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Monday, March 11, 2013

She and Her Boyfriend Are Getting Too Physical - Part 2

Dear Bro Jo,

I'm sorry He is 23 and turning 24 later on in the year.  He's a return missionary from 2 years previous and he talks highly about it and told me he was happiest when he was on his mission.

We have been dating (exclusively) for just over a month now.

He had morality issues with his last girlfriend (he was depressed which lead to trying to satisfy himself in other ways).

He realized that that relationship was not good for him and cut it off even though that was extremely difficult because of the lust.

He never loved her.

Therefore he is struggling spiritually because the sin took its toll.

He wants to be better and he knows I'm a good girl and suggests trips to the temple regularly just to remind us to be worthy but sometimes I feel like its a huge feat for him to do other spiritual things like read the scriptures.

I've seen his scriptures and they are heavily marked and studied so I don't understand why.

We have had moral issues as well and I know it takes two to tango but I was so naive I want to be happier with him and have a wonderful amazing relationship and feel the love of my Savior and have the knowledge that I am doing good, especially helping him to become the best he can be and the best we can be together.

I love him and we say that to each other regularly, we can talk and communicate well and he shows me his love.

Is that better?

I'm sorry it was so vague

- Wants

 Dear Wants,

I understand the embarrassment factor, and that vagueness can bring some comfort.

Rest assured that if I ever post this letter it will be a long time from now (at least several months) and I'll keep it generic enough to ensure your anonymity.

Forgive me for being blunt, but part of that is my style, and part of what you and your boyfriend are dealing with is this "shadow behavior"; keeping things hidden adds to the problem; it doesn't make it better.

So let's be clear, here: your boyfriend has a problem with masturbation (and likely pornography) which he says started AFTER his mission because he was dating some really attractive girl that he didn't love but couldn't stop lusting after.

They fooled around, and he tried to . . . well . . . take matters into his own hands, thinking that would help him control the situation.

They broke up.

Then he started dating you (you still haven't said how long ago - which is important, by the way) and things have gotten "out of control" again.

You're confused because, well, you like it, and you feel like you're "helping him out" a little, but you also feel guilty and sinful.

Basically, the two of you "love each other", but your Temple Worthiness is in jeopardy (I'm assuming that means you're having sex), and you're not sure how to stay on track.

Or, rather, get back on track.

You really love this guy, in fact you're hoping marriage is in your future, and you're thinking that if he'll stop . . . you know . . . and the two of you can put the physical things on ice for a while, then everything will be okay.

Do I have it right?

- Bro Jo

1 comment:

Beth said...

Oh I've been here.
It didn't work out.
And for most cases, it doesn't. Sure, there are plenty that do... but in the long term? You're putting cracks in your relationship foundation before you even start to build on it (meaning, making commitments/covenants with the two of you AND God). Unless you break it off and both of you completely repent, let the atonement erase the cracks... ENTIRELY... AND the bad habits, then it might work. But usually it doesn't.

I'm so glad it didn't work out for me. I wasn't glad at the time, but boy have the blessings been overflowing since the day I moved on, despite the hurt and sorrow.

I'll be interested to see where this goes.