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Monday, March 18, 2013

She and Her Boyfriend Are Getting Too Physical - Part 3

Dear Bro Jo,

Yes you have the correct understanding although I will iron out details.

No we are not having sex, yes we have fooled around and both feel extremely terrible about it. Seen bishop and are rectifying the problem. We have talked about marriage and in the Temple.

We both don't want to settle for anything less. We want it to be to each other but understand that our relationship is early (a month and a half) and it is hard to tell but we are still determined to be Temple worthy and be sealed (even if it is not to each other).

We talk all the time about doing better but make silly mistakes like staying out to late and seem to always end up in situations where Satan has too much leeway (each other’s apartments at night, everyone leaves and we are alone) There was no problem until we kiss passionately.

Our relationship was wonderful before too much tongue was involved and it all escalated from there.

I don't want to compromise my standards and he doesn't want me to either but it is so hard when we give Satan too much rope to pull on.

We try and we fail, we start off with leaps and bounds all hopeful and then something happens (it has only happened a couple of times but its a couple of times to many for my liking). I want to know a way that can help us and things we can do to draw nearer to the Savior.

I know that the only way we can have a relationship that is beautiful is by doing that, we both want it. You are inspired and thank you for understanding

- Wants

Dear Wants,

As you might imagine, I get TONS of emails, and the details can help me (hopefully) tell people what the Lord would have them know. When it's right, it's Him; when it's wrong, it's me.

The newness of your relationship mixed with your challenges is quite telling, I think.

Look, you're both adults. You know what the temptation triggers are (you actually articulated them quite well), and given that knowledge you should be able to avoid certain situations.

The thing is, despite everything you've written, you don't want to.

Or, to be specific, at least one of you doesn't want to.

And, frankly, I think it's him. I think he's been down this road before, and knows exactly what he's doing. 

Look at how you phrase it: YOU don't want to compromise YOUR standards, and he SAYS he doesn't want you to either.

He doesn't say anything about HIS standards.

All he's saying is "I don't wan't you to do anything that would make you uncomfortable"; which, so you know, is guy for "but I sure wish you'd get comfortable with this!"

Look, the time to decide that you're not going to make out on the sofa isn't when you suddenly find yourselves alone together; it's before you even go over to each other's apartments.

You know that.

He knows that.

So if you truly want to stay morally straight, stop putting yourselves in situations where you KNOW that things could maybe go wrong.

You're a smart girl; make a list. An extensive list, with specifics.

A "Can't go here, Can't do this" list.

If the Temple really is your goal, and if it's really his goal, then you absolutely must stick to the list. No exceptions. You may even have to add a few things to it.

If you can't act like adults and control your lusts, then the only other solution is to break up. And I'm going to be real honest with you here: cutting out the physical stuff is going to be a real test of your "love" for each other.

Frankly, once he finds out that aspect is over he may end it. I hope not. But he wouldn't be the first guy that pretended he felt something more than he does so he can . . . touch more than he should.

So cut out the physical stuff.  He may end the relationship, but at least then you'll know.

And hopefully he'll agree to keep things more . . . "clean", and stay out of your apartment. If he does, and if you two find that you still have a great time together and love being together then you'll know; then you'll know that he just may be a good eternal companion for you.

If that's the case, and you both pass all of the other criteria, and you do get Sealed for Time and All Eternity, then I say have fun swapping spit and putting your hands all over each other.

But remember this: no man will ever love a woman he doesn't respect, and you can't respect someone that doesn't respect themselves.

 - Bro Jo

Dear Bro Jo,

There are no words to describe just how thankful I am.

It will be difficult, but I can do it.

God bless,

- Wants

Dear Wants,

Yes, you can.

Back at ya,

- Bro Jo

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