Things to know

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Sunday, July 17, 2011

Long Courtships and Short Engagements

Readers,

I received the following comment on a column I posted called "Bro Jo's List of Stuff You Need to Know Before You Get Engaged".

Anonymous said...


I have a question. In your opinion, how long is a long courtship? And how short is a short engagement?


Dear Annon,

What a great question!

This is going to vary a lot because of the people involved and the circumstance, and I think those two things are proportionally linked.

For example: one of my favorite couples was engaged for over two years (post mission, mind you) before they got married. They were attending colleges on scholarship in two different states. Once that need for separation was over they got married right away.

That worked great for them, but my general feeling (and this is very general), is that once a decision to get married is made, pull the trigger.  Until then, date long enough that you know the answers to those important questions I mentioned before.

Don't sit around WAITING for answers; once you're exclusive, be active in getting the information.  Too many couples become Boyfriend-Girlfriend and then they coast indefinitely, completely losing site of what the whole purpose of being exclusive is.  This is the time to focus on this one person and see if they've got what it takes to put up with you for . . . well, forever.

As for specifics, I break it down like this:

A "long courtship" is 6-18 months, with 9 months being ideal and 15 to 24 months being too long. If you’re marrying age, and you’ve been dating for over a year with no commitments being made, then it’s time to move on.

Even a "short engagement" should still be at least 6 weeks in my opinion. Once a couple has formally agreed to marry, I think (particularly for a Temple-minded LDS couple) that 6 months is too long; I prefer 3 months as a maximum.

But even those numbers can be adjusted.

For example:  two people who know each other really well before he leaves on a mission, could find that dating for six weeks when he comes home is enough to become formally engaged, with a Sealing happening just a few weeks after that.

So long, of course, that they're being rational and not just hormonal or trying to check an ordinance off the list.  Even if you think you know someone really well, if you can't answer the questions, you don't know them well enough.

And, I can't plead for this enough:  knowing the answers is just part of your quest.  You also need to be able to live with the answers they've given you.

- Bro Jo

4 comments:

anna said...

I've been with the same guy for two years and don't see any problem with it. Some people get married too soon and end up with financial troubles. Finances are one of the leading causes of divorce. No thanks.

Bro Jo said...

Long courtship!

And yet . . .

Well, there's lots to discuss here, about desire and goals and circumstances and the age of the people in question and people putting off marriage too long, making excuses because they're in the relationship for comfort and not really in love . . . (And whether or not you're even marrying age to begin with)

And there ARE exceptions to some of the rules . . . but there's also such a thing as hiding behind unimportant financial or lifestyle goals.

But I think the most important question here for you, Anna, is" "how long for you will be too long?"

If things aren't progressing, at what point do you think it should be called off, lest a person waste their time? Three years? Five years? Ten years?

Certainly there's a thing such as "too long". Agreed?

- Bro Jo

Anonymous said...

What if my boyfriend & I have talked a lot about marriage and it's something we both want, but he's hesitant and has admitted to me it's be fear of the unknown. What can we do?

Bro Jo said...

Sorry, there's too many variables there to answer. Perhaps you should send me an email (dearbrojo@gmail.com) with more information, like:

- how long have you been dating?
- how old are each of you?
- how serious have your marriage conversations been?
- can you answer the "things you should know before you get engaged" questions

and, most importantly . . .

- why did you accept such a "trashcan full of poop" answer like "fear of the unknown"?

Because, seriously, that line is a load of garbage.

Deep down, you know that, right?

We're afraid of many things, but never "THE UNKNOWN!!!"

That's what people say when they want to lie.

Address that; find out what the real reasons are, and you'll know how to proceed.

Email me.

- Bro Jo