How to Get to Know a Boy Better

Dear Bro Jo,

Hi!

So at the last stake dance, there was someone I needed to avoid.  (Yes, needed. He's a jerk). After a few failed attempts to come talk to me and pretty much stalk me halfway to the bathroom a few times, he finally gave up. A little while later I was talking to 2 of my friends about how pretty much all of the guys I've gone on a date with have ended up being jerks or creepers, one of them decides to find a nice guy for me to talk with. She goes up to some guy and I guess she sort of explains the situation (how all the guys have been creepers). Anyway, she pulls me over, introduces us, tells us to talk, then she leaves.

We talked for a while. He likes a lot of the same things I do. Like ballroom dancing, country music, piano, and some other stuff. He's really nice and sweet, but I only talked with him for like 30-40 minutes aaaaaaand... he's going on his mission. This summer, I believe. I wouldn't dream of getting in the way of that, but I still would like to get to know him better. Any ideas on how to talk to him enough so it wouldn't be weird if I were to write him on his mission?

Any comments or suggestions are appreciated!

Thanks,

Cautious



Dear Cautious -

Your letter is the second time in 24 hours that I've felt the need to write something about how a girl can avoid Stalker / Creeper Boys . . . I'll have to give that some thought. Keep an eye out for it in the Facebook Fan Page Notes.

I think your question "how do I get to know him better" is one many Young Women worldwide share. You probably know by now that I don't recommend that you call or email or text him. I take a lot of heat on this for being "Old Fashioned", but I stand by its effectiveness.

If he sends you an email, well to me that's like a letter, so it's OK to email him back.

If he phones you, even if he leaves you a message to please call him back, I don't think you should. (I can hear many of my readers saying "but it's rude not to call back!" I disagree. Simply calling you should not imply some commitment on your part. And the problem with you, as a girl, calling him, as a guy, back is that it gives too much away. See often guys leave messages because it's easier than talking to a girl in person, and he figures that if she calls him back that it means she's confirming that she likes him. Guys actually talk about that stuff. "Dude, call her, leave a message, and then you know that if she calls you back you're golden."

I did it to Sister Jo.

I called her and left a message asking her to call me back.

She didn't.

I was angry.

And indignant.

And eventually, after swearing I'd never take her out again because she'd been so rude, I broke down and called her.

Perhaps I wanted to give her the why and what for.

Perhaps I wanted to tell her what a great guy - me - she would be missing out on.

But when I called she said "I'm so glad you called! I don't call boys and I was afraid you wouldn't think I was worth the effort to call twice."

(Twentieth wedding anniversary is next year.)

So I don't think you should call. I can accept bending the rule a little. If he calls and leaves a message, I think it's OK for you to call back and say "Hi! I just wanted to let you know that I don't call boys, but I'd really like to talk to you, so you should call me right back." And hang up.

He'll call. Trust me.

And you can explain to him that the reason you do that is so you'll always know that he thinks you're worth the effort.

As far as texting goes, I know it's real popular, but it can never replace actually hearing someone's voice (which, by the way, is cheaper).

Quoting me: "Texting is to calling what graffiti is to literature." - Bro Jo

A short message is OK, especially after some level of relationship is established. Sister Jo and I text scores to each other when we have to be at different sporting events. Otherwise we call. And we're married (see anniversary comment above!) - you can't get more "established relationship" than that.

So . . . since I'm telling you not to do all the typical "worldly" stuff, you've got to still be wondering. Here's the List!

"Bro Jo's HOW a GIRL CAN GET to KNOW a BOY BETTER WITHOUT CALLING or TEXTING"

1) Write. A letter. And mail it. In the mail. With a stamp. So much more personal. Sister Jo and I were pen-pals for three months between our first and second dates. (For the record, she doesn't count the first one as a date, but I do.) A note or card that says "hey, I really enjoyed meeting / talking to you" and encloses your phone number (even if you already gave it to him) can work wonders.

2) Use your mutual friends. That's what they're for. Some one knows both of you, have that person pass word to them that you'd like him to call you. Call it juvenile if you want, I don't think it is, and it does work. Having your brothers set up a Casual Group Date and then telling him that he should take you is a great idea as well.

3) Do what you can to be where he'll be. Stake Conference, activities, sporting events at his school . . . if it's not weird show up where he works. Don't stalk him, but remember that if "out of sight out of mind" is true, then the opposite is true as well.

4) Go up and talk to him. He's there, you're there, don't waste the opportunities.

5) Pray. Sister Jo says I don't mention prayer to you guys enough; she may be right. Nothing wrong with asking Heavenly Father to prompt a guy to call you.

6) Stay available. By that I mean "no boyfriends". Dates, yes; boyfriends, no. Nothing turns more guys off than you being seriously attached to someone else. There are girls my boys refuse to EVER ask out because of whom their past boyfriends have been.  I think you young sisters need to be warned about that. Guys actually think about "why would I ever kiss her after she's kissed THAT guy" (and that can be inferred to much more than kissing).

Now, number 6 is NOT to imply that you shouldn't date and perhaps have a serious boyfriend or two while this guy is on a mission. If you're available when he comes back, then you're available, but if you're sealed, then that's even better.

- Bro Jo

PS - I applaud you for going to dances, having the courage to talk to someone new, and your integrity when it comes to not getting in the way of a young man and his opportunity to serve. Keep it up!