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Monday, February 3, 2014

Can You Kiss Without Commitment?

Dear Bro Jo, 


I have a couple of questions for you and I'm going to try to keep this short and sweet.

There's this boy I really like and I know he likes me back. So far we've only gone on one date (yes a Casual Group Date) but I'm taking him to our formal in a few weeks.

To get straight to the point, I know he wants to kiss me, eventually, and I want to kiss him too.

Now this could still and probably will be a little while off, but I'm nervous.

This boy is probably going to be my first kiss!

(Oh I'm a junior in high school by the way.)

The thing is, a kiss is kinda like a commitment, but would it also be a commitment to be his girlfriend?

I'm trying to stay away from that whole boyfriend girlfriend thing, because we're not supposed to steady date in high school, but I'm almost a little confused on what qualifies as having a boyfriend.

If he kisses me does that make me his girlfriend?

I guess I'm just not sure on how to not become the BF GF thing.

Do I just still continue to date lots of people and him every once in a while?

I'm just not sure.

Do I let him kiss me at all?

(Please say yes!)

And what can I do to make sure he understands what I want?

I'd very much appreciate your help.


Girl who wants her first kiss

Dear Wants,

Well . . . you've got a lot of questions there!

For starters, if you haven't read it yet, check out "Bro Jo's Guide to Kissing" (on the FB page HERE, and also in my book, "Bro Jo's Guide to Casual Group Dating" )

Kiss or no kiss, I think you still need to follow the Casual Group Dating Rules, and that includes not going out with the same guy twice in a row.

The only way to have anyone EVER understand what we want is to talk to them.

Of course, that can become a real moment-killer if he's about to kiss you good night and you stop him to talk about it first (not to say that's a bad idea), so this may be a conversation you should have with him BEFORE the . . . moment.

I know that sounds awkward . . . but communication really is the key.

So early on, perhaps even before the formal dance, you bring up the subject of BF-GF and kissing and commitment and give him an opportunity to express how he feels. You can tell him that while most people think a kiss is a commitment, and while you agree that kisses shouldn't be given away to just anybody, that you also don't think boys and girls should have pre-mission commitments, so you think a simple goodnight kiss at the end of a date is okay and doesn't have to imply that people are in a relationship.

Once that's out there, I think that's all you can do.

What makes something a "relationship" is an understanding between two people that is what it is.

Often that means a kiss . . . or a DTR talk. (Sister Jo and I never had "the talk", we just stopped dating and spending time with other people.)

I think these things go best if you make some decisions beforehand.

For example, I don't think you should let your wish to be kissed override anything else you've decided. If you don't want it to be a commitment, then don't give in on that standard just because you want your lips to touch, particularly if he makes that a "condition".

Don't ever betray who you are, do things you know you're not supposed to do, or give in to something you're not ready for just because you think you're supposed to.

And don't pressure anyone else to, either.  (Just because you're ready to smooch, that doesn't mean that he is, and that needs to be respected.)

During the date one way to see if either of you are ready is to, if you haven't already, hold hands.  Now holding hands isn't a sign that kissing is a certainty, but jumping straight to kissing can be a pretty big leap on it's own.

Hope that helps,

- Bro Jo

1 comment:

Laura said...

All but one of my first kisses with someone were discussed beforehand. By discussed, I mean we talked about what a kiss means, what the physical boundaries are, what it means between the guy and myself as far as any kind of status, etc.
The one that wasn't discussed is the one I wish never happened.

The one that was discussed the most before the kiss even happen was with the man I am now married to. And we didn't just discuss kissing. We discussed timing, why it would or wouldn't be appropriate at the given time of the conversation, what it would mean for us in the future, etc. We still have discussions on everything physical. And we never plan on stopping this communication.

Communication is such a huge key in relationships that I feel so many youth and young adults tend to forget about. Don't let fear or anxiety override your tongue. If he doesn't want to talk about it, then you probably don't want to kiss him. Yet, anyway. (Meaning, if he doesn't want to talk about it, don't kiss him or let him kiss you until you CAN talk about it - trust me on this!)