Killing Them with Kindness

Dear Bro Jo,

Thanks. Knowing that "the one" thing is a myth makes it easier for me to decide what to do here. I guess I've known that seriously dating a nonmember is probably a bad idea, but for some reason I felt like I'd risk the chance of losing "the one" if I totally put off dating him.

But, anyway, I'd like to throw something else your way, if that's alright.

A few months ago, a nice guy told me he was interested in me (also a nonmember). Let's call him Tyler. He's a sweet kid and he has very high standards, but he's younger than me, and at the time he wasn't old enough to date yet. I told him right off that I didn't really feel comfortable with dating someone who wasn't old enough...if I was living by that standard for myself, it made sense that he needed to be 16, too. But I was interested in him..and I told him that. Maybe that was a mistake. But that's not really the point of what I'm asking. Nothing happened between us...we were just both aware that we'd both like dating each other at some point in the future.

Turns out Tyler tells his parents a lot. So they knew about everything, and he told them how he felt about me and everything. I'm not saying that's a bad thing...just saying that's what happened. They're a Baptist family. A couple of months passed by and he came to school one day and told me that his parents didn't want him dating a girl who "wasn't Christian". I took it badly, obviously. Firstly, I'd never even met them. I was upset at the way they judged me without even having met me. Secondly, they're a very nice family. It bothered me that a family so open to all of his other friends would shut me out so easily. And thirdly, I was upset because...Mormons ARE Christians...and I felt like his parents were telling me what I believed in. I felt like they were saying, "You're not good enough for our son, because you're a Mormon."

It hurt, a lot. I felt like I was being attacked. Eventually, I decided that they were just parents trying to do what they thought was best for their son, by telling him he wasn't allowed to take interest in Mormons. (Sorry, that just sounds like an ignorant statement..ugh.) I put it out of mind, left school for summer vacation, and came back to school with a fresh start. Tyler and I are both involved in the marching band at our high school...which means we spend a lot of time together, regardless of whether we want to or not.

Taking a tangent: My sister was asked to homecoming by another nonmember boy. They're both freshmen. She told him she couldn't go, because she wasn't old enough.

Word about my sister and this boy spread like wildfire. Soon, people started to joke with him and tell him that he was the "new Tyler". It wasn't that big of a deal, but an ugly rumor cropped up. Suddenly, a lot of the younger kids in the band got wind of it. Now, a lot of them have the idea that I led him on a few months ago and then told him, randomly and out of the blue that I'd never date him because he wasn't Mormon.

Mostly, I'm just upset. I feel like my reputation has been tainted, as well as my religion. I don't know how to fix it. I can't be upset with Tyler, because he didn't start the rumor. But people continually befriend him while looking down on me for something I didn't do.

What would you tell one of your kids if they were struggling like this?

Thanks again,

(name withheld)


Dear NW,

I'd tell them what I've told them before: Welcome to High School.

People believe what they want to believe, and you can't control that any more than you can control the weather.

Sometimes people lie. Sometimes they spread rumors. Sometimes they're mean.

They do it because they're insecure, perhaps even a little jealous. They have the misconstrued idea that if they bring you down it will lift them up.

(Isn't that sad?)

Your real friends won't care what other people say, and as the rumors fly you may quickly learn just who your real friends are.

(And remember, it's better to have a few Good, Loyal, Sincere, Close Friends, than to be the most popular person in school. As you look around you for who those friends are, don't forget to count your family, your Church Leaders, and Christ.)

As you stay to your standards you'll begin to earn the respect of Good, Decent People. I know it can be difficult, but if you can learn to let the taunting of others not bother you, and try in your best Christ-like way to be kind and understanding towards those that persecute you, you'll win new friends. You may win over those that put you down, you may just irritate them more, but there's truth to the principle of "killing them with kindness". They may not come over to the Light Side, but others will see you as the True Christian you are, and they'll know the truth.

THAT'S what being a disciple of Christ is all about.

It's not always easy, but it's always worth it.

I promise.

- Bro Jo