Dear Brother Jo,
I really appreciate all that you do for LDS youth. I am confused right now about a girl, and hope that you could help me out.
First off, I am 15 and a half, and haven't dated yet.
I don't know how to put this without sounding big-headed, but girls seem to like me, especially girls from the stake.
My older brother had a really good friend, let’s call her Jan, who was pretty much his best friend throughout high school.
Jan is, in my opinion, a babe. She is a year younger than him, meaning she is a senior this year (at a different school about 30 minutes away from me).
My brother has just left for college, and I am a sophomore.
Well anyway, I never knew this girl before my brother left for college. No, my brother and her never were romantic (I understand this goes against your policy of guys and girls not being just friends), but it was more like my brother had a huge crush on another girl in the stake and she would comfort him and give him advice about what to do.
I officially met her at youth conference this summer (my brother had already left for college), and we immediately became good friends.
She has a car and unlimited gas (her grandparents pay for her gas when she hangs out with church people), and we have hung out a few weekends this year. She would usually come pick me up (about 30 minutes from her house) and drive me thirty minutes to a party with stake friends.
I understand that this seems pretty weird, but she says she has unlimited gas and that it’s no big deal.
Well anyways we text kind of frequently. She has texted me some things that could seem romantic but I see how they could also not be. For example: she said she was going to take me out on my first date when I turn 16 (but there were some lol's and haha's in there).
I got the impression that she just wanted to get me dating Mormon girls and "introduce" me to the field (just one date), she calls me love (not really sure what that means, considering my doctor calls me that too).
One time after hanging out with a bunch of friends she and I were texting and I told her my family seemed to like her, and she responded something like “good it will be easier for us to date that way jk”, which really puzzled me.
But maybe a couple of days after this we were texting and somehow we brought up the subject of what if we dated, but she responded like “no your my brother would kill me haha”.
I am really puzzled. I know I am two years younger than her, and sort of think she is out of my league (after all, she has been proposed to and asked to wait twice by missionaries about leave).
She has had a rocky life, very strained relationship with her parents for being a member of the church and being forced to live with her grandparents, unstable relationships, consequences of not choosing the right, etc. and I sort of wonder if maybe she thinks I am her own personal 'comforter', the cute younger sensitive kid (again I don’t want to sound full of myself, but to make you understand me better I added these adjectives of things I have been described before).
I sometimes think about what my dad told me before: to be careful with the girls with low self esteem, that I especially would attract them more than other young men, and I guess you could say she sort of does have low self esteem, even though she is one of the 'popular' girls at her school and liked by many (she told me once that the reason she wears bikinis is because that’s how she was raised and has never had the self esteem to wear a one piece).
Or maybe she expects me to be the replacement of my brother (he and I are a lot alike) and expects that she and I will have a relationship similar to theirs (just good friends who help each other out with problems and issues we face).
Overall I am just confused.
I guess my main question is what should I think about the relationship I have with her?
- The Brother
P.S. I'm not sure about your policy of what to post on your blog, but I would appreciate if you didn't post this.
Dear Brother,
Sorry for the delay - it took me a while to break down your letter into individual thoughts / paragraphs.
My policy on posting is that if someone asks me not to, I don't, but I'd like you to reconsider. I could change the names and fix the syntax so it's not likely anyone would figure out it's you writing, and your letter may help lots of guys in similar situations.
- Bro Jo
Brother Johnston,
Sorry about my confusing email, I'll try to keep it more organized. And about posting my question on your blog, go ahead, but please do what you talked about earlier, changing names and changing syntax, etc.
- The Brother
Dear Brother,
Thank you.
To clarify, it's not that I have a "policy" against guys and girls being friendly, it's that I'm smart enough to know that No Guy will spend lots of time with a girl unless he's somehow romantically or physically interested in her. It freaks girls out to hear that, so I often phrase it differently, saying "Guys and Girls Can't Be Close Friends without the Underlying Tension of a Romantic Relationship".
And you know firsthand that what I say is true. This girl wants to be your "friend". She looks at you as a Little Brother, a Replacement Friend. She might one day allow it to become more. If she does it will probably be because she fears losing you or she feels obligated in some way. She may find you attractive, but risking losing that "friendship" for her is not worth the trade off. For now, you're a "safe" companion; male companionship with no entanglements.
She won't understand why you can't "just be friends", nor does she understand how you feel when she flirts with you. (And, sorry to say, she may not care.) If anything, playing with your hormones probably provides her with some external validation.
She's in a tough spot. According to you, she's very pretty, and that might be the problem. Perhaps she's been praised for, and gotten so much attention because of, her looks that she wonders if she has anything else to offer.
However irrational our insecurities may seem to others, to us they're very real.
I don't think she's intentionally being malicious, but I do think she's got some serious "Individual Worth" things to work out.
Look at the bikini comment . . .
At first read people may be thinking "what the heck! That doesn't add up", but I think it's a very honest and telling remark. How can a more revealing garment be a choice based on lack of self-esteem?
Because of the reactions she gets when she wears it.
Ponder that.
Your dad is a wise man when he advises you about girls with Low Self Esteem. Listen to what he says.
Should you pursue a relationship with her?
No.
You should be friendly. And polite.
But under no circumstances should you be alone with her in a room or car or anywhere to secluded or dark. That includes no more riding in the car with just the two of you. Life is full of enough temptations without inviting others to tempt us.
Even if your brother didn't have a Romantic Relationship with her, he likely thought about it (and I’m almost certain that she did – keep in mind that she may be using you to replace him, or even to “get even” with him). You should talk to him; I'll bet he's got some good perspective and advice.
Girlfriends at your age ARE NOT a good idea. When you turn 16, go on some Casual Group Dates. You do the Planning, Paying and Picking Up. If you want to include this girl as one of your dates, that's fine, but stick to the Dating Rules.
(You can read the Dating Rules by clicking HERE.)
- Bro Jo
Dear Bro Jo,
I appreciate all you have said, and it has helped clear some things out for me.
Thanks,
The Brother
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