When the Person You Really Like (in High School) is in a Relationship with Someone Else

Dear Bro Jo,

Hey there, Bro Jo!

I stumbled across your blog on Facebook and must admit I have spent a few hours on here.

It has been so helpful for me to learn and read more about dating and relationships and such.

Especially as a girl at the age of 17 and entering into my Senior year of high school, it is something on my mind quite a bit.

I'm grateful that you put so much heart and thought into your replies and I've been touched by many of them!
Now, I have my own little story and am seeking advice on how to deal with this situation.

So, there is this really wonderful boy I know, (name withheld).

He is basically amazing--straight A student, talented cross country runner, pianist, friendly, kind, sweet, funny. I've never known a guy as close to perfection!

And even better yet--he is in choir with me at school.

A few months ago, we had our choir Spring Tour to Cali, and during that weekend, I guess you could say we became very close friends.

We talked about everything, laughed, went on a sort-of "date" on the pier, sat by each other everywhere, hung out a lot, and he saved a seat for me on the bus everywhere we went.

Before this point, we were casual friends, just the usual say-hi friends or engaged in small talk, and we've known each other since 5th grade (might I add we had crushes on each other back then, we found out). But on this trip, I felt so close to him and wow-I was SO impressed by him. And how easy it was to just talk and be myself. He is the best listener and each conversation was so intelligent and worthwhile, which I so value.

And he is extremely polite and thoughtful!

There are very few genuine gentleman like him.

It's hard to put in words just how highly I think of him.

Might I add I am a pretty sweet and friendly girl, so I have opportunities to date and meet lots of boys, but never before have I felt like I wanted to be the best I can possibly be for someone.

He truly brings out my true self.

I just felt sooo good around this boy!

Anyway, I started having feelings for him from the get-go, basically. But I thought I could easily hide them and nothing would come of it.

So that was my plan.

But a few people found out, like they always do.

Guess I couldn't hide my feelings after all huh?

Not that this was a problem--I actually found out that (he) told his roommates I was "very pretty and he loved being around me."

Not sure what that means, but I thought he maybe liked me!

He sure acted like it from the way he looked and talked to me...

Anyways, it was so hard on me throughout the weekend because of one significant detail: he had a girlfriend back home...and though they were just good friends and dating "casually", I definitely didn't want to get in the way.

I know the girl too, and we are friends in Math class.

I don't exactly know the status of their relationship, other than they've been together for a few months.

And I know they shouldn't exactly be dating....but I don't want to judge because he entrusted in me some difficult family problems, which may increase his need for a steady girlfriend?

I'm not sure...

However, I also don't want to give him up.

He is the only boy in my mind right now who remains interesting to me.

We texted for a while after our trip, and he still talks to me at school, but obviously our friendship's not the same because we are both very busy!

Also, hanging out might be awkward, considering his not-single relationship status. I've had a few other boys and several dates since with good friends, but I can't stop thinking about (him), and I really felt a deep connection to him, and still do- as a friend and romantically as well.

Also, I might add, I'm very casual about dating--I've never really had a boyfriend and have not been kissed, though I've had boys who've liked me very seriously.

This is one of the first times I've felt this drawn to a boy--personality, looks, his testimony, just everything. 

The feelings have obviously calmed down quite a bit since the trip 2 months ago.

But I saw a picture of him tonight and my heart sort of fell for a second and I remembered all our sweet talks and my memories of him. (as cheesy as that sounds).

No, we never talked about our feelings for each other openly, just that we wanted to remain 'really good friends'.

I'm not exactly forward when it comes to these things. I know he's still with his girlfriend though.

So, you are a very wise man! What are your thoughts on all this?

Do you think I stand a chance in his mind?

Would it be weird for him to have slight crush on me while dating this other girl?

Should I try to stay friends with him to stay a prospect for the future?

Does it sound like he was into me at all?

What should I do?

I hope this doesn't sound like too much of a mess...I'm just surprised at how much I actually feel for this boy and how much I miss him.

I hope to hear from you!

Sincerely,

- Miss Lovesick




Dear Lovesick,

I think all is fair in love and war (more on that later), but if this boy is the age you paint him to be, his focus should be a mission, not a relationship with a 17 year old girl still in high school.

I do think you "stand a chance", and it's certainly possible for him to be in a relationship with someone else bit have a crush on you.

[A guy acting upon those feelings is only a big red flag if he's married or seriously committed to her; girls (and guys) need to understand that anyone who cheats on another for you could just as likely cheat on you.]

I don't believe that guys can stay 'just friends' with girls because, well . . . they can't.  (And shouldn't.)

And I think that getting into the "Friend Zone" often kills any romantic possibilities.

I think you should go on Casual Group Dates with him, regardless of whether or not he has a "girlfriend" (that's the "all's fair" part) so long as you both follow the rules, and that includes him doing the asking.

- Bro Jo