Coworkers

Hey Bro Jo!

I've written you once before, and you told me exactly what I already knew but I suppose I just needed to hear it from someone else. Anyhoo, today or tonight rather, I write you concerning your guy, girl can't "just be friends" rule (if 'rule' really describes it). I do understand and I think I agree with your philosophy. Is it always the guys that have feelings? Or are girls allowed to as well? Haha, I mean I'm sure girls do, I know from experience actually, but are you saying it is mostly the guys. Having brothers, I would imagine that if there were no feelings on the guys end he would just get bored with the relationship and move on... am I correct in this?

I had a friend (or person I knew...not really sure what to call him now) He and I never spent time together outside of work but we had a lot of talks while at work. He was 5 years older than I and it made him uncomfortable to be seen hanging out with someone that young, so we never did anything. I'm wondering if I was just his safety net... I hope not, but I'm a thinkin' so. At work he and I talked constantly, and I mean constantly. Pretty much every time I went out on the floor, he came with just to talk, and if he didn't we resumed our conversation when I came back in. I feel like he took confidence in me and I in him. We could talk to each other, he told me things that not many others knew and visa versa. He really valued my opinion too... there was a time I walked in on a conversation he was having with a co-worker and promptly left when I didn't want to contribute. He came and got me, tell me he wanted to know what I thought.

I asked him one day if he found me attractive (please don't ask me why I asked him that, I was younger then.. that is my excuse). It completely caught him off guard; he made up some random chore for the other person in the room to do so we could be alone. He proceeded to tell me why I was attractive and then asked why I wanted to know.

Not sure what my answer was...

There was also another time when he and another co-worker were discussing a certain hair color on girls. I happen to have the color of hair they were discussing, and was sitting right there as they discussed this. They said something along the lines of, "they are either hot or not... end of story" I was just like "Uh dude, I'm sitting right here!"

They ignored that, so I said "So where do I fit in?" He just said, "we've already discussed what I think about your appearance." haha! I laughed so hard, you're probably not... I guess you had to be there.

So I guess my question is, how do you know if they have feelings other than friendship? I know they spend time with you, but what if it seems like there is something there... but you're not sure? Like in my case, there were no feelings on my side... but what about his? Was I just his safety? Or Just someone to talk to?

Thanks!

~Wonder Woman:)


Dear Wonder,

This is the core of the Guy-Girl Friends thing, and it’s why most girls don’t get it.

Girls can be “friends” with a guy for decades with no ulterior motives, no spark of attraction, and never think anything about it.

Not guys.

Chatting at work or Church can be one thing; spending “friendship” time together is another. A guy can shoot the breeze at work simply to be nice or pass the time, but he’s not going to “hang out” at a girl’s apartment making cookies and listening to her stories if he’s not attracted to her on some level.

Even if he’s flirting, which your Work Buddy was doing (although perhaps not well), unless there’s an extracurricular time investment it may be meaningless.

Now in your particular situation I believe you presented quite a dilemma for this man. He clearly found you, as my boys say, “not painful to look at”, but felt the age difference made anything more than a work relationship inappropriate. And I think he was right. He should be commended for his discipline and integrity.

It’s not that you were his safety net. It’s that the inappropriateness scared him.

Smart man.

You were “Coworkers”; that’s the appropriate label. Flirty Coworkers, sure; Coworkers who both wondered “what if”, undoubtedly, but nothing more.

And, in answer to your question, Yes, girls can have the same trouble keeping an association on a “friendship only” level; it’s just that with Men (notice I haven’t said “boys”) it’s ALWAYS an issue.

I have many associations with females. Work, school, Church, etc, but I don’t “hang out” with any of them. We chat in public places, but I don’t invite them to lunch. I care for them as a Brother in Christ, but Sister Jo is the only girl I date.

- Bro Jo