing what he’s doing to get your attention, and he wants your attention because he likes you . . .

Which of course get’s back to my previous writings about “Men and Women Can’t Be Close Friends”.

NO, it is ABSOLUTELY not bad for you to want to go on dates! It’s normal, and frankly: ideal.

You’re also right that it’s not yet the time to Steady (or Serious, or exclusively) Date. You should wait for that until after High School, as you’ve suggested.

But we don’t start Serious Dating because we’re “ready to get married”, we do it because the person we’re dating is someone we’d like to try dating exclusively. Sure, that may be because we see it leading to marriage, but that’s not to say that we should ONLY Seriously Date once we’re ready to pick out the dress and the ring and set a wedding date.

(I hope that makes sense)

And I disagree: seeing you in Seminary may be enough for guys to gain interest. Don’t down-play your Church attendance when it comes to finding a guy (or, at your age, potential dates).

It’s great that your Stake has Dances once a month, and that other Stakes are invited! Keep going! What a great way to meet new people . . . I hope other Stakes will have dances more frequently.

It is difficult to Date (on any level) someone who lives far away, but not impossible. For much of our dating time Sister Jo and I lived a two hour drive apart – and boy was she worth it!

Perhaps one solution is for you two to plan a group date where he brings the boys and you provide the girls. Do something in your home town. And consider this: Dates DO NOT have to be in the evening. Do something on a Saturday day!

(Readers, I’ve started a Facebook Discussion on Great Dates, check it out and join in!)

As I said, you find dates by being active in non-school things, increase your circle of friends, and be creative. Don’t wait for college! Use the powers that come from being a girl to get boys to ask you out (click here for a list of things you can do),.

Thanks for the letter (I never mind the length), and for Reading and Writing In.

- Bro Jo