Dear Brother Jo,
First of all I would like to say THANK YOU (times 10) for helping me, although not directly, it really does help :) Secondly, I need help with two things. One is dating and the other is friendship.
Okay so I'm starting with the dating. There is this guy in my ward (My friends call him He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named because of my Harry Potter obsession and the fact a lot of people in my ward go to my school) he just turned 17. He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is really very sweet and funny...when we're together! Our ward, however awesome, is not a firm believer in "combined Youth activities" we have about....6 (including Youth Conference and when we all get together to plan/pack for Youth Conference).
But when I do talk to him, like on Facebook, he just makes me smile. And yes I know this is incredibly cheesy but he makes my day when I talk to him. And our personalities really match, I guess. I'm spazzy and like to be with friends and laugh and all that fun stuff whereas he's a teeny bit more...chill than I am. Even when we have those rare Youth Activities and we're in his best friends' moms' SUV and I'm in the middle row and he's in the back we're always talking. But then, when we're hiking or something, and I could be right there next to him, I'm with a girl in my ward who is really clingy and a bit heavier. Everyone else just books it and I am walking with her. I love her to death but I wish she just didn't have to stop every five steps (yes I counted).
But how could I get him to notice me? I've liked him for like a year and I can't figure out WHAT would help.
Okay, on with the friendship thing.
So I have this best friend and we're like sisters...well were. Then she got a boyfriend. Her boyfriend used to be nice and everything but he's changed her. She dyed her hair black (she used to have gorgeous red hair that everyone was jealous of), she spends every moment of her time with him, and he controls every aspect of everything she does. Once for our 9th grade Formal (Its the Prom of our junior high) we got our hair done together. Her hair took 3 - count 'em THREE - hours to do and her make up took about 45 minutes. We looked fantastic. But then she walks into the restaurant where I was with other friends she walked in and her hair was NATURAL and she had almost no make up on.
My guy-friend and I were livid. Also, a scary thing is at lunch yesterday, her boyfriend and her were sitting next to me and she had two cookies and a can of soda along with her lunch and when she took a bite of her cookie he pinched the fat at her waist and then she stopped eating. I'm worried about my friend. But I know if I have an intervention then she will hate me. I'm just worried that if it goes any farther my friend will be in serious trouble like having a baby or something. But whenever I say anything bad about him, my friend hits me. In fact, she really isn't my best friend at all anymore.
She puts me down and is one of the main reasons I have no self confidence. I am somewhat pretty. My friend is too but always has guys hanging on her. I've had a grand total of 2 guys who liked me. Also she calls me ugly and fat and stupid. I mean I'm not the smallest girl out there but I've lost SERIOUS weight over the last few months. I used to be a very large size jean and now I can fit into a much smaller size quite comfortably. But I think if I stop being friends with this girl then if anything like that ever happens then I'll be to blame because I could somehow stop it.
Any advice?
-Super Glue
Dear Glue,
First of all, you're welcome! I hope the archive is easy to use and you can find columns that are both interesting and valuable. (I've also just added a Google Search to the column - that should help you lookup and find specific things you're curious about.) If you haven't yet, go through our Facebook Fan Page as well. We have open Discussion Pages where you can trade opinions with me and many of our 10K readers from around the world on the hottest topics. You can get there by clicking HERE. It's free!
Now, as I read your letter I noticed a few more things to comment on than two . . . hope you don't mind.
As you might imagine I'm a big proponent of Combined Activities. I don't know that I've every listed my recommendations, so here they are (feel free to share with your leaders and class/quorum presidencies.
Bro Jo's YM/YW Combined Activity Recommendations
Stake / Multi-Stake Dances - 4-12 times per year. At least once a quarter (I like Semi-formal Christmas-time, Valentines Day, Start of Summer, Start of School, and Halloween/Barn Dances). Some Stakes have had a lot of success with Dances every month, more power to them, I say. but I think there should be the occasional semi-formal and theme dance.
Multi-Stake Youth Conferences - one per year. Should be mid-late summer in my opinion. Two days, preferably Friday and Saturday. Rotate which Stake is in charge. And there should be a dance on one of the evenings, so I typically say 14 and up.
Etiquette Dinner - once a year. The Teacher's Quorum Duty to God Book (which is about to be replaced / updated / combined) has hosting an Etiquette Dinner as fulfilling a requirement (bet many of you didn't know that). It should have a theme, be semi-formal, a multi-course meal, and include ALL of the YM/YW (12 and up). Start with a lesson on proper etiquette taught by a knowledgeable and well-liked adult (the older the better), and have each YM escort a girl (taking him by the arm) to the room where the dinner will be served. The food can follow a theme (BBQ, Oriental, 5-Course, anything!) and you can ask every auxiliary in your Ward or Branch to help out. Invite another Ward or some friends especially if your numbers are lopsided or few.
Combined Mutual. All of the kids in your ward should get together at least once a month on Mutual night, IMHO. Additionally I think the Priests and Laurels should combine on another of the nights.
S-Days. In our Stake (and many others, I know) get's together with another Stake in the spring for scripture mastery games, a dance, and a fireside / testimony meeting. I know that as a Seminary Teacher I'm a bit biased here, but I think these are great!
We've got to learn how to socialize with the opposite sex if we're ever going to get married in the Temple. Dances and Combined Activities go a long way towards making that happen.
As for Tom Riddle . . . I think it's great that you have a little crush going, but you've GOT to obsess less. At the very least you're going to scare him away. Trust me, the dude notices you. All of the talking backs that up. If what you mean by "notices you" is that you want him to be more than an occasional Casual Group Date and Flirt Friend, then you should forget that right now. Neither of you is in a place in your lives where you should have a relationship. He sounds like a nice guy, but you're beginning to want to blow off other people (like your non-hiker friend) simply to get more face time with him. That's not good.
It's turning you into the former-BFF that you're struggling with. Can you see that?
You have to ask yourself how good of a friend are you?
You're right, if you tell her your honest opinion she'll likely cast you off for him. It's a shame that she's wrapped so much of her personal self worth around his affection, attention and opinion . . . but you're not going to make her feel better about herself by telling her what an idiot she is for what she's doing.
Unless she asks.
But even if she does, offer your opinion in a careful and loving way. Express concern at the same time you're telling her how wonderful she is and that "he seems like a nice guy, but I miss the old you".
What you shouldn't wait to tell her is how the name calling makes you feel. Pray for the Spirit to help you know the right moment and what to say. You have to stand up for yourself; it's a matter of your own self worth.
The drastic changes in her appearance, the way she allows her Boyfriend to manipulate her, and the things she says to you are all coming from the same place. Be understanding, but don't sit there and take the abuse.
- Bro Jo
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