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Monday, October 1, 2012

Guys and the Remote Control

Dear Bro Jo,

 Hi, I just have a quick question about how to know the difference between being pushy and being encouraging...

I never know where the line is and I often worry too much about crossing it.

 I met what seemed like a nice cute guy at an institute activity about a week and a half ago, we danced a few times, talked well (although we both seemed a little nervous) and at the end of our dance he asked for my number which I gave happily... so far, so good.

However, I have not heard from him at all since, not a text or a phone call or anything.

A couple of days ago I added him as a fb friend (it feels so childish to even say that haha, but lets face it, that has become part of the dating world) anyway, he accepted the request within and hour, so that was encouraging, and I was hopeful that it would give him a little reminder that he has my number, and he should use it.

What I am trying to figure out now is if I should send him a message with a little encouragement, or just let him call if he wants to... I am not trying to push anything because I don't even know if I like the guy yet (we haven't even been on a date) but I would like to find out.

 I am asking about this particular situation, but also just in general, when does a girl go from being encouraging and showing her interest, to being pushy and scaring the guy away?


- B

(PS: I love hearing your advice for us girls not to call the guys

I have been told by many people that "maybe I should just ask the guys out" but I am old fashioned, and believe (along with the that it is the guys responsibility to initiate these things. But I also hear from my guy friends that they would like it if a girl asked them out, it annoys me when they say that haha)

 Dear B,

What you're asking about is a fine line.

Use your friends. That's what they're for.

(And they should know they can use you, too.)

Have a mutual friend go up to him and say "so, what's your deal? You asked my friend for her phone number but never called. Are you not smart enough to ask her out?"

See that way he gets the message and you can be nonchalant.

I'm all for learning the Gospel, but once in a while I think YSA Relief Societies need to meet and do some plotting on how to help each other with the clueless boys meeting down the hall.

Imagine sisters setting each other up on dates - now that's service!

Oh, and since I probably can't say it enough, the same thing that makes guys want girls to ask them out is the same thing that makes guys like TV remotes: we can be lazy by nature, and love the idea of getting what we want without any effort.

What girls need to understand is that guys never take the remote out to a nice dinner; they leave it on the sofa to sit there, pretty much forgetting about it until the next time they feel like using it; and when they're out to dinner with a girl that required them to make some effort, then give no thought to the remote at home; heck, they don't even know exactly where they left it.

- Bro Jo

 Dear Bro Jo,

Thanks for the advice!

I decided to send him a message and just say 'hey is was good to meet you the other day, thanks for the dances' but I didn't get a reply and left it at that.

I pretty much gave up on it and figured he had just decided he wasn't interested or whatever. However, he called tonight!

We are going out on Wednesday, so I am excited to see how things go!

Although I am sure I will be put in the position where I am worried about that line again, and probably soon, with him or another guy.

I would love to plot and set up members of my ward!

Unfortunately most of the guys in my ward are very picky (or they seem picky). They want 18 year old barbies (young, skinny, blond, certain height, etc...) who ask them out.

Plus I am pretty sure there is something wrong with those boys, they are much more interested in spending quality time with each other rather than any girl, it scares me a little bit . . .

I love the remote analogy!

I wish that more people felt that way.

But the idea that it is the guys who should do the asking has sadly become "old fashioned".


-  B

Dear B,

The boys in your ward aren't picky; they're lazy, cowardly and dumb.

And the Sisters in your ward are letting them get away with it by "hanging out" and mothering them.

Men ask women out. Boys do not.

Women are interested in Men, not boys.

That's an eternal idea that will never become "old fashioned" (what a cop out), or go out of style.

Hope you have fun on your date!

Remember that it's just a first date; don't read too much into it or expect too much. Insist that this man treat you with the respect that a Daughter of God deserves. (That includes making him open all of your doors.)

- Bro Jo


Minxy said...

Thank you so much for this letter and your replies. I have had the same questions about what to do next.

It has helped me realise that I need to make my presence felt, so that he doesn't forget about me, because really, I'm pretty darn awesome!

Thank you for giving me the extra encouragement to keep making an effort.

Dave Johnston said...

@ Minxy -

It's not that YOU need to make an extra effort; you need to get HIM to make an extra effort.

Very important distinction.

- Bro Jo

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for this letter and replies. Guys in my ward are very similar to this. Unfortunately they also have the excuse that we all grew up together so it's 'weird' to date. Every time a girl, whether it is me or someone else is interested in them. They just blow them off. But the are perfectly fine to pick me up froms chool and take me out for lunch if a buddy is there or it has no premise of being a date. There are a whole lots of options here either. So I'm just trying to go with the flow and relax about it. I like the analogy a lot though. It's good to remember that it isn't always me and at the same time to know that there are certain things that I shouldn't let them get away with.

Anonymous said...

Let's say I met a guy briefly at and institute class when the teacher asked us to discuss something.

How do I get to know him better at future institute classes without being creepy or pushy or weird about it.

Dave Johnston said...

When you see him, you smile briefly and look away.

When you pass by him, say hello.

Once in a while you talk to him . . . and that means that you ask sincere and thoughtful questions and LISTEN for the answers.

Play a little coy, but don't be aloof.

And, if you really want to be covert, become friends with his friends.

Good luck!

- Bro Jo

Anonymous said...

Is it wrong to be "getting to know" more than one guy at once? Or is it best to see if he gets the hint than move on to somebody else?

Bro Jo said...

Unless one is in a Serious Committed Relationship, one should be "getting to know" everyone they can.

- Bro Jo