Dear Bro Jo,
I just read your 'Boyfriend Pressure' column, and I'm in a completely opposite situation! I was wondering if maybe you could help me out, or give me some peace of mind.
Let me give you a little back story.
I met this guy a year ago as an Elder serving in my ward. I thought he was really cool, funny, and we gung-ho about sharing the gospel, but I was in no way interested in him romantically (he was busy serving the Lord!). I would chat with him and his companion in the hallways, and when they came over for dinner, but it was always strictly friendly chatting. After awhile I figured I'd keep in contact when he got off his mission and we'd stay friends. We parted ways, he was transferred, I went out to BYU, but I still wrote him occasionally. When he got off his mission three months ago, he came out to Provo to finish school, and we ended up hanging out... a lot. One thing lead to another and a month and a half ago we started dating one another exclusively.
I've been casual dating in High School and now in college, but I really felt different about him. I'm totally fine with where I am, and I'm in no hurry to tie the knot (I've set a personal standard that I'd like to date a guy for AT LEAST 6 months before accepting an engagement). Regardless of his RM status, he isn't either, but my parents will not drop the subject of marriage; however, they're not encouraging it, they're strongly discouraging it (even though they absolutely ADORE him).
I understand they don't want me to rush into anything, and they want me to make sure I know what I'm getting into, etc., but I've only been dating this guy for a month and half- we're still getting to know each other. We're both pretty sensible kids, and we wouldn't do anything we didn't talk about, and bother feel comfortable about first.
Sometimes, I wish my parents were forcing marriage at me instead of making me promise things like having a yearlong engagement if I get engaged before 20 (no thank you), and bringing up the subject with every mother in my home ward. It's like I can't go ANYWHERE without SOMEONE saying SOMETHING about it!
He knows about all of this, and is really supportive about it. He agrees that we shouldn't rush into anything at all, but he also agrees that I should make my own decisions, especially when they're this important.
I really like this guy, or at least what I know of him so far. I wish they could just be happy that I'm happy and accept whatever decision I make in the future, whether it's this guy, or another.
Is it just my parents being afraid to let go of their little girl, or am I doing something seriously wrong? I just want them to be happy with me.
-Sincerely Hopeful.
Dear Sincerely,
We Mormons love to gossip WAY more than we should (we shouldn't gossip at all); to many of us think it elevates our personal worth and importance if we know something before everyone else. Because of that we're always trying to get information out of people. Now some of that is because we honestly care how someone is doing, and some of it is because we're a close-knit people.
Rather than think the worst of others, it's always better to think the best. So endure the barrage of inquires with the idea that at least those that are asking about your relationship status care about you.
Yes, your parents are afraid. Even within the Church the divorce rate is increasing, and while your parents likely trust you and your judgment, they also don't want you to have to endure the pain of a failed marriage. They've likely seen some sisters (and brothers) suffer because they jumped into marriage unprepared and uninformed.
The truth is, while there are certain things everyone should know about a possible eternal companion (see "Bro Jo's 5 A's of Why Not to Marry THAT Person" and "Bro Jo's List of Questions You Need Answers to BEFORE You Get Engaged") marriage is by definition a leap of faith. You can't really know what it's like until you live it (even living together doesn't help - in fact the divorce and breakup rate among couples who've previously shacked up is so high that living together is practically a guarantee of relationship failure).
Your decision to get married, and by that I hope "Sealed for Time and All Eternity", will be between you, your future spouse, and the Lord.
Some may say it's too soon, some may say it's about time . . .
All I can say is "don't put it off for worldly things", and don't make blanket statements or promises you may not be able to keep.
- Bro Jo
3 comments:
I've kind of been in a similar situation. I'm 19 and have been dating the same guy for about a year. Ever since I was little my mom has been impressing on me that I can't get married before I'm 20 because it's too young and I still have a lot of growing up to do, or whatever the case may be. So that's always kind of stuck in my head. When my boyfriend brought up marriage I initially told him we'd have to wait a year until I turned 20. But he asked me to pray about it and he said he'd do the same. The next day we came back and both knew that the time was now to get married and that it would be foolish and possibly dangerous to put it off longer because let's be honest: we knew we wanted to marry each other, and therefore wanted to do married things.
Anyway, I was really worried about telling my mother. She had always been so adamantly against me getting married before 20 (and even that was young) I called her and told her I was engaged and that we are getting married at the end of the summer. She surprisingly took it really well. She told me that she knew I was mentally and spiritually ready for a marriage and that my fiancee is a good person who would be good for me. She's still kind of uneasy, but she'd be uneasy if I were 30 because I'm her daughter and it's a scary thing seeing your daughter get married.
I guess what I'm trying to say is when the time comes, if your mom is in tune with the spirit, she will know that it is the right time for you, regardless of how old you are. And even if she still is kind of a basket case, you have to do what you feel is best for you. Being married is a lot about making your own decisions with your spouse, based on what the spirit is telling you, not your mother.
I've kind of been in a similar situation. I'm 19 and have been dating the same guy for about a year. Ever since I was little my mom has been impressing on me that I can't get married before I'm 20 because it's too young and I still have a lot of growing up to do, or whatever the case may be. So that's always kind of stuck in my head. When my boyfriend brought up marriage I initially told him we'd have to wait a year until I turned 20. But he asked me to pray about it and he said he'd do the same. The next day we came back and both knew that the time was now to get married and that it would be foolish and possibly dangerous to put it off longer because let's be honest: we knew we wanted to marry each other, and therefore wanted to do married things.
Anyway, I was really worried about telling my mother. She had always been so adamantly against me getting married before 20 (and even that was young) I called her and told her I was engaged and that we are getting married at the end of the summer. She surprisingly took it really well. She told me that she knew I was mentally and spiritually ready for a marriage and that my fiancee is a good person who would be good for me. She's still kind of uneasy, but she'd be uneasy if I were 30 because I'm her daughter and it's a scary thing seeing your daughter get married.
I guess what I'm trying to say is when the time comes, if your mom is in tune with the spirit, she will know that it is the right time for you, regardless of how old you are. And even if she still is kind of a basket case, you have to do what you feel is best for you. Being married is a lot about making your own decisions with your spouse, based on what the spirit is telling you, not your mother.
Everyone has their right, "time" and "length of courtship."
I have two older sisters who are good examples. The eldest was tired of dating and even moved out of state to get a fresh start because she had "exhausted the dating pool" at home. (Ok, dad had kicked her out of the house because he didn't want a live in old maid.) Within a month she started dating a guy who was just as sick of the dating game as she was. They avoided the coyness and just told it to each other straight, which they both appreciated. Three weeks later they decided to get married. That may seem really quick, but with what I know of my sister's personality, it was kind of necessary if she was ever to get married. They have a wonderful family now.
The second one was a dating diva. She would have men crowded around her at dances. She was also the sort of person would only pay attention to people who happened to be right there physically in her life. She met a guy (30+, she was 24) who wanted to take it slow because he had been rejected after proposal three times before. The problem was she was leaving for an internship in three months. I knew he liked her, and she liked him. One day, I just "happened" to run into him at the gym. I told him that if he didn't get serious now she would forget him the minute she left. (He knew I was right, he was at those same dances.) He went straight to my house without so much as taking a shower! 6 months and a distance relationship later he officially became my brother-in-law.
Everyone has their story. No story is exactly the same. Those age laws our parents hammer into us are just guidelines. What matters most is what is best for you.
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