The "Other" Girl

Dear Bro Jo,

Problem Numero Uno: Well I have been 16 for a few months and I have been asked on a few dates but the guys never actually follow through with the date. This drives me nuts because I want to date more! They say they want to go on a date with me soon, but they never call me or make the plans. Should I call them and remind them or forget about it? What can I do different next time a guy tells me he is going to call me?

Problem #2: My friend threw me a surprise party for my sweet sixteen birthday party and she set up a bunch of couples and she, set me up on a date with this guy that I like that told me he wanted to go on a date with me while we were dancing. Before the party, I not knowing about the party asked him to a girls ask guy dance (by the way, do you think it is a bad decision to ask guys to these things because I have read one of your other posts that says that guys lose respect for girls when the girl asks them on the date? and maybe that was the problem)

So anyways after we went to this dance, it had been 2 consecutive dates that we had been on with each other(that the guy didn't ask the girl) and he started to act way different and treat me really rude and never asked me to do anything with him or even say hi to me in the hall. From an outside perspective, WHAT HAPPENED?!

I just wanted to be friends that is all and now we aren't even friends. Is there something I can do to fix our friendship? Every time I try to be friends with a guy they think I like them and they have to show to me that they don't like me by ignoring me or showing no interest. What am I doing wrong?

Just for your information, I live in a sort of small town, but there are many sub-towns around it. Pretty much 90% of the population is LDS. I don't have a lot of guy friends and the guy friends I do have aren't very close. I try to be friends with everyone I can but guys are...ugh just really hard to get through to.

Problem #3: My best friend is a cheerleader and has numerous guys chasing after her. A guy asked her to go hang out with him and a friend and she invited me to go with her. The whole time, both guys were flirting with her because after all they invited HER and I never got a word in edge-wise. I don't consider myself a shy person so I talked and every time I tried to talk, they either ignored what I said making no eye contact or they would just start talking about something else, pretty much showing no interest in what I had to say. I just felt like I wasn't really supposed to be there.

My friend didn't like how they were treating me but at the same time she didn't want to be rude either and well, I don't blame her. I almost felt like I was bringing her down and it was just a really uncomfortable situation.

What could I do different to not make myself feel so uncomfortable? Would it have been better if I didn't go?

PLEASE HELP!!!

Thanks,

That Other Girl


Dear O.G.,

(Clever signature, by the way)

Problem One: OK, I hate to break it to you, but you’ve never been asked out. These guys are testing the waters, but not actually setting the date. It’s all just talk.

Who knows why?

Fear? Are they just making conversation or being polite?

It’s tough to tell from this distance. It may be all of the above.

Should you call them and remind them that they said they’d take you out?

No.

While I do advocate several methods for getting guys to ask you out (see the Facebook Note HERE), those are all techniques you use in person. I draw the line at phone calling, it just goes Too Far in making it easy for the guy when a girl calls him. Make him come to you, O.G., don’t do all the work for him.

What you CAN do the next time a guy says he’s going to call you is to increase the commitment and pressure a little. To that I offer

Bro Jo’s TEN WAYS To INCREASE The ODDS a GUY WILL ACTUALLY CALL

1. Push. “Really? When?” (The follow up to his non-committal “sometime” is “Oh, I see. Do you not really intend to call me, or do you need to see a calendar and a watch?”)

2. Dare. “I don’t think you have the courage to call me . . .”

3. Flirt. “Oooh, I’ll be sitting by the phone eagerly! (an “arm touch” here is a good idea)

4. Encourage. “I hope so; I’m worth the effort.” (This one, by the way, is not only one of my favorites; it worked on Ol’ Bro Jo more than once.)

5. Rush. “Well you better make it soon, before I decide not to answer the phone. Opportunities to call me have an expiration date, you know.”

6. Compete. “You’d better hurry; you’re not the only boy who wants to call me, you know.”

7. Confirm. “Do you have my number?”

8. Specify. “You can call tonight between 8pm and 9pm. Miss that, and you might miss me.”

9. Goad. “Of course you will; you’re smart enough to realize what will happen if you say you’ll call and you don’t actually call, right?” (The follow up to his “No”, is “Oh, how sad for you! Well in that case I suggest you call!”)

10. Define. “So, when you say you’re going to call me, do you mean it or is it just something you say?”

That should get you started.

Numero Dos. Asking a guy to an official “Girl ask Guy Event” is OK, so long as you actually do put the shoe on the other foot. What I mean is that you, as the asker, need to Plan, Pick Up and Pay. You still need to follow Bro Jo’s DATING RULES (see the list at the side, or the Facebook page HERE), but I think these once or twice a year events can be healthy and educational for both Guys and Gals.

Very Educational.

In fact, I’ll go so far as to say that Sisters have just as much of an obligation to ask Brethren on these Girl-Ask-Guy dates as Brethren have to ask girls the rest of the time, and that my friends, if you haven’t figured it out yet, is Very High.

But that differs from Girls asking Guys on Regular Dates. THAT I highly discourage, as you’ve noted. Get HIM to ask YOU out, but don’t emasculate him by doing the asking; you’ll very likely regret it.

And that’s part of what happened to you. On some level you made him feel awkward because of the role-reversal. And he also felt pursued. Initially, for a guy, that can be flattering (everyone likes to be liked), but it can quickly become suffocating, even more so for a guy than a girl. A guy can even change his mind about liking a girl that he feels is pursuing him too strongly.

You probably freaked him out. Not intentionally. And, you may not want to hear this, but it was probably a good thing for both of you, particularly given your age.

Guys with no moral compass like to be pursued because they think it translates to easy . . . well . . . sex. Those types of guys deny that, of course, but it’s still true.

I know it’s a double standard, but so are many of the truths of life.

And, as I’ve said many, Many, MANY TIMES, Guys Can’t Be Close Friends with Girls.

(Readers: are you more comfortable with that phrasing?)

You’re either:

1) a Future Date Hope (roll your eyes all you want, ladies, its true)

2) a Back-Up Plan

3) a Tool for Us to Learn How to Date Someone Else

4) or Just Not as Close a Friend as You Think (we will shed you the instant we’re committed to another girl – she’ll insist on it because of reasons 1-3, which she will at that moment realize is true, even if you do not)

5) a Sister (or at least he thinks of you as one) and Ain’t Nothing Ever Going to Happen (Which, by the way, in Young Single guys is Phenomenally Rare. With due respect to J.K. Rowling, there’s No Way Harry and Hermione share a tent, alone in the woods, for a really long time after Ron dumps her, that they don’t cuddle and make out. Trust me.)

Problem 3. It was Good that you went. Your “friend” needed a chaperon (although I think a True Friend would have placed your feelings ahead of her flirting - keep that in mind for when it's you being pursued and someone else tagging along). It’s too bad she wasn’t mature enough to act upon what she saw, but it happens, and she’ll grow out of it.

Conversation is an art, and well worth practicing. These boys probably would have responded to you better if you were asking them questions about them, making them feel as though they were the center of the conversation. Perhaps not, but it’s worth a try.

Next time, take a book. Just in case.

Or perhaps including a couple additional guys and girls would have been better . . .

- Bro Jo