Can you tell me how to deal with a third wheel?
My boyfriend lives with his younger sister, so if we want to have a movie date or anything at his house (because mine is teeming with siblings & he has the better tv) then his sister has to be there too because we shouldn't be at his apartment alone.
That isn't really the problem.
The problem is that she tries to get involved with everything we do.
Like, always sitting with us at Church & Church activities, coming along on our dates just because she's already in the car from something else...
She can't drive, and doesn't do anything with her friends or make an effort to meet new friends, and is very old fashioned (she has told us clearly before she thinks we shouldn't kiss 'til after we're married or me leaning on his shoulder during a movie).
It's getting very annoying, and I've mentioned to my boyfriend before that she should be more independent for her sake (because one day he'll be married & she'll have to move in with roommates) but nothing much has changed.
I understand she lives at his house too, and we can't always have the privacy we want outside either, but it's feels like sometimes I'm dating both of them...
- Annoyed
Dear Annoyed,
Help me out a little, please.
How long have you two been dating and how old is each person in your story?
- Bro Jo
Dear Bro Jo,
We've been dating 7 months. I'm 21 and he's 28, post mission.
I think his sister is 23 or 24ish.
Oh, and I still live with my parents.
I'm also the one that wrote that comment on your long courtships/short engagements post about my boyfriend being afraid of the unknown; I just saw that you replied to it.
Our conversations have been serious enough that we've made plans about it.
If we're getting married, it'll be next summer after I graduate from college (he'll still be in school after that) and we're gonna have a ring ceremony for his nonmember family because they can't attend a temple sealing.
He's told me "let's just plan on getting married" over a month ago so I guess I shouldn't expect a proposal until a few months before next May?
We have gone over your list of questions actually, and we can answer almost all of them.
His answer about being afraid didn't feel like a lie... I've asked him before why he's scared, and he always said he doesn't know, and then a couple days ago he told me he was praying a lot about it & he got the impression that Heavenly Father was chastising him because He'd given him such a good girl but he didn't have the faith to know that she's the right choice, or something to that effect.
- Annoyed
Dear Annoyed,
Well I'm glad he's being chastised!
And I think you need a little chastisement, too. (Said with love, of course.)
First of all, it's not a "date" if you're at his house. You're not officially engaged, so it's more of a "hang out", which you absolutely should not be doing.
Let's be honest, why should a guy marry a girl that is willing to hang around his house without a commitment? (That goes for "hanging out" at your house, as well, regardless of who has the better TV).
Oh, sure, you can socialize with his family and go over and watch the occasional video with THEM, but let's not pretend that's a date.
And neither of you should be at the other person's home if someone else isn't in the room at all times.
That's just dumb.
Secondly, you need to learn that you don't just marry a person, you become a part of their family.
Sitting with a sibling at Church and Church activities is expected. I'd expect you to sit with her even if he wasn't there.
Third, your boy needs to become a man. (Which is what I think the Lord is trying to tell him.) And you need to help him. That means ACTUALLY SAYING WHAT YOU MEAN, and not just hinting around. Twenty-eight and post mission . . . I think he's lived more than enough of life as a child.
He needs to know that when you two actually DO go on dates that's you-and-he time.
In a nice way, now (not waiting until your next date), tell him that Serious Single Dating is just that, S-I-N-G-L-E.
Tell him you like his sister, but you don't want her on your dates with him and that, as her brother, he needs to deal with that.
If he won't, and I mean this, if he puts her feelings and needs ahead of yours, then I'm sorry but you'll need to move on.
When you two do get married, if you do, he'll need to cling unto you, not his sister. And you don't want to become a substitute for her . . . or his mother.
If he can't leave her at home and spend some time with you now, you can't expect that to change when you're married.
Oh, and just so we're all clear, while TALKING about getting married and saying "let's plan on getting married" are good and positive, they're not the same as Actually Planning a Sealing. That is a discussion that requires details . . . and a proposal. More than one Sister has been strung along by a man-child who, despite advancing years, is just too much of a baby to get married anytime soon.
FYI - Sister Jo and I had many wedding discussions, like dates and times of year and cakes and plans and reception ideas several weeks before I proposed. Not everyone does that, but as I said in the comments on that one post, something about this guy seems like a red flag.
Now, it DOES seem like he's growing out of it . . . and that's a good thing. Just don't wait around for him forever.
Be Honest with yourself about your situation. Seven months is long enough that you two absolutely need to know if this is going somewhere . . . SOON . . . or if you're both just clinging to Something That's Nothing because it's Comfortable.
- Bro Jo
[Readers,
You can link to the post about Long Courtships and Short Engagements HERE.
Best,
- Bro Jo]
No comments:
Post a Comment