Dear Bro Jo,
Thank you for the site you do. Many things you say will pop in my head during various situations, and will help me make a good choice. But there is a situation I don't really have an answer for. Im fifteen and a half, and I'm staying away from dating because thats whats right. Even so, when I was fourteen, I met a guy at a dance(15) and was slightly interested in him but he was much more interested in me. He wanted to break some standards of relationships that I didn't. One night though, he called me and told me Heavenly Father had appeared to him and told him to marry me. When he told me that, I got such a sick feeling inside me that it brought me to tears. I didn't believe him at all, but he tried so hard to convince me. Then, he gradually started to ignore me and I've seen him make some mistakes, We don't talk anymore, okay, no problem.
Then when I was 14 and a half I met an 18year old guy in my stake and we became really casual friends. Then he started liking me, and I didn't like him(Your right, guys and girls can't be just friends). Time passed, and he said he loved me. I told him I didn't feel the same at all. He kept pursuing. He went to the temple one day and when he came back, he said that he'd prayed about it and that the Spirit confirmed to him that we were supposed to get married. I told him that I disagreed. Over time he treated me completely unfairly, was exceptionally inappropriately mean and we lost our friendship.
When he came home from BYU a few weeks ago, he showed up at my door and apologized. I had already forgiven him, but I wasn't going to give him my trust for the 100th time just so he could be mean again. I don't want to be friends with him. I told him to not communicate with me, but he sent me a letter. He said he had prayed about it again, just to make sure that he wasn't mistaken, and he received the same answer: that he was supposed to marry me. The guy is leaving on a mission in january, he shouldn't be thinking about this. But he said he will love me and refuse to date anyone until I marry someone else, if that happens, cause he thinks we're destined.
And another!
Same story, casual friends then he(18) kinda liked me, I kinda liked him, he really liked me, I didn't really like him anymore. He told me how he had a lot of dreams of us older and married with our kids and how he thought that he was supposed to be marry me.
I'm fifteen for goodness sakes!
Of course I want a temple marriage, but I don't want to be thinking about exactly who with. I don't need to be thinking about that. I want to serve a mission. I'm just really confused, how can so many people think the Spirit has testified to them to marry me? Obviously that can't happen. I have no desire or feeling to marry any of them.
How do I react when a guy is so sure that Im the answer?
I don't want to mock their "revelations" but it feels SO wrong.
How can I determine for sure the truth on that though? I pray and get an empty blank feeling about it. How can I help them realize..well no?
Thank you,
Way too young
Dear Way,
You're in good company.
Before she married Gordon Hinckley, Sister Marjorie Pay had a guy pull the same garbage, telling her (on their first date, I think) that he had received revelation that they were to be "together forever". Her response (I'm paraphrasing) was that since she hadn't also received that confirmation, then he must be wrong. (I read about this story in Sister Dew's biography of President Hinckley; I'm sure I'm butchering it because I remember the story being quite funny.)
Perhaps you live in the Idiot-Creeper Mormon Boy capital of the world, or perhaps in your area some rumor has spread that this is how you get women . . . (its a never ending source of frustration of mine just how lame so many of my "brothers" are), but you are correct: if the Spirit hasn't confirmed to you that someone is a good match, then its not.
A) That won't happen until you ask, anyway, which you're right, won't be anytime soon.
B) There's no such thing as "only one person for each of us", so the whole premise these boys are spinning is total garbage.
and C) Information Precedes Revelation; before someone asks for Celestial Marriage Selection Confirmation the ought to at least spend some time getting to know the person.
You may not be willing to mock these guys . . . but I would!
I think if I were in your shoes I'd laugh out loud.
But then, like Sister Jo, you're probably much nicer than I am. Instead of laughing, you might be more comfortable with something like "that's very flattering, but before I go to the Lord and ask for myself, I have a lot of life to live; I have some growing up to do, and a lot of guys to date and get to know; years from now, when I'm ready to consider marriage, (I'd add: "should you still be so lame as to still be single that many years from now", but I'm not as nice as you are) that's when we should have this conversation".
If you're uncomfortable telling them "no", then point out to them that you're, as you said, Way Too Young.
- Bro Jo
PS: One last thing: any guy that won't back off when you tell them too is a Big Scary Red Flag. Make sure your parents are in the loop. Not that you can't protect yourself, but obsessive people can do crazy things, there's strength in numbers, and your family are the first people you should add to your posse.
Dear Bro Jo,
Thank you very much, I really appreciate it:) I'll be using this!
- Way
Dear Way,
Anytime!
God bless,
- Bro Jo
6 comments:
I thought I was the only one having having this problem...like seriously, I'm barely 16 and it really freaks me out when a guy does that...haha...thank you SO much!!!!
oh and p.s. it reaaaallly makes me uncomfortable and freak out when he uses the temple as a way to try to convince me we're meant to be together (i.e "I was told in the temple..."). I'm not old enough to go so he acts like that means that I need to trust what he says...I, like this girl, have never felt inspiration regarding him. He leaves on a mission next week for goodness sakes!! Do guys just make this stuff up? Or do they honestly believe it??
I understand that what too young is talking about is certainly the bigger problem, but my experience was more on the other end of the spectrum. There is such a reputation with having revelations about marriage, that when I had prayed and had a confirmation about who I was supposed to marry, I was tremendously hesitant to discuss the experience with my now wife. She was equally concerned. In fact we mostly spoke vaguely. The fact is God does answer prayers. Absolutely both of you need to get the same answer, and these experiences just sound creepy, but if it's something you've been discussing and you receive an answer (especially after you've been dating someone for a while) you should be able to talk about it, it's an important part of growing together, as a couple.
I think that it's important to understand the doctrine of personal revelation. We aren't given revelation at a time that we cannot act on it. A pre-mission young man is not going to receive a valid revelation for something he shouldn't be be acting on. Nor is he going to receive a valid revelation that supercedes the desires of the girl. Unfortunately my sister had to explain that to a guy and explain unrighteous dominion to get him to back off.
I believe in Personal Revelation, but I think we have a serious problem in the Church with members tossing around the phrase all too casually.
And too often.
Mostly inside the Zion Curtain, but I've heard members say that they've received personal revelation that they should skip Church, or that it's okay for their "special child" to play sports on Sunday (or be in a concert) because it's a missionary opportunity.
I could go on . . .
"Revelation" to do something you want that's contrary to the teachings of the Church is NOT from God.
I think the Spirit warns people to drive more safely, call a friend, and remembering prayer.
I DO NOT think the Spirit whispers what your hair color should be, that you should date before you're 16, or that the R-rated movie is okay.
@ Peter - your situation is different. Yes God answers prayers, and yes, when we're at the appropriate moment in our lives we should ask for help about marriage decisions, but there's nothing righteous about a future missionary asking God if the 14-year old girl he has the hots for is someone he'll be together forever with.
And Even If he did receive information along those lines, like you, he should have kept it to himself until the moment was right. The fact that he didn't is proof that A) he's lying, and B) he's trying to set her aside as something he thinks he owns.
- Bro Jo
I'm 18 and an RM told me that I was the love of his, that he thought of me during his mission AND he has prayed to Heavenly Father. I laughed, saying that's ridiculous and illogical. 3 months later, he's engaged to some other girl.
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