Pushing Guys Away

Dear Bro Jo,

So. I have a problem. I'm not exactly sure where to start.

Because of my not-so-good experiences with important males in my life, I lived a long time very bitter against the male species. There was no dating whatsoever; I was extremely shy and insecure around guys. My contempt was so strong that, for a number of years, I would refuse to even have any guy friends-- even just casual ones. I wanted nothing to do with men.

It's been a long process, but I've been able to forgive those males in my past, and my bitterness has dimmed into just a whisper of what it once was. About two years ago, I finally gained some confidence and felt ready to dive into the dating pool. However, those years of my choosing to not associate with males is taking its toll on my dating life.

I'm 21 years old, and I've never ever ever been on a date; nor have I ever been asked on a date. Now, I'm not wallowing in self-pity, but I must admit: it does sting a bit, especially when I see all of my friends dating and getting married and whatnot. More than anything, it's frustrating because I have a hunch that it's 99% my fault.

Whenever there's a guy who I have a connection with, I push them away. We'll talk here and there, but when I begin to sense that there could maybe be a potential for anything beyond casual conversations, I retreat into my shell.

When I see them, I sometimes have a hard time making eye contact because I'm terrified they're judging me or something. I often get kind of mean. Not out rightly, but just really sarcastic (not in a cute way) and... blah. It's like I change into a different person, and I can't seem to stop myself. I've tried just staying silent, but then I think I come off more creepy than anything else. The guy ends up (from my perspective) acting cautious around me and it sometimes seems like they're ignoring me. Conversations cease until... nada. Most of the time, I don't even realize what I've done until it's too late.

Do you think this problem is causing my date-less-ness? I take reasonable pride in my appearance but am fully aware that I am not society's definition of drop-dead gorgeous. I used to just think "It's because I'm ugly", but I know that it has to be something else because of all the guys I've talked to, there’s had to have been at least one who found me attractive enough to ask me on one date. It's statistics. If my pushing them away is the cause, what are your thoughts on how I might go about changing my behavior? What behaviors do I replace it with?

Thanks, Bro Jo! I really enjoy your blog, and hopefully I was able to explain my situation clearly enough to warrant your help.

- Ms. Push



Dear Ms. Push,

Stop pushing.

- Bro Jo



Okay. Seriously. You know the problem. You know the root of the problem. And you know the solution.

All that's left is for you to do that which you know you should do.

Trust yourself.

Also, while we know we need to be open to love, and try our best to be our best and meet new people, often love happens when we stop looking so hard.

- Bro Jo