The Un-forgiven

Dear Bro Jo,

I have been reading some of your blogs and they have really good advice in them! So I was wondering if you could help me out with a problem of mine... Let me tell you a little about me first... I am 16 turning 17 next month and I've only been on one date... The dating thing doesn't really fly for me, but I really want to date more... Any way on with my story...

When I was 12 a couple of wards got together and had a little dance thing. Everybody was invited 12 and up. So I went and this girl that I liked, and still do like, and some others kids went... So anyway I was dancing with this other girl (Girl 1) in my ward and she told me that she liked me... Now I didn't want to sound rude so I just kind of fumbled my way through the conversation.... But anyway onto the important part...

Me and the girl that I liked (Girl 2) were dancing and she also told me that she liked me... Needless to say I was happy beyond all measure... But anyway, I kind of started laughing... and then I told her that another girl (Girl 1) had told me that she liked me but that I didn't like Girl 1... Needless to say she went into tune out mode and tuned out everything after "another girl said she liked me..." I've told her the rest of the story when the subject was brought up a couple of years later... That’s when I told her that I liked her again... But she was all "the wounds will never heal..." or something to that effect...

So for the past couple of years I've tried to show her how sorry I am, and how much I like her... But now she's all like "I don't really like you the way that I used to, the hurt is still inside, but we can still be friends..." And now she's "going out" with a 15 year old non-member, and her parents don't really like him... But occasionally she will ask me what I think of him... and I'll say something along the line of "He's a good kid..." but every time I get done saying that I always regret saying it because I really don't like this kid she is "going out" with... But every time I still say, "He's a good kid..."

So now recently I've been hearing stories from a kid in my ward that goes to school with her (I don't go to school with her) that they kiss and hold hands and whatnot... Although for her sake I'm glad that it hasn't gotten much more than that...

Anyway, I have met this guy several times before; I don't really get a good feeling when I'm around him... I don't know if that’s just jealousy or what but I don't really get a good feeling when I'm around him... And in my talks with this girl that I like she has told me before that he doesn't like me... He thinks that I am trying to break them up because I said that I still liked this girl...

So you can see my situation... If you could give me some advice, any advice would be greatly accepted... Thanks!

Signed,
Confused and Un-forgiven


Dear Mr. Eastwood,

(It’s a joke/movie reference – just roll with it)

Of course you’re jealous!

You’ve been pining over this “lost love” for five years; it’s time to move on (or at least R-E-L-A-X); holy heck, neither of you are actually old enough to Seriously Date yet!

First of all, you need to learn to mind your own business a little more than you do. There’s a girl you know, who used to like you but now doesn’t (5 years ago!), and now she’s got a boyfriend that you think is a bad guy (read as: “not you”) – I have news: there’s very little you can do about that. Moreover, anything you try to do is not going to come off very well.

Take comfort in the fact that she probably does like you on some level. You're both old enough, why don't you take her on a Casual Group Date or two?

But, for now, try not to get involved in her personal life.

OK, I understand that she’s asked for your opinion on this guy; let me tell you a secret: she WANTS you to tell her he’s a Jerk and a Loser.

Go back and read that last sentence again. Did it sink in?

Think about it: why would ANY girl ask a former interest about her current boyfriend? Because she either wants your approval or she’s trying to get you to confess that you still like her. Either way she’s working you to make her feel better about herself.

I think, as I said, that she wants you to get upset; she wants you to scream “pick me instead of him!” (and you need to know that her wanting that DOES NOT NECESSARILY MEAN that She wants You; she just wants You to want Her – very different things).

Sister Jo would add that she’s trying to manipulate you. She still carries some sense of embarrassment about what she said when you were both 12 (you do realize, of course, that, probably because of the noise and confusion of the dance and the age of the dancers, what she thought you were saying is that “oh, yeah, all these girls like me”). If she can continue to string you along, even if as nothing more than a potential back up or ego booster, then she’s in control of the situation between you.

(Readers: so much of what and why people – including you and I – do and say what we doand say comes down to “Control”. We all have our insecurities - even those that seem supremely confident – and so we often do things to try to better control our lives. Keep that in mind; it applies to more than just boy-girl relationships.)

Lastly, Clint, fight against getting caught up in the Gossip Mill. People respect others more if they feel they can be trusted, and few things dissipate trust like a propensity to talk about the lives and actions of others.

- Bro Jo

Hey Bro. Jo,

Thats some of the best advice that I have ever heard on this subject. I've mentioned the subject before to other friends but the advice was... fuzzy at best, for lack of another word.

It didn't sink in quite like this did. It was great. Thanks for the help.

~Confused and Un-Forgiven~


Dear Clint,

You're welcome!

If you ever need anything else sunk, I'm your man.

- Bro Jo