Tired of Being Dateless

Bro Jo,

I started writing this as part of a response to your post "Good Dates", and figured I should just send it as an email, since it's more of a concern than a response.

Background: I'm done with high school now. I'm staying here, going to a local college that my dad works at (free tuition.. can't pass that up!) I'm a young high school graduate, I'll start college when I'm still 17, so most people my age are still in high school. Most of the people who graduated with me in my ward are moving out/going on missions.

I'm almost 18, and I haven't even yet been asked out. I *kind of* regret to say I did ask a guy to my junior prom, but the thing is, there are 2 high schools in my town and we were getting a Mormon prom group together to go to MY school's prom, and all of the guys in the ward (except for the one hosting the prom party and stuff) go to the other high school, so there wasn't really much I could do. But we had a ton of fun and still talk about it every now and then.

Anyway. Other than that one, alllll of the dates I've been on have been group dates that I just happened to be part of the group in, no special invite or anything. And they were kind of last-minute slopped-together ones, too. They're fun, but I kind of wish the guys in my ward would step it up a notch.. or 2 or 3. Ask a girl out at a time OTHER than prom/homecoming.

1)I know you say that girls once they're done with high school should start single dating. But all of the guys my age are still in high school. Do you think I should continue to group date? I think it's the only way I can really go. There are NO other guys out of high school that are really "available". At least not for 60-80 miles. The only other guys in my ward are pre-mies (pre missionaries), or they're away for college or on their missions.

2) I've read your list of things girls should do to get guys to ask them out on dates, and I LOVE it. I've said in conversations before "you know, it'd be fun to get together and do something like ________" (with ____ being something like, have a movie night, or go have a barbecue and ultimate Frisbee at this park, or go to the drive in as a big group, or something). Aaaand it never happens. People make excuses like "oh but this person isn't here anymore, they moved/went on their mission" and the whole thing just sounds unattractive without that person anymore. Any suggestions here?

and 3) I'm TIRED of being the one making suggestions period, I don't want to do it anymore, but I REALLY want to go on dates!!! Group dates, double dates, whatever! Take me for a bike ride or a walk on one of the nearby beautiful trails, out by the river, go to one of the nice parks and take scenic pictures. Let's get a group and go star gazing after watching a movie at the drive in! Go help a family with their lawn and then go get smoothies and go watch a movie at somebody's home. See, I'm full of them! I've got plenty of ideas, now if only the guys would ACT on them!!

It's summer, I'm a very friendly and likable person, I do my best to look my best, all of it. I've done my suggestions far enough in-between that it wouldn't really occur to me that people depend on me to make dates happen. I've done enough planning and getting the courage up to try and suggest an outing.

I want some of the guys in my ward to start doing some of the work. No, most of the work. Yeah yeah, I know, it takes a lot of guts and courage. Isn't it supposed to? I know there are guys in my ward who will one day work hard to make a date. They just aren't doing it yet. They just . . .don't date! It's crazy. And boring. And I'm tired of waiting. I'm stuck here in this only ward for 60 miles for another 4 years. Dateless.

Any suggestions, any at all? Can I give you the numbers of these young men and can you give them a call? (just kidding!! kind of ...and I'm a poet and I didn't even know it) I've sent them links to your blog actually, but none of them have checked it out. :\

Thanks for your time and all that you do,

~ Tired of Being Dateless.


Dear Tired,

If you don’t mind, I need to take a brief time out to speak to the Brethren, old and young, of the Church before I answer your letter.

Brethren,

No Little Sister, anywhere that the Church is big enough to have any same-age non-relative boys, should ever get all the way to 17 (let alone nearly 18) without having been asked out on a date. Shame on you! Leading and Training Young Men is more than Scout Activities and Basketball in the Gym.

Leaders, I love Scouts, but these Young Men need some training over and above how to row a canoe! If Young Men don’t learn how to Dance, Talk to Girls, and Date, your Wards are going to be filled with never-married 35-year olds, mark my words.

Boys, get off your Lazy, Too Shy, Video-game playing rear ends and Man Up! It may not be Doctrine, but to my mind you have a Priesthood Responsibility to make sure that these Good Little Sisters go out and have fun with Righteous Brethren – set the standard, blaze the trail!

The responsibility for Dating is on our shoulders, brethren, not theirs. Hanging out in Groups is NOT Group Dating. Each guy needs to ask A girl.

Parents, you can help out with this too. At our house each boy over 16 is expected to go on at least one Group Date per month (and follow all the other Dating Rules, too). If he does, Sister Jo and I cover the cost of Gas and Car Insurance.

- Bro Jo

Now, back to Tired.

OK.

1) You’re one of those exceptions to the rule. At only 17 you’re not really at “marrying age” yet, so even though you’re out of High School, I think you should keep Group Dating. Can I make a suggestion here? I think you’ve been as much a part of the Problem as the boys. When you get called to go on a “Group Date” that’s really more of a hang out, who’s calling? If it’s another girl the two of you need to conspire to make the boys actually date you. If it’s a guy you need to set the standard. Tired, they’re not Dating you girls because you don’t REQUIRE them to. Next time a you get one of these invites say “Great! Who’s my date?” and make certain that everyone gets the “paired off” standard.

2) Yes. My suggestion is that you need to be more specific and more blunt. Don’t announce to a group “hey it would be fun to do this”, find a guy that you think should take you out, go up to him and say “Hey, when are you going to take me on a date?” or, to use your example “We should all get together to play Ultimate Frisbee. You should ask me to be your date and get so-and-so to ask out my friend, that girl over there”. You’re giving the boys, and the girls, too much wiggle room.

3) I understand your frustration, but the training needs to start somewhere. If not you then who? Dating doesn’t HAVE TO take “lot’s of guts and courage”, and I don’t think it should. As we work to keep Casual Dating just that, Casual, then the pressure will be off and more young people we’ll go out, have a good time, and be better prepared when they ARE at that point where it’s time to find a spouse.

Be Proactive, and you won’t stay “Dateless”. I know it’s tougher when you live in an area without many fellow Saints. Expand your Social Circle to include Good Kids who fall into the Not Yet Baptized category. As long as everyone respects everyone else, and we stick to the rules, Casual Group Dating need not be an LDS only thing.

And get to some Stake Young Single Adult Activities, go to Education Week, get a scholarship to do a Semester or two at one of the BYU’s (maybe Hawaii???). Go to the “Dear Bro Jo” Facebook Fan Page and Chat it Up, add a few new “Friends”. Expand your circle and your horizons!

Lastly, I will gladly call a few of the boys in your ward (you may be surprised to learn how much delight I get from those calls!).

“Hi. This is Brother Johnston, writer of the Dear Bro Jo column. I’m calling because the Young Women in your area have complained that you’re not taking any of them out. What’s the problem, Buddy? Do I need to come out there and kick you into action? (Faith is an Action Word, you know) Seriously, what do I have to do to get you to ask a girl out in the next 3 minutes?”

“Hi, Sister Sonstooshy? This is Bro Jo. I understand your boy is afraid of girls. What can we do to fix that?”

“Hey, Brother Sonwontdate? I’m Brother Johnston. Yeah, the guy who writes the Internet thing. I’m calling because the Young Women in your area have asked me to help you get your kid on dates. I’m sure you don’t want him to be single and 35 and living at home . . . what do you think it will take to get him to the next Stake Dance?”


Just say the word, and I’ll do it.

You know I will.


- Bro Jo

PS - If it's any consolation, often some of the Best Girls in High School don't get asked out much, if at all, until college, so take heart!