I recently moved to Missouri, and the youth sizes are about half of what they are in Utah. There are about five guys my age in my ward and they're all pretty good lookin' but the sad thing is that you can't tell them apart from the non-member guys at school. They behave the same way, sometimes even worse, they all started dating at age twelve, and I have even heard them take Heavenly Fathers name in vain and let a few cuss words slip at church. The two times they actually show up to Sunday school a month, they have their phone out constantly, most likely texting their current girlfriends.
What are you supposed to do when the guys at church act worse than most of the non-member guys at school? Who am I supposed to date? My parents say I'm only supposed to date members. Sure, that was an ok rule in Utah cause EVERYONE at school went to church, it didn't really make a difference. But here, it's completely different. Do I obey my parents and only date members? (Just in case you were wondering, it's the whole stake too. Youth conference and dances are a mess.) Or do I date ok guys from school? I know not dating is an option, but I really want to date, so that option is out of the picture.
PLEASE HELP!!
Sincerely,
Undecided.
Now I've traveled a little, and I have to tell you, kids are pretty much the same size just about everywhere . . .
(sorry, couldn't resist)
Look, I think it's OK to date non-members in Casual Group Dates so long as everyone, member or not, sticks to the rules.
But you also need to respect and obey your parents.
Let me suggest to you, though, that your parents might warm up to the idea of you dating non-members if you a) talked to them, and b) they got to know the boys you're interested in going on dates with.
Start by talking to you folks and letting them know how you feel and what your concerns are. Tell them what the "active LDS" boys are really like - they may be surprised (although they shouldn't be, every school has bad kids, and in predominantly LDS areas you can pretty much guarantee that the "bad kids" are Mormons). Discuss that you want to date. Share your concerns.
And LISTEN to what they have to say, too.
Then plan a get-together at your house. A game night, video party or something where you and your parents can get to know some of these kids better.
One more thing you can, and need, to do is to talk to your YW Leaders and your Bishopric. Don't "rat out" the bad kids in your ward or stake, but share your concerns and ask for advice. I'm curious how they'll respond . . .
But realize that no one can address your concerns if you don't share them.
- Bro Jo
2 comments:
Umm, I'm a parent, and I don't think that all girls and guys need to date. I think group parties can be enough. And I don't agree that teen boys have a "priesthood responsibility" to take girls on dates. Some are just not ready, and we need to give them their space to prepare for their missions the way THEY need to. Just my opinion, having had two teenage boys, AND in YW organization.
Casual Group Dating teaches important social and preparatory skills that will help boys on their missions and when they come home, skills that they can't really learn or practice in any other way.
Moreover, if the Good Guys aren't dating, who are our Young Women going to go out with? THAT'S what's meant by "priesthood responsibility".
We parents who discourage our children from having dating experiences often find that we've crippled them socially. I believe the fear we have as parents about sexual activity and unworthiness is better dealt with by teaching our Youth that they CAN date, that they CAN have fun, that they CAN meet and interact with new people at Dances and on Dates, and STILL be righteous and worthy.
I respect that you had the courage to post a comment, and honor your right to your opinion, but it's my opinion that attitudes like yours are why we have increasing numbers of non-married YSA's, why the Prophets and Apostles feel the need to tell college students to "stop hanging our" and consistently encourage them to put down the game controller, get off the sofa, and go find an eternal spouse.
Our fears as parents and leaders are crippling our young people! We need to be teaching and empowering them with confidence and social skills.
I have teenage boys. I also have daughters. I've worked with youth for nearly 2 decades. Sister Jo has served in YW. I've met and corresponded with YM/YM and YSA's around the globe. I teach seminary and institute. We have a YSA Family Home Evening Group that visits our home regularly. We're the first people to tell you we don't know it all (our kids will chime in quickly thereafter), but we're not neophytes when it comes to this stuff, either.
Each parent needs to follow the Spirit and do what they feel is right for their own children, and for the children in their stewardship. Nothing I say or write here can possibly pertain to every person everywhere, but Good Sister I invite you to do two things:
1) Talk to some 25-35 singles in the Church, perhaps by visiting a Student Ward, and investigate their dating skills.
2) Ponder whether you're teaching YM/YW not to date is for them . . . or for you. Is it your boys that aren't ready, or their mom?
I'm sorry if my response has come across harshly; I really am grateful for you and the opportunity to discuss this issue; and, again, I applaud you for speaking your mind.
I'm also glad that you're encouraging group Parties, and hope that you're having Dances and Etiquette Dinners for your Youth. Those are excellent ways to prepare them to Be Ready.
And I hope that you and your husband regularly date (I recommend once a week) and attend the Temple. Those examples will go a long way towards building and maintaining your own relationship as well as setting the standard that your children and the other youth can look to emulate.
- Bro Jo
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