Dear Bro Jo-
I frequently read your blog and Facebook page, followed your dating rules even before I read them, and have employed your "How A Girl Can Get A Guy To Ask Her Out" tips with extremely satisfying results. In fact, those very tips helped get me into my current predicament! I'm sure you don't really need the back story, but it'll make me feel better to tell you, so here you go.
I am seventeen years old, female, senior in high school and taking two classes at the local college. I have a nineteen year old 'friend' who has taken me on a few dates so far (three, to be exact). We met in high school -- I was a sophomore, he a senior. (age difference weird?)
We didn't date then because I was only fifteen, and he had a girlfriend for part of the year. We've had one 'hangout'- at his birthday party, where I mostly played with his little sisters, who absolutely adore me :)
Well, I turned sixteen, almost seventeen in fact :D
The first date was to the Trojan Women (a play) and we went afterwards for Frozen Yogurt. He didn't have my number, so he asked me over Facebook.
He religiously got doors, took the check, was in fact a perfect gentleman.
His older sister came with us. A month later, he asked me to build him an electronic gadget (easy peasy- we met in an electronics class), promising dinner as payment. The first option didn't work out, and I didn't hear from him again. A few months later, we ran into each other at the college campus and later I commented on Facebook how awkward it is to see someone who owes you dinner and has failed to pay up.
A few days later he called me and asked if I wanted to go see the Little Mermaid with him (as payment).
I said yes.
We went with his whole family.
He gave me his arm, got the door, etc. I enjoyed the entire outing, and I believe he did as well. His sister emailed me telling me she was glad her brother was dating someone 'awesome like you'.
Another month passes, and he calls and asks me to the college Homecoming dance.
He got his mission call a week and a half after this.
He called me again a few days before the dance to tell me that he couldn't find a group--was it okay, or since I was still in high school did I need a group?
I asserted that we needed a group (despite my parents and parent-aged friends saying it was fine).
Through some convoluted means, my cousin and his friend came with us. We all had a great time- we were only at the dance for a few minutes, we spent most of the time at a candle-light dinner at the park by the Tabernacle, with a conversation jar, and after the dance we just sat outside with the conversation jar, talking and telling stories.
He gave me his jacket, I walked on his arm, he got my door, etc.
After we dropped the other couple off at their cars, he drove me home. At my door (well-lit porch :D) He asked if he might have a kiss.
Know this, Bro Jo-- I really REALLY wanted to say yes.
I recognize infatuation (butterflies!) and it feels great!
I doubt anything inappropriate would happen- that's not where I felt qualms.
However, running through my mind was that he is leaving on a MISSION in just over four months from now and I am still in high school! I have never had a boyfriend, (don't plan to) and because of that I have saved my kisses; to me kisses mean a serious relationship.
I even thought that I'm technically in college, so it doesn't count but I caught that as the rationalization it really was.
All I could say was.... "Maybe".
Nothing else would come out of my lips!
He asked if he could have a yes or a no on that one, and all that came out was "next time(?)"
He accepted that gracefully, gave me a hug, and I went inside.
I just slumped against the door, living in my mind the kiss that COULD have happened...
Was I wrong to do what I did?
I really like him- he is a wonderful person, but I am not naive enough to think that we'll "kiss, date, wait and wed".
If I'm still single by the time he gets home, then ABSOLUTELY I would seriously date him!
But two years is a long time(especially at my age!), and you can meet a lot of people, possibly even an eternal companion.
On the next date, what do I say to him to explain what kisses mean to me, and how I feel such a commitment would be unfair to him, me, his companions, and the people he will be teaching?
What sort of reaction should I be prepared for?
OR, am I really taking it too seriously?
A kiss is just a kiss right?
You have an unlimited amount!
Am I wrong to place so much emphasis on this?
Am I reading too much into this?
Please Bro Jo- all the wisdom and advice you can give me would be very VERY much appreciated, because right now, I feel all twisted up and very confused. Please, tell me where I'm thinking upside-down and backwards.
Sincerely,
R
PS- this has been written in the heat of the moment, so if things don't make sense or if they need clarification, please let me know. I can't tell from my mindset right now- I'm not exactly objective.
Dear R,
It’s a great letter, and I appreciate the detail.
To make things easier for both of us, I've isolated what I think are your major questions.
1. Because you're still in High School, sort of, do your dates still need to be Casual Group Dates instead of Serious Single ones?
A. Yes, they do. And as a soon-to-be missionary, his do also.
2. Were you wrong to tell him you weren't ready to be kissed?
A. Absolutely not. You should never do anything like that if you're not ready, no matter how great the date, how great the guy, how perfect the situation, or how beautiful the moon is.
3. Was it wrong of him to ask?
A. Nope. Very smooth! And appropriate. While he didn't get the answer he was hoping for, he also didn't wreck things with you by grabbing a kiss you weren't ready to give.
4. Would it have meant a major commitment on the part of either of you?
A. I don't see it that way, but I understand that many of you do, and that’s okay.
5. What should you do and say next time?
A. Well, that depends on how you feel. I don't see anything wrong with you explaining yourself, except that it might put undue pressure on him, you and the situation, so if you do bring it up, keep it short and simple.
A kiss is not just a kiss; a sigh is not just a sigh.
You're not putting too much emphasis on this, but you may be making this a much bigger deal than it is. I don't think two young people your ages sharing an innocent kiss goodnight at the end of a date, after having dated several times, is a problem . . . but you need to be true to you and not do anything you're not ready to do.
- Bro Jo
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