New York vs. Utah

Dear Bro Jo,

I came across your blog on the Facebook thing and decided to check it out and see if you could help give me some ideas on my problem.

I'm a 17 year old girl and originally from Utah and I moved to NY about a year and a half ago. Before I moved I was always friends with guys and most of my good friends were LDS. When I moved here I turned 16 and I was really excited to start going on casual dates and just get more opportunities to meet people.

The problem is, I tend to be really shy around people I haven't known for very long, so it has been kind of hard for me to get to know people really well and I haven't really gotten to be friends with very many guys. It was really easy to make friends at church because we have things in common with our beliefs and everything but there really aren't any guys my age.

The only two, in my opinion are really immature in their attitudes toward girls and I really wouldn't be comfortable even with casual dates. And there are only two or three other guys my age in my stake and I think they are all steady dating people...I really want to start dating and just have fun getting to know people, but out here in my school people just don't go on dates!

They all just "go out" like boyfriend and girlfriend and it seems like all they are after is physical relationships. I'm one of two LDS people (both girls) at my school and the only one in my grade and of dating age, unless people actually know us, they rarely know anything about our standards... I guess what I'm trying to say is in our school actual casual fun dates is nowhere near the norm, and being a girl how can I go on dates if guys won't ask. I know today girls can ask guys out, but I think the guys would think I had big crushes on them or whatnot. In my opinion, I really think guys should ask girls out and so it’s really kind of a weird position for me, especially considering I am a little shy and not very well known at my school.

The other problem is that our school doesn't have dances like Homecoming or Sadies. All we have is a semi-formal, Junior Prom, and Senior Ball and in all honesty the dances are terrible and the dancing and music is extremely inappropriate. For semi, nobody even goes with a date and then with prom and ball, I guess they are supposed to have a date, but they just go the dance and from what I hear, everyone parties afterward. Back in Utah, there were so many more dances and girls preferences... plus, they would have activities during the day and do fun things for dates so this is nowhere near what I'm used to!

I've only been on one date, and my mom (I was really upset about it) lined it up with a ward member’s relative and we ended up having a really fun time but then he had to leave, so I really haven't had any other opportunities. What can I do?!? I feel like I'm missing out on getting to know a lot of people and creating fun memories.

Thanks,

- Dateless


Dear Dateless,

It’s tough to change the local culture, especially when you’re one of just a couple people that have your same standards and expectations . . . so the most important thing you can do is to make the commitment NOT to lower your standards. You also need to not come across as too judgmental of everyone else; you need to understand that your point of view on dating is for them Very Strange.

I wish the guys in the Church (and their parents) were more sensitive to the fact that once an LDS girl hits 16 she really expects to be take on some dates by some nice guys – in our home we see it not only as a Great and Fun Opportunity, but also a Priesthood Responsibility.

(Tangent: one girl complained that she wouldn’t want to be asked out by a boy that she thought was only asking her because his parents, like Sister Jo and I with our boys, “require” him to date. Of course she changed her tune when that, and her less than friendly attitude, resulted in No One Ever Asking Her Out . . .)

As you make new friends at your new school (which you can help along by being active in extracurricular activities and inviting kids to join you for video parties and YM/YW activities), I’ll bet you find that many of the girls like the idea of actually being taken out on Casual Group Dates, with no pressure, no relationship expectations, and no physical “requirement”. Perhaps through your example they’ll begin to understand that the only difference between them and prostitutes is that Working Girls get paid . . .

And give it time; as you acclimate guys are bound to eventually ask you on dates. Respond with joy and kindness, and explain to them that you’d love to go on a Casual Group Activity as their Date. When they ask what that is, explain it in a nice encouraging way. It’s OK to date non-members at this stage. Stick to the Rules. Make certain your parents meet the boy. Remember, you’re not just Dating, you’re Educating (and learning, too!).

You’re right: Guys need to do the asking (although it’s OK for girls to do some Strong Suggesting).
Get on Student Council and help plan some Girl-ask-Guy Dances (which, by the way, still need to follow the Dating Rules), suggest discount tickets to formal dances for couples . . . be creative!

Oh, and if it means anything, I get TONS of letters from youth “back in Utah” with the very same complaints that you have in New York.

No joke.

Dance complaints . . .

Guys not asking girls out complaints . . .

Everyone seems to be in a Boyfriend-Girlfriend relationship complaints . . .

Trust me; you’re not alone in the Universe.

- Bro Jo