The Unready Missionary - part 1

Dear Bro Jo,

I just found your blog and have been reading it and I've read some really great stuff. So I wanted to ask you a question, I'm not sure if this is how I'm supposed to do it but here goes.

I am 20 years old; I'll be turning 21 on (date withheld). I have had several hard points in my life recently which has shaken my faith in the gospel and in my everyday life.

I graduated in 2007 and went to college for a semester while I was submitting my papers and waiting for my mission call. I received a call to (location withheld) in December and was scheduled to leave in April. I was super excited and couldn't wait to leave.

When I arrived at the MTC I just felt overwhelmed and didn't feel like I belonged there. I came to realize that it was because I have had an addiction to pornography and hadn't completely overcome it, and also because I stole some money from work over a year ago.

After a week in the MTC I came home early to make things right. I talked to my work and paid them back the money I took and worked on overcoming pornography, but I never completely overcame it. While I was home I started having doubts about the church and read some anti-Mormon sites which basically destroyed my testimony.

I just worked and went home and played video games for several months.

I didn't completely make up my mind about going back on a mission but I was just going along with it to make everyone around me happy, but I never worked hard at building my testimony back up. I never read the scriptures and I only prayed sometimes.

After doing this for several months and not moving forward at all I finally received another mission call back to (withheld) and I was scheduled to leave on (date withheld).

I was really excited about this because I thought it would get my life moving again, but two or three days before I became super stressed and scared about my mission.

I texted a friend who is an atheist and talked to him about being scared and everything. He told me that I shouldn't go and told me why (he would never have told me this if I didn't ask him, he won't bash on the church while I'm there and he won't force me to believe anything) since I asked him he told me several strong points of why the church is false and I went along with him.

My mom could tell how stressed I was so she told me that she wanted me to go out and stay there for at least three weeks. That way I could overcome any bugs and nervousness I felt and if I felt like I shouldn't be there then I could go home. I agreed with her and told her I would do that, but I was thinking that I just have to stay there for three weeks and then I can go home.

I was planning on going home and in those few days before I was supposed to leave I didn't have any desire to go on a mission at all. After I was there for a day and stayed the night I talked to my branch president and lied. I told him that I had a panic attack and couldn't stay there anymore. I was still super stressed and scared but that wasn't really any excuse at all.

That day I called my Stake President and he was telling me that I would regret coming home for the rest of my life. I still decided to come home and my parents have been very supportive. I then went back to work at my same job and started taking some college during the semester to try to move on in my life. I signed up for fall classes but ended up dropping all of them because of the work and I procrastinated and fell behind and couldn't catch up.

So now I am just working just like I did before I went on my mission.

I guess what I am asking is, how do I move on? I don't feel like I belong in the church but I have to keep going since I live with my parents still. I want to stay a member but I just don't believe the church, that cloud of doubt stays in my mind and I can't get rid of it.

Most of my friends either live far away or are out on their missions so I feel pretty alone. I just don't know what to do, I am very lazy and can't seem to get out of my hole and move on. I mainly just work and then go home and play video games.

I want to change my life. What can I do to become a happy person who has strong faith in the gospel and becoming a hard worker? I realize that this is a very broad thing and it's all in my attitude but I am very shy and just can't seem to move myself forward.

What should I do? I'm willing to try anything,

(name withheld)


Dear (name withheld)

Email is the best way to get a hold of me.

Let me tell you upfront that I'm a straight shooter; I'll call it like I see it. If you want things sugar coated, I'm not your guy.

Secondly, while I'm not always right, I'll do my best to follow the Spirit and I'll never lie to you.

Here we go.

I think you already know what your problem is. You've admitted it to me, but maybe haven't admitted it to yourself yet.

You were unworthy to go on the mission, and you know it. You've hidden that from everyone, right?

Rather than go through the Full Repentance Process you've been telling half truths (at best) to everyone that could help you - your Branch President, your Stake President, your parents . . .

And yourself.

You've allowed Satan to convince you that accepting the atonement and setting things right will be harder than living without the blessings of the Gospel in your life. You've even searched outside the Church, away from Christ, for your answers - it's as if you've convinced yourself that if the Church is somehow "not true" (even though, let's face it, deep down, despite whatever you've read and been told, you KNOW it is) then you haven't done anything wrong, and therefore have nothing to fix.

What you've been doing is the spiritual equivalent of going to a crooked mechanic and asking him if there's anything wrong with your car. What you need to do is go to the reputable guy, the one who actually knows the truth about your car, and has no vested interest in taking your money for repairs you don't need.

So much of what you're doing with your time is about avoiding reality, do you really want to go on like that forever?

You've given up on your testimony, stopped reading your scriptures, and stopped talking to God . . . piece it together, man! That's why you're not happy! You've driven the Spirit out of your life.

Did your Stake President know about the unworthiness, the Porn Addiction, and the lying when he told you to stay in the Mission Field?

No, he didn't, did he?

You want to get your life back and your life back together - that's excellent! Good for you!

The first thing you need to do is realize that there are no quick fixes.

The second is that bringing the Spirit back in your life will be totally worth whatever you have to go through.

The third is that you need to call your Stake President immediately. You need to meet with him as soon as possible. I'm not kidding here, (name withheld). The same way that the adversary worked on you to keep a valuable missionary out of the field, he will work on you to keep you miserable.

You and I need to recognize that you were inspired to write - that means something.

Go with that inspiration!

Call today!

Wherever you are, call this guy at home, in his office, at Church, whatever you have to do, as soon as it's a decent hour to call. If you can't reach him, call the executive secretary. Can't reach that guy? Call one of the other members of the Stake Presidency.

Make a commitment - no computer - video games or otherwise (hey, you're not the first person struggling with pornography I've ever talked to - I know what the gateways are) until AFTER you've met with the man. This is IMPORTANT - TRUST ME!

Look, (name withheld), its 12:35am where I'm at - I've got kids getting up for school in 5 1/2 hours, and I need to be at work in 6 1/2 hours. I've had a long weekend, and I'm beat, but for some reason I couldn't sleep tonight. I'm sitting here on the computer and I get the email from you - I KNOW your letter is why I'm here . . . up at this time . . .

I understand that you're struggling.

You're not alone.

I need you to know that I KNOW that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love us, all of us. I KNOW the atonement is real. I KNOW that through Christ you can return to happiness.

Let the idea of the mission go for now. Let's focus on getting you Spiritually Healthy.

Make the call.

Set the appointment.

And contact me any time you need.

- Bro Jo



[Readers,
Several weeks went by without hearing from this writer.  I sent an email or two with no response, then finally tracked him down on Facebook.  Look for that next exchange to be posted as part 2 within the next couple weeks.]