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Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Keeping the Girl - Part 1: Overcoming Being Separated Long Distance for the Summer

Dear Bro Jo,

Hi there.

So I took out this girl that I met online (through an LDS dating site, I can't imagine trying to navigate through a normal one) and it went incredibly well.

I may not be reading signals well, but I think we're both into each other, but the problem is I'll be leaving town for the summer to do a sales job. I'm not a big fan of long distance relationships, but I'd be willing to do anything for this girl.

However, I don't know if this is a fair thing to ask of a girl you have only taken out 3 times, or if it’s even a good idea to begin with.

Should I just ask her to keep her options open for the next few months, or what?

-Bound for a Summer in Nevada



Dear Nevada,

I've got to tell you, it sounds more like rather than you do anything for her, you want her to do something for you . . . and I'm not certain that three dates is far enough in to be asking a marrying-age girl to "keep her options open".

I mean, what does that mean?

Are you okay with her dating other guys (likely kissing them) while you're gone for the summer with the hope that she won't accept any marriage proposals while you're gone?

Or are you offering that the two of you put dating on hold for 3-4 months while you're away?

What is it You're willing to do for Her?

What value is there in this proposal for her?

Are you worth waiting for?

After three dates do you feel like you've established something?

Just how strong are your feelings?

Is it just that you can't believe your own good fortune, and you fear someone is going to figure out what you've discovered, which is how gosh-darned wonderful she is?

Or are you just thinking that it would be nice to keep this one in reserve, just in case you don't meet someone better while you're away?

Do you see where I'm going with all this, my brother?

Asking her to "wait" isn't you doing anything for her; it's you asking her to do something for you . . . and those are two very different things.  (Which is why, by the way, I've always said guys who ask girls to "wait" while they go on a mission is both selfish and cowardly.)

Now, that is not to say that you shouldn't ask.

I had a girlfriend move away once - it was the worst six weeks of my life. She finally agreed to move back home . . . and a short while later I married her.

Best decision I ever made.

You can ask.

You can tell her how you feel about her (and you probably should), but you may want to wait until you're a few more dates into this relationship.

Ask yourself the questions I listed above.

If this is someone you don't want to lose, and if you hadn't made the job commitment or needed the money so bad you'd stay, then that's something.

The Church runneth over with Good Single Sisters, but as I suspect you know, once you find one who might possibly be willing to spend eternity with you, you don't want to let her get away.

So . . . all of that said, if I were in your shoes, I'd date her every chance I got between here and summer, then a week before I left , if I still wasn't certain about where we stood, and if the thought of not spending forever with her was gut-wrenching, if the idea that you may lose her forever makes you lose sleep, I'd definitely tell her how I felt, tell her how much I love and need her, tell her that I hate the idea of being away for the summer, and then beg her to be true as I promised the same.

Good luck,

- Bro Jo

1 comment:

Raye said...

Thank You for this advice. I am in the opposite situation. I am a girl who recently started dating a wonderful RM. I will be leaving for college in September. So we will still have sometime together. Though it still hurts a little that I will be leaving. Thank you for your advice about how to determine if you should wait for them or not. It helps.