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Friday, March 29, 2013

The 90-10 Rule - The Who Gets Asked Out One, Not the Proximity for Kissing One

Dear Bro Jo,

I'm sure you've heard of the 90-10 rule at BYU/BYU-I . . .

That is 90% of the guys seem to go for the same 10% of the girls.

Do you think this is true at all, and if so what is your recommendation for the 90%?

Why I ask:  as a sophomore at BYU, it seems pretty accurate to me.

One of my roommates is in the 10% and the rest of us can't seem to get a guy to ask us out to save our lives.

I know a lot of it has to do with being approachable and friendly and having a good attitude . . . but it seems like there must be something else there!

At the beginning of the semester I was doing everything I could imagine to get dates. I was social, talked to as many different boys as I could, had good, meaningful conversations with them, made friends, smiled a lot, had a good attitude, went to ward activities, invited boys apartments over for game nights, you name it.

And after all that I only managed to get one date the first week of school.

Most of the guys I got to be friends with at the beginning of the semester have girlfriends now, which means they're not particularly useful as potential dates or "guy friends."

I'm happy for them, but it's frustrating for me because not only do I not know very many date-able people anymore, I feel like I'm constantly having to make new friends.

The constant turnover of friends is hard. It takes a lot of energy to be social and really put yourself out there.

I feel like all the work I put into making myself date-able at the beginning of the semester went to waste and now I have to start from scratch.

It's frustrating, and frankly lately I have trouble finding the motivation to start over again.

I'm exhausted.

So what does one do when all conventional wisdom has failed them?


Waiting for Prince Charming

Dear Waiting,

I've heard about the 90-10 rule, but while I've never gone to the Y or Y of I (I did go back to school at LDS Business College, but that was after I was married and had kids), I've got to say that I don't believe it.

First of all, while many of you may meet the person you eventually marry while in school, most of you graduate still single (a statistic that surprised me, actually).

That means despite the perception you and your "90%" roommates have, it’s not really grounded in reality. 

Secondly, I don't think one semester qualifies as having invested a lot of time and energy; that's not exactly "enduring to the end".   My gosh!  You're either incredibly lazy . . . or you give up WAY TOO EASILY?

Since when is something so important and valuable supposed to be easy to come by?!?

Be patient, and keep getting out there and meeting new people.

Third, don't be shy about asking your "guy friends" that have girlfriends now to set you up with their roommates and buddies. After all, isn't that what friends are for?

The only other thing to add, perhaps, is: be a girl that guys date, not that guys "hang out" with.  Movie nights at the apartment are . . . IMHO, dumb and counter productive when it comes to getting dates.

- Bro Jo

PS: You think finding someone is work? Try being married! (It’s all worth it, though!)

 PSS: Regarding your Pen Name: if all you do is wait, you may be waiting a very long time.


Anonymous said...

If you want to beat the 10 percent then you need to have something great to offer.

Keep on being open, friendly and socially active. Also flaunt your physical assets. But take the time to know what you can bring to a relationship. Are you super fun? intelligent? a great friend? a girl who doesn't mind breaking a nail or playing in the great outdoors or shooting up a storm? Do you like to be adventurous and try new things? Are you a good cook, baker or designer? Can you sing, dance or act? Do you like to hike, bike or kayak? Do you collect anything cool? Are you a super spiritual girl? If you want someone great you need to know what is great about you. If you are not sure ask God he might have some insight and btw he is a great matchmaker watch carefully for young men he might want you to consider. Everyone is beautiful in their own special way you must put on spiritual glasses and see their god given potential. I learned something important from every relationship I had and that led me to my husband. And guess what it was my beautiful roomate that told me he was a gentleman and she wanted to go out with him again but it turned out I was the fun, interesting girl he was looking for:) Use the beautiful roomate to sort men for you. And see what is great about her and maybe add it to your life ex. does she exercise regularly? Is she super friendly? Is she shy? Does she know how to dress or do her makeup really well? Help each other be better and have fun. Get your roomates to set you up on dates and better yet get your FHE brothers to set you up with their friends. Our FHE bro was superfriendly and new tons of guys(old ward members and old mission companions) and now I'm married to one of them. Love is one big treasure hunt get out there and keep on looking until you find one you want and that one can see how great you are!

Megan said...

I feel like this person, and a lot of girls including myself, use the 90-10 rule as an excuse that they aren't really in control of the reason guys won't ask girls out. I've just stopped trying to 'get a guy' and just be myself because it has given me a lot of stress to worry about getting a boyfriend. All I can say is, go out of your comfort zone, do activities, and meet people. Hang out with friends, flirt with guys, and stop whining. I'm working on this myself, so I know how it feels. College is supposed to be fun.

Anonymous said...

I have also heard this at BYU that 10% of the girls get 90% of the dates. Girls in the 90th percentile are upset about never really getting asked out.

When those girls express their concern to their bishops, bishops go to elder's quorum and tell the guys that they're not dating and that they should ask girls out. That does get a lot of guys dating again. However, they go and ask out the 10th percentile of girls, leading to more dates for them, more competition between guys, and still few dates for the large group of date-barren girls. Guys then get blamed because there's such a large group of girls that doesn't get taken out, they're told they're not dating enough, they start dating again but only with the cuter girls...the cycle continues.

What do you think can be done to help alleviate this problem? Guys usually don't know ahead of time whether or not a girl gets asked out much, but either way they take out the girls they're attracted to. Are the guys to blame for there being so many girls that don't go out on dates? Is there more that girls should do besides wait to be asked out and blame their shortcomings on guys? Is it really a guy's responsibility to spend time and money on someone that he's just not attracted to when he can spend that time and money putting himself out there for a girl he really IS attracted to? (ESPECIALLY because someone else might beat him to it if he's out with another girl).

As a YSA guy, I feel that guys are only responsible for looking for a girl to marry. If they happen to go for the same girl that others do, then they go for the same girl, but they want to find a wife. Girls are awesome, they really are. However, guys will go for who they're attracted to and that's it. I personally hate competing for girls, but I have to do it anyway if I want to go for girls I'm attracted to. Just as a company shouldn't blame customers for not buying their products/services, girls shouldn't blame guys for not asking them out. Thoughts?

Dave Johnston said...

Dear Anon,

I'll address your questions in a post this Friday, May 24th.

- Bro Jo