Do I Do?

Dear Bro Jo,

What a great column for us teenagers and I’m sure parents as well. I have found so much solace in your advice to others who seem to be in the same situation as myself.

I’m not writing because I necessarily see this as a problem, I’m writing for advice. I’m an 18 year old girl, member of the church. I’ve dated many boys, some LDS, some not, and I most definitely see the difference. I want to date members so they can be prepared to take me to the temple if our relationship progresses to that.

I met a boy online through a Mormon networking site. It was completely safe, in the manner which my family and I handled the meeting up. (My sister also met her husband online.) We’ve known each other for a year, but recently started talking about marriage about a month or so ago. I have confided in Heavenly Father the feelings of my heart. I received an answer that these feelings are true and right. This boy has done the same and received the same answer. I have not, however, gotten an answer concerning our questions of marriage or a serious relationship, for that matter. Perhaps it’s too early to be wondering about these things?

I have a year of high school left. Here’s the big kicker that gets everyone. He is 22. Almost exactly 4 years older than me. He also lives 2000 miles away in another state.

We talk about marriage constantly and feel it is the right path for our relationship. He has let me know that I can date other guys, since I’m still young, and he does not want to take my teenage years away from me. I want to be with only him, though.

My parents and I have talked it over and they feel that when the time comes to graduate high school, I will know the right thing to do. I know this, as well, and so does the boy.

He is a new convert to the church. He will be a member for one year in December. I played a role in his conversion of answering questions for him and confirming my beliefs. He cannot go on a mission because of family issues. I always dreamed of marrying a returned missionary, a member his whole life, with a strong LDS family. It’s strange not having what I dreamed of, yet

I feel this is right.

What are some steps I need to take to make positive this is the right path for my life? Am I so in love that I can’t help but think of these things or is it really the right thing for me? He wants to propose as soon as he can, he just doesn’t want to scare my parents off.

-Love Struck


Dear Struck,

I think you're doing all of the things I'd recommend, but I also think your inability to see the problems here are clear indication that a) there are, and b) you're not ready to be engaged.

1) Keep dating other guys. Go to Homecoming. Go to prom. Go to Church Dances. Don't act like you're engaged or married. You're still at "Casual Group Dating" age, so be that.

2) No unsupervised visits. I know it may sound ridiculous, to suggest that the two of you should be chaperoned, but you should. If you are on the path towards marriage then Satan will work very hard to keep you from being Temple Worthy. Add to that the temptations that come from being so far apart for so long . . . well . . . I think you understand what I'm saying.

3) Keep talking to him about the Church, specifically standing up for his beliefs. A 22-year old man should be able to make his own decisions about whether or not to go on a mission. Honor your parents, but put God first. Realize that if they're the reason he won't go on a mission (which, to be honest, I don't think is the whole story) then how is he ever going to tell them that he's getting married in the Temple and they can't go unless they become Temple Recommend holding members?

4) Whether it worked out for your Sister or not, remember that the internet is a shield; we don't really get to know people via technology. We get to know them in person. So take it slow. I don't think you should accept a proposal until you've graduated. In fact, generally speaking, I think couples in your situation (age, schooling, Church experience) need to do some traditional dating before discussing marriage. After you graduate the two of you should live much closer (he's 22, let him move near your parents home), go on three months of regular dating before a proposal is proffered or accepted. Proximity can reveal many things.

Keep me posted,

- Bro Jo