[Readers – Occasionally I share with you a letter that covers a very serious subject. I do so because I think the bravery of the writer and their desire to set things right with God is inspirational.
This issue affects many, regardless of gender, culture, or circumstance. If you find yourself in the same situation, I urge you to follow the same counsel and seek the Savior's redeeming love. Talk to your Bishop right away. None of us is perfect, but through Him we can become perfect. Do not procrastinate the day of your repentance!
If at any point the Spirit directs you that this material is something you don’t need in your life at this time, close the blog and return in a two weeks when it’s no longer part of the main page.
Know that I love you all, and Testify of the Power of the Atonement. - Bro Jo]
Dear Bro Jo,
I am a sixteen year old girl. I've been self-stimulating off and on for three years, just about. I feel horrible every time I do it, and it makes me want to cry I know I choose to do it even though I don't really want to and my logic tells me that doing that is stupid and WRONG. I have confessed to the Bishop about it, but I always feel so uncomfortable telling him! I mean, it’s really disgusting! I think I'm addicted.
The first time I went out for my temple recommend he wouldn't give it to me because I had broken the Law of Chastity, which I understood and at that moment chose never to do anything like that again.
But I have.
A lot.
I'm really starting to hate myself, and I most of all DO NOT want to tell my folks because when I had a...er...dry spell?...for about a year I told them it had stopped. But now the temptation is almost always too hard for me to resist. And I don't want to disappoint them and I want to repent on my own without relying on my parent's testimony.
It’s not just the self-pleasuring either.
I had a boyfriend last year (bad decision, I know) and I let him kiss me and touch me and be alone with me, sometimes for hours. It got really really bad, because even though he told me he was going to be chaste until marriage, he was a nonmember so he said the other stuff was ok in his faith, and it got to the point that I began feeling uncomfortable and became distant. We are broken up now, and I stopped for a while but now...
I've also been watching pornography.
It starts out with "I can watch this without doing that, can't I?" But it turns out I can't. And I know this, and I still do it.
I take the sacrament every week, and should be seeing the Bishop every other week, but our boundaries were changed so everything is all messed up. I go to seminary every morning and Church almost every week, and I love the Church. I love being LDS, and I know it’s true and all, but I just can't get over this Temptation.
I've read your blog, and my situation is almost like "Lost in Idaho's" [Readers: part 1 HERE, part 2 HERE, part 3 HERE] but I have the urge to ask you myself. Not just because I want some sort of guidance from someone I know has helped so many people. I just feel so alone, and lost, and afraid that what I'm doing will shut me out of heave (because it’s the third worst sin, the first is Denying the Holy Spirit and the second is murder).
I'm abusing myself and I honestly don't know why. It started off as experimental curiosity, but now it’s not. I really want to stop, badly.
I've read some Church stuff on the subject but it almost exclusively applies to guys, and although I've followed their advice it slips through. I've prayed and prayed and sometimes it works so I don't for a month or two, but then I fall again.
Should I go to my Bishop and my Parents?
Get a blessing?
Help me please?
-Distressed and Confused.
Dear Distressed,
Satan works on each of us in so many ways that we can forget that the most important thing is to repent of our sins and make things with Heavenly Father. We do that through Jesus Christ and His redeeming love.
You have a couple things to overcome (I'll explain why they're bad in a moment), and I think you can see how your inability to do that has put you in a downward spiral with possible huge mistakes along the way (like . . . the touchy moments with the previous boyfriend).
You have an addiction.
Two actually, and like any addictions, they're: A) things you will likely battle all of your life, and B) nearly impossible to overcome without outside help.
But don't despair! Not only can you overcome them, the Spiritual rewards of self mastery and addiction recovery are great and wonderful!
First of all, let me correct the record: masturbation is NOT one of the "three deadliest sins". What the scriptures mention is actually "adultery" (having sex with someone when at least one of you is married to someone else; which is not to be confused with "fornication", which is sex between two people who are not married to each other nor anyone else.). The reason adultery is so grievous is because it involves breaking vows that have been made before God, and the consequences of breaking those vows affects more than just the sinner, but also their families.
[Now, if you'll allow me a side tangent: Bro Jo doesn't like the "ranking" of sinful behavior; you know, saying one sin is better or worse than another. We all sin, it's all bad, and we all need to repent.
As long as you're not killing innocent people (like a terrorist or serial killer, not like a soldier on orders) or going around preaching against Christ despite your personal testimony of the truth (we can argue that Saul/Paul and Alma the Younger didn't actually have a testimony until their personal witness), then you have a shot at redemption, regardless of what you've done. (Not that it matters, but in case people want to know, your fore-knowledge plays a factor as well.)
All of you know it's wrong to steal, so you're "more" accountable before God, if you will, than the 10-year old street orphan who steals to eat. I hope that makes sense. Think of "with greater light comes greater responsibility".]
Pornography and self-stimulation are addictive because they cause the brain to release chemicals that . . . frankly, make our bodies . . . "feel good". The Lord has designed our bodies to do this so that when two married people have sex (which I think the world needs to re-label as "make babies") they'll say "hey, this is a great and wonderful way to express our love for each other and create bodies for the other spirits that need them; let's do it again!" Within a marriage, those feelings and actions can be good and wonderful; there's something very special and very important when eternal love is added to the mix.
The reasons pornography and masturbation are bad are:
1) They give us false ideas of how things are supposed to be between two people, often creating unrealistic sexual expectations and a fantasy world where we ponder fornication and adultery
2) They demonstrate a lack of control over the "natural man"; they're the sexual equivalent of eating nothing but sweets, damaging our spirit the way that unhealthy eating ruins our bodies
3) Their addictive nature, just like any typical "drug", lead us to seek more dangerous images, fantasies and actions (and frequency) to get the same "high" as before; as you've discovered, porn is a gateway drug; it starts small, but leads to other things, and eventually the "softer porn" isn't enough, and just like marijuana leads to coke or meth or whatever, staring at pictures of naked people (or reading about sex in books) can lead to watching videos on the internet or seeking out more hardcore pornographic materials, which can lead to us trying to act out those images with others (as you know)
4) Even though we justify our sinful behavior - which you've done, and which, I need to add, is EXTREMELY easy with pornography and masturbation since: a) with the internet it's readily accessible in the "privacy" of your own home, and b) the world at large sees both as socially acceptable - we feel ourselves pulling away from the Spirit (you've noticed that too, and are smart enough to have noticed how awful that feels)
So the bottom line, Little Sister, is that you need help. You need help with your addiction and mending things with Heavenly Father.
You're not a bad person!
You're a kid who got mixed up in some dangerous stuff when you were very young. Yes, you shouldn't have done it, but it happened. We should never sin with the idea that we can "always repent later". The scriptures aren't wrong when they warn us against procrastinating our repentance. You've tried to quit on your own, and it hasn't worked (rarely does, by the way). So call and make the appointment with your Bishop.
Do it now.
Please.
You can come back and read the rest of this letter when you've made the call.
I'll wait.
Go ahead.
Did you call? If not, go back to "do it now".
I'm serious.
Go on.
If you did, then read on.
(You're not cheating are you?)
Okay.
I'm not gonna lie: it may not be easy for you to have the conversation. But it will be SOOOOO worth it. I promise.
It will help your Bishop to help you if you're completely open and honest. You don't have to give the graphic details, but be forthcoming about how and why and how often and the last time and anything that triggers the behavior. Discovering the triggers, the things that lead to the behavior (loneliness, up late at night, using the computer in a private place, hunger, depression, access, all kinds of things) will help you recognize when danger is near.
In the same way that you know pornography leads to self-stimulation (and let's be honest, deep down you know that, and the addiction has you turning to porn because you "want" to self-stimulate and you know that the porn leads to that), there are other triggers that lead to the porn. Cut the triggers out of your life, and the other is much easier to control.
And don't worry about being embarrassed or embarrassing the old guy in the room. The Spirit of the Lord will be there to help you both. And yes, it might be a good idea to put your parents in the loop. When overcoming addiction we need a strong support network, and no one has stronger interest in your Spiritual salvation than your parents. In AA it's called "having a sponsor", and you'll likely need the equivalent. Talk to your Bishop about that, too.
I'm a big fan of blessings. Bring it up with your Bishop. A blessing from he and/or your dad could help a great deal.
So call and make the appointment with the Bishop. (Of course, if you haven't already.) Meet with him today if you can.
I'll be here if you need me along the way. I promise.
Whatever it takes to get to the point where you know all is right Spiritually and you're once again able to feel good and worthy partaking of the Sacrament and going to the Temple . . . well, little sister, those are the best feelings in the world!
Keep praying. Keep going to Church and Seminary. Whenever you're tempted to look at porn or do stuff you ought not do, say a prayer and pick up your scriptures. If it helps (and for many it does) realize that Heavenly Father can see everything you're doing, and imagine him watching you when you're tempted to sin.
(Let's face it, there's a lot of stuff we wouldn't do if we realized someone else was in the room. It's not just young people: there are too many adult, active, Latter-day Saints that don't get the "can't hide from God" concept, either.)
This is a battle you absolutely can win!
May the Lord bless you and strengthen you as you fight this addiction.
Remember: you are a choice Daughter of God, and you deserve His love.
- Bro Jo
4 comments:
This might be the most important advice I've ever heard Bro. Jo give. I had one other insight from my own experiences that may also help. When someone is active in the church all along, especially those who everyone in the ward holds up on a pedestal as a wonderful youth, we can feel a tremendous amount of pressure to maintain that aura. We seem to get this idea that there is a perfect person in the church. Now we all know that no one is perfect, and yet we've created the perfect imperfect person. This is the person that sins, sure, but they sin by being unkind sometimes, and they sin because they don't read their scriptures long enough every day, and so we think that it's possible to be this perfect imperfect person. It's not. Everyone screws up in this life. Big time. We screw up in a way that is embarrassing to us and our families, we screw up in a way that is disappointing to our Heavenly Father. All of us do, and we need to learn to let go of our fear of man, and rely on the savior. That's a lot easier said than done, and it is a huge relief when you can simply be honest about who you are, and how you want to improve, and see that your family will still accept you for that.
A couple of other things that might be encouraging. What we do is very important, but the fact that you want to be on the right side of the Lord so badly is also important. He taught that we would be judged by our works and the desires of our heart (D&C 137:9.)
It is important that we never justify sins, and that we always try our hardest. It is also important that we keep an eternal perspective. We are on the path to perfection, but we won't reach perfection until long after our lives are over. It would be silly to expect that we could reach that standard by the time we are still so young in our lives. The most important thing is that you are going in the right direction.
I'm glad you included novels Bro Jo. A lot of people don't realize that many books are written to be sexually arousing, just like porn movies are scripted to be. A lot of people don't seem to grasp the concept that porn isn't just limited to "adult entertainment." Porn is anything that causes a person to be aroused, whether it's a late night phone conversation, a sex scene in a book, (part of the reason I hate the "Twilight" books) or pictures on the internet. For me, it was the lingerie sections of my mom's clothing catalogs.
When my battle against these same sins was at it's worst, I did the same thing as you little sister- I hated myself every time. But that is counter-productive. Hate the sin, love the sinner has far deeper meaning than just accepting other people; we should also love ourselves, not hate ourselves for our shortcomings. Hate the sins. Become repulsed by them. See them for what they really are: Satan's counterfeit for love and beauty. These sins lead to more serious sins, as they did for you, me, and most everyone who is involved in them. It's part of Satan's goal. I did the same things as you, with several girls, because it was a chance for me to live out the things I'd seen. I felt dirty and cheap afterwards. That's all these sins are- dirty and cheap. Love and sex are beautiful and fulfilling. Satan's tricks look the same, but they come nowhere close to the real things.
My battle lasted nearly a decade. As I've come to terms with the things I've done, it's become easier to talk about them. If I could go to every person in the world who deals with these issues, and help them I would.
One thing that helped me was learning to play hymns on the guitar. Anytime i was in a "trigger" situation, i picked up my guitar and started playing. I also removed things that didn't help me. As much as I loved Death Metal, i got rid of most of it because it didn't help. If it doesn't help, than it's hurting.
Don't ever give up.
So this may be a stupid question, but, what if you used to have a masturbation problem but no longer do. I understand that if you still did then it would be necessary to seek help from the bishop, but I guess my question is, where it is no longer a problem is it still necessary to go to the bishop for the repentance process?
Thank you for the brave comments.
Annon, it's not a stupid question at all. The answer is the answer to this question: "have you fully repented?"
And that's something we don't need to know, but something you need to honestly ask and answer yourself.
Here are some other questions you can ask yourself that might help:
When did you quit? Yesterday? Five minutes ago? Is their porn up on another browser window?
Or has it been years?
Have you really quit? Or do you periodically struggle, giving in to the sin again?
Were there other sins committed in the process of committing this one? Did you lie in worthiness interviews? Steal pornography? Sneak out? Lie about your whereabouts?
Did you partake of the Sacrament when you shouldn't have?
If you feel that you've truly repented, not just of the sin but of all the related sins, and if you feel that you don't need any help to keep from repeating the sin or feeling that you are worthy to enter the Temple, then you're fine.
If you have any questions at all, you should talk to your bishop.
Better to be safe than sorry.
- Bro Jo
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