Things to know

Regularly read by 50,000+ readers in over 140 countries around the world, "Dear Bro Jo" is published several times a month.

This is column is just one guy's opinion, and while he does his best to keep what he thinks, says and writes in-line with the Gospel of Jesus Christ, "Dear Bro Jo" is not an LDS Church website. (And Sister Jo thinks you should know that he's sometimes wrong, and often way too opinionated for his own good.)

Nothing here is meant to take the place of talking with parents, leaders, or Church authorities. Please, if you need serious help, talk to a trusted adult, leader, and / or professional counselor.

Please like our Facebook page, and check it often for Discussions, Notes, Events and just General Good Stuff!

Everything here is copyrighted. If you're going to quote any part of anything here, please get Bro Jo's written permission. You can reach him at

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Wants to Date . . . But Not THAT Guy

Hey Bro Jo,

I know that I had recently complained about not dating enough and that I wanted to date more. To refresh your mind, I am sixteen and will be a senior. However, I have just not found someone that I really would like to go out with. I have been praying about it, and what I found funny is that last night this guy who has been kind of following me, asking me to dance, asking me for my number, etc. called me and asked me out on a date!

The thing is, I am not thrilled to be sucked into this, as I do not like him as anything more than just a simple acquaintance, and I would be uncomfortable going on a date with him.

So when he asked if I was available next Saturday night, I said no, that I didn’t think so, and that the week afterward I would be at Girl's Camp.

I'm hoping to stall this whole thing until he leaves for college in a month and a half, because I would feel soooooo bad if I had to really reject him and say that I really wasn't interested. It won't be too hard, because he's in another stake about half an hour away, but he's got my number and might show up at a couple dances this summer (particularly the one tonight).

He's a nice guy, but not my type, and we have nothing in common.

I promised myself a while ago that I would not do any pity dates, or go on dates with guys just because I felt bad.

As a girl, I have the freedom and power to say no to a date, right? I feel bad, but I would rather carry some guilt than actually go on a date with him.

And yeah, I probably sound really stuck up and selfish, especially because I want to date more, but this isn't what I had in mind.


Dear Guilty,

Yeah, as a girl you have the freedom to say "no", and you should never go out with anyone you find dangerous, or break other commitments just to go on a date, but you've got this whole Casual Group Dating thing wrong. At your age dating is not about finding a boyfriend or only going out with guys you're interested in; it's about practicing social skills and having a fun time with good and nice people.

As long as he follows the Dating Rules and it's a Casual Group Date and you don't feel unsafe . . . if he's willing to Plan, Pick up, Pay, and Play by the rules you should go out with any guy that asks.

Wanting to spend time with your family, or already having plans, particularly with Girls Camp coming up . . . well that's one thing, but let's be honest: you said "no" because you don't find him attractive, not because he's a bad or creepy guy or because you really had plans.

To turn a nice guy down, especially after you whined about not going out enough, after PRAYING that a nice guy would ask you out, and then to wonder how to avoid him all summer in case he has a thing for you . . . I say this with love, but . . . shame on you.

- Bro Jo


Peter and Molly said...

I was once in a 5th Sunday meeting in a single's ward. The bishop, who was teaching asked how many of the guys had been turned down for a date. Probably 80% raised their hand. He then asked the girls how many of them had turned guys down for dates. No one raised their hands. It's because nice girls like "Guilty" convince themselves they can get out of the date without ever saying no, and that somehow this boy is too stupid to figure out he got rejected. He's not, and if you aren't going to go out with him, tell him so.

Jdawg, aka "Der Schwarzhund" said...

And we wonder why girls aren't getting married. Here's some inside info for the girls: When I was at Singles Ward, The guys do talk about y'all; when one girl repeatedly turns down first dates for no good reason, the guys will stop asking her.

Mama Cheese said...

"Guilty" seems to have confused Casual Group Dating with...engagement or marriage. If a good guy asks her out on a Casual Group Date, she should go; it's not any kind of Serious Commitment! One can (and should) be having fun with many, many different types of people during this phase of life.

Plus, maybe Guilty doesn't understand the Multiplication Principle (a dating principle that my own mother taught me, and that eventually I'll get a blog post written about.) In a nutshell, though, the more dates a girl accepts and goes on with a wide variety of people, the more she will be asked out. So even from a purely selfish perspective, going out with Nice Guy Who Asked is just a small step towards expanding her overall dating pool.

Go, dear Sister! Have fun, and make sure Nice Guy has an enjoyable time too! It's win-win!