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Friday, March 15, 2013

Hanging Out - Revisted

[Readers, 

I received the comment below on a post from 2010, "Hanging Out Defined".  Thought you might have missed it, so I'm sharing it here.

Cheers!

- Bro Jo]




Dear Bro Jo,

What do you think of "hanging out" with guys in groups if you don't want them to ask you out? If a girl doesn't like these guys that way they've become "buds" then is it ok to "hang out" with these guys often say going to movies, games nights etc?

 - Anonymous




Dear Anon,

It may depend on how old you are . . . there's a big difference between friend groups at 14 and 24 . . .

But for the sake of the point I'll respond as if you're a marrying-age adult. I think you may be surrounded by a bunch of guys who want to date you.

You think you've firmly stuck them in the Friend Zone, and they're hoping for something more.

Unless their dumb.

I suppose that's a possibility . . .

Is there something "un-datable" about you?

Something that would make them say: "She's a ton of fun! I love spending time with her! She's sweet, smart and easy to talk to. I love Hanging Out with her . . . but I never want to date her!"

I also think it's possible that you're all either afraid . . . or wasting each other's time.

Look, I think spending time with friends is great! I see nothing wrong with the occasional party or get-together . . . after all, there's not a better way to meet a new potential love interest!

But if the Hang Out is the end and all of your social time . . . like I said at the end of the post: it's time to make a change.

- Bro Jo

16 comments:

Anonymous said...

As a guy, I hang out with girls to learn things about them in a better setting than in a date. It's common for people to not be themselves during dates as they are in more casual settings. And, being a guy that most girls he's interested in become stupid towards him after a first date, I don't get many chances to know girls better outside of a first date if I don't hang out with them. Of course, I'm at BYU where there's lots of competition from other guys and I hate competing. My suggestion: hang out with the opposite gender in order to get to know them better in a more comfortable setting, but make sure you go on dates. Oh and be happy.

Dave Johnston said...

The whole point of a date is to get to know someone better.

Dates can, and should, be casual. Especially at the beginning.

Talking to people at Church, between classes, or Group Activities (especially Service Projects) is not "hanging out".

Loafing around each other's apartments is.

- Bro Jo

Anonymous said...

True, but just the fact that the word "date" is used to describe the event makes people tense up in a way that hanging out does not, as if they must behave in a different way because it's a date. Some people feel a date as if it were a test: despite how "casual" the activity seems to be, it's still a time in which their worth is being evaluated by someone of the opposite gender...as if that first date is their chance to show the evaluator that they're worth getting to know. After that, when a girl creates stupid excuses for not going on a second date (or in a girl's case, when a guy never requests a second date), then you can't help but wonder what it was about you that the other person didn't like and you wonder that even more when that's the same pattern you see for years of the same thing. You go on another first date, it doesn't lead to a second date with that person, and you can't help but wonder what went wrong there and what has gone wrong in those other past experiences. If dating is supposed to be so "get to know you better/casual", then people should be given more than just one date. A 'real chance' would be 2-3 dates. If a girl didn't want to date me after that, then at least I felt that she gave me a few tries to show her how I am, as opposed to just that one automatic first date with nothing beyond that.

Dave Johnston said...

Sounds to me like you're dating the wrong women.

- Bro Jo

Anonymous said...

Every time I've had that happen, it's always with a BYU girl. I guess that maybe girls from BYU just aren't for me, as it happens with them time and time again. I'll try more with girls from UVU or from Salt Lake County. I just want to say though that the problem I mentioned above is something that many other guys go through at BYU too and it makes us get down on ourselves. The more guys the girl has asking her out, the pickier she becomes and it gets to the point where she doesn't give out second dates to many guys. I guess it's because guys tend to swarm over the cuter girls, but I guess we just go for the ones we fin attractive...? There are many girls out there that never get asked out. They say they're cute themselves, and other girls say they're cute, but I guess they're just not girls that guys find cute and that's why they don't get asked out. Sometimes I think it would be nice for the 'cute girls who never get asked out' to spend more time in places where they can be approached by guys and have a sign that says that they want to be asked out on dates.

Dave Johnston said...

"there are many girls out there that never get asked out" . . . aye, laddie, I think you're getting it . . .

until you become good at it (I call that "married") dating is a lot of hard work

and it's worth it

- Bro Jo

Anonymous said...

Why does it seem that it's the guy that carries the load for all of the work? What kind of work are the guys responsible for? And what kind of work are the girls responsible for?

Dave Johnston said...

it only seems that way when we guys are whiny and unappreciative.

- Bro Jo

Mel said...

You say above that first dates should be casual. But i remember reading a post

Friday, February 17, 2012
There's No Such Thing as a "Casual SINGLE Date"

saying the opposite.

Anonymous said...

Out of curiosity what would list as the the responsibility of us girls?

Dave Johnston said...

Not the opposite, Mel; two different contexts.

One is in reference to attitude, the other to atmosphere.

Casual, as in "Casual Group Dating", means "not as Boyfriend and Girlfriend".

Casual, as in "Young Single Adults should keep first dates casual", means that a great first date should be relaxed and fun and informal; two people getting to know each other better without putting too much importance on the event. It's just a first date, after all.

Along those lines, "Serious Single Dating" means to stop hanging out, loafing at each other's apartments; it means to Grow Up and actively (tough not aggressively or being too formal) look for someone to spend Time and All Eternity with.

I seriously think some of y'all take this way to seriously, and the rest of you not seriously enough.

- Bro Jo

Anonymous said...

I'm curious about what would be "undatable"

Dave Johnston said...

Me too!

- Bro Jo

Anonymous said...

http://www.modernmormonmen.com/2013/05/the-infantilisation-of-young-single.html

What do you think of this, Bro Jo?

Dave Johnston said...

I've been saying this for a long time.

This article describes a cute, albeit very Utah Mormon, Casual Group Date appropriate for High Schoolers; once one Grows Up and becomes an Adult, then it's time for Serious Single Dating.

- Bro Jo

Anonymous said...

Undatable could be that every guy you ever seem to have an interest in puts you in the "friend zone". Then you feel like something must be wrong with you if these great guys aren't interested.