Dear Bro Jo,
I'm not really sure how this works . . . but at this point.. I am pretty desperate for advice, so if I am doing this wrong then I am sorry. But here it goes... I am a 22 years old up until a few days ago I was in a very serious relationship with another member of the church. We had been together about 7 months, and marriage was frequently discussed and even planned for. Trust me when I say, I wasn't being a crazy girl... he was just as into it, if not more, than I was. We had discussed marriage at length, and everyone thought it was going to happen soon, especially me, until.. to my surprise, he broke up with me out of nowhere, saying he received an answer to his prayer that it just "wasn't right". So here are my questions:
1 - How can someone go from being head over heels in love to receiving an answer that says it "isn't right" in a matter of days?.. Aren't we taught by the prophets that there is no "one" person for us, and if we both have the same eternal goals and priorities that it can work? (Sorry if this is a dumb question, I am a recent convert and am slightly new to all of this!)
2 - How is it that he got a way different answer than I did when I prayed? And how do I move on from this... because as of right now I feel like my whole world has come crashing down.
Thanks!
ps.. can you withhold my name?
Dear Sister,
(Of course I can withhold your name!)
1. Not just the Prophets, but everyone with common sense. It's a nice romantic idea (and, to be honest, I used the "we're destined to be together" line on Sister Jo - which worked out great for me, by the way), but totally untrue and unrealistic. Put together two unselfish people with similar goals and dreams who can find each other attractive on some level and you can make a marriage work. Plus, think of it this way, if there was only one person, no one would get married after their spouse died and all the single people would have to scour the world forever to find that mysterious "soul mate". The "just one person" line always masks something else. (For me it was that I was desperately in love with her and thought I needed to convince her that she shouldn't look elsewhere.)
2. I don't know how recent this whole thing was (I suspect very recent), but something has happened. No one just wakes up one day and drastically changes the course of their life. They may make a decision that seems to the rest of us to be totally random and sudden, but they've been mulling it over for quite a while. Unless there was some catastrophic event, like a natural disaster, a heavenly visitation . . . or an attack by another love interest (like an ex-girl friend that one hasn't gotten over or a new and very attractive competitor; either of which means he didn't really love you anyway). The latter can actually be seen as a combination of the other two.
It very may well have been right for you two to be together, that's why it's so normal to feel the way you do. I was dating a girl once that I was certain I'd marry . . . then she broke up with me . . . twice in 24 hours! (There's a Discussion on the Facebook Page, no one's actually participated in a while, but it's called "Breakup Stories" - you might find it therapeutic.)
I know it hurts so bad right now, but I promise it will get better with time. Do yourself a favor: go out with every decent guy that asks you; let your friends advertise that you're single again. Don't let the pain of this situation keep you from finding future love.
And keep praying for the comfort of the Spirit. It will help.
Now, as for this guy, I really do think he's been thinking about this for a while. And unless there's some new skeleton in your closet that he just discovered, it's something he's been hiding from you. If it was your skeleton I think you'd know about it and I think he'd have brought it up. Since he didn't say anything, it's his issue, and he's clearly afraid to tell you what it is.
I think you have a right to know, and after seven months of serious dating I think he's obliged to tell you (the coward). Now, I'm clearly an opinionated and aggressive person, but I think you should confront the guy and demand an answer. That doesn't mean he'll tell you, but I think it's worth a shot.
Here are my top four guesses as to what the issue is:
1. There's someone else.
2. He's been using you as a safety net and is finally ready to let you go.
3. He's immature and panicked about how serious you two have gotten.
4. He's unworthy and not ready to confess to you or anyone else, including himself.
Statistically speaking, number four is most likely. And sadly, that probably means he has a porn addiction.
I'm not saying that's what his deal is, just that it's the most likely.
Whatever the reason, while it doesn't feel that way right now, you're actually better off to be rid of him.
If he gets his act together and begs you to come back, only do so on the conditions that:
• he has confessed to you what the issue was
• that you're confident he's resolved ("resolved" NOT "resolving") the issue
• you've given every other guy around you who has expressed sincere interest in you a chance
• and, most importantly, you actually want him back in your life.
Let me know how it all goes, would you?
Hang in there,
- Bro Jo
10 comments:
I was pretty much thinking the same thing that Bro Jo had written (and thinking about #4 being most likely), but at the same time maybe he actually DID receive an answer from God. I don't know that for sure, but sometimes people very easily confuse the spirit with "love" or "lust" which could result in different answers, but I am not saying that is what it is. I just think that it is another possibility to consider. I am a convert and I personally know how hard it is to have your heart truly open for an answer from God that may contradict what you want, but when your heart is open it is amazing what God can tell you. It may not always be what we want for ourselves, but God knows what is best. He has the whole picture and we do not. Although there may not be "the one" and the marriage may have worked out, that is just all the more reason to remain hopeful for the future.
I hope I don't seem judgmental in this post. I'm just expressing my thought about a possibility and I know exactly how sensitive people can be when something like this happens.
You know, that's a really good point, and I regret being so negative. It's certainly entirely possible that the Spirit is telling him that she's not a right match, in which case he's more in tune than she is.
Just as the commentor said: we need to discern if what we're hearing is the Lord's will . . . or ours.
Either way, one yes and one no equal a "no".
Well put. Thanks for your comment.
- Bro Jo
I think another option that is often a factor in the equation is the family. It's quite possible he's received a lot of pressure from his family to marry this girl and couldn't take it, or pressure to break up with her.
Not super common, but I've seen it happen.
I've had this same situation happen to me recently, except for I'm on the other end, and it didn't go on for 7 months. It went on for about 2 months and I was really starting to think he could be the one that I marry. He thought the same. I started to pray about it, as it got more serious (only 2 months, I know what you're thinking) and my answer was a no. But that's not what I wanted, I Did want it to be a yes. And he had told me that his answer was a yes, so I just brushed off the answer that I had received for another couple of weeks in hopes that it would change and I would feel good about it again because I truly wanted to marry him. But, the thought never went away. And I finally told him. I didn't know Why, at the time, and so it was honestly one of the hardest things that I've ever done. It hurt me too. I wanted it to work. But then, we decided to remain friends and keep contact. Now, after more time has past, I have started to notice little things that wouldn't be what I want in a marriage. I'm sure I would have noticed them if I would have kept it going for 7 months, but I didn't in those 2 1/2 months. So it hurt when it happened, but now that I can see more clearly I am grateful that I didn't figure these things out after we were married. So sorry for this novel too, but, maybe one day it'll be reveled to you why it didn't work out. Maybe it's simply just because there is someone you can love More out there, whether you could have Made it work with this fella or not (: Because like was said, there isn't just One "soul mate", there are other suiters out there, who want the same things as you, and one can make you very happy someday (: Something to look forward to.
Curious what those "little things" are . . .
But clearly another voice for a "long courtship".
- Bro Jo
Do you really? Haha
I actually might say that one of the biggest problems was what I loved so much at first; We are so similar. It gets in the way quite often. We've both got big personalities and we both feel the need to be right. Therefore we debate a lot, and we don't seem to know how to hold a conversation (at least a meaningful one) without one of us getting hurt and feeling put down. And I don't like the constant feeling of contention. I don't feel like myself when I'm with him anymore, probably because I feel like I have to retrain myself so that nobody gets hurt. He doesn't help me love myself, he actually has quite the opposite effect on me. I don't know how either, I just don't feel good after being with him for long periods at a time or even just talking to him so frequently. I know I probably sound Super picky, but these are all things that I have just noticed in people who are close to me's relationships and I have always said that I didn't want that. I noticed it in other peoples lives and put the exact opposite on my list of things that I am striving for. I know there will always be things to work on in any relationship, but I guess I'm just not strong enough to have to deal with stuff like that, at least not right now.
P.S. You don't have to approve this comment to be posted, although you can if you Want, it was just more for You to answer your curiosity.
Thanks for listening!! I've been reading your posts all day long, they really suck you in. (:
Sister Jo and I have gotten in to some pretty whopper arguments . . . especially in the beginning . . . not so much anymore.
But even when we did argue we eventually made up and we always liked being around each other.
Constant contention is a marriage killer.
Your situation may fall under one or more of the "Five A's of Why Not to Marry" (http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=165378325084)
Thanks for reading and commenting.
Feel free to send me an email anytime you need.
- Bro Jo
dearbrojo@gmail.com
Wow, thanks! Who would have thought by commenting on someone else's situation I'd be helped with my own. Actually, ok, I did think of that. Many of these posts help even when they're not identical situations. The advice can go on so many different levels.
Thank you for your thoughts, and for sharing the link! They're really good things to keep in mind. Marriage is a big decision. Especially when it's Eternal.
Also, I'm sure I'll hold you up on that. Thank you for choosing to be so willing to help those all around the world with your advice and outlook on things (:
I had a thought on the possibility of why one person may be receiving a no answer and one person may be receiving a yes. I received a yes answer when I asked the Lord if I should propose, a little while later, however, I was praying and began to feel it wasn't right. I began to ask if I should marry her, and felt like I got a very definite no. I feel like both answers were from the Lord even though it seems odd that they would be. However since that time I have found the experience of being engaged to have really helped me make better long term decisions. I was able to feel less pressured to make a bad marriage decision, because I had already gotten out of one. In short what may not make sense to us can make perfect sense to the Lord. Perhaps the Lord has given her a yes and him a no, and it was to help give one or both of them a necessary perspective that will help in the long term. When we ask the Lord what he wants us to do, often we are confused when we do that and it leads to hardship or pain, but it is clear that the Lord often leads his people into difficult situations, but it is always for their good. Best of Luck.
I had a religion teacher tell me this.
Just because he's/she's right for you, doesn't make you right for them.
And
Different people have their right "times." Part of the trick is finding someone who has the same right "time" that you do.
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