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Friday, January 31, 2014

His Fiance Says She Was Raped and Impregnated by Her Ex-boyfriend . . . Now What Should He Do?

Dear Bro Jo,

Good day.

I don't know you and the things you do that much, but I was moved by the things I see on your page.

I'm A Filipino Catholic and I would say I'm quite strong with my faith, it's just that I'm now here on these trying times that I'm wondering what really is meant for me and my purpose based on God's grand plan.

My fiancé and I are planning to be married 2 years from now, and her coming back to the USA should be the start in fulfilling the plans that we already laid.

My fiancé has a child already from her previous relationship but I didn't see anything wrong with that for whatever happens in her past was already done and I'm more focus on what's present and the future may bring.

Anyway, she comes back to USA with great uncertainty she doesn't have a family living close to where she lives and since the father of the child was supporting the child they asked for his help in looking for a place to live (which in fact he was able to, I think it's a good place with great neighbors and it's far from the guy's place).

She already made it clear to the guy almost 3 years ago that what was between them was over.

In fact she stayed with me in the Philippines last year with the child, and we lived basically as a family.

Less than a month after her return to USA something terribly wrong happened, she said she was raped by her ex, and just last Sunday we confirmed that she is pregnant.

Now I am quite lost.

I'm dealing with a lot of pain and anger but I don't want it to rule over me.

I don't blame her for what happened although I think she could have done something more toward the guy off.

Nonetheless, it already happened... and now I just wish to find spiritual guidance as to the things I needed to do and maybe find answers to my questions.

Are we not meant to be?

What’s the purpose of this test?

Thank you so much I hope you could help me and my fiancé open our eyes to whatever things this test brings us.

Please keep my story confidential and our identities anonymous.

- Name Withheld,

Dear NW,

That IS a serious test of one's love and faith.

No doubt you're filled with questions like:

- was she really raped?
- is she just saying that now because she's pregnant and regrets having sex with her ex?
- did he hunt her down? or did she go to him or invite him to her willingly? 

I think I'd have those questions, too.

Sure, you love her, and you want to trust her . . . but you have to wonder how the two of them ended up in close enough proximity for him to even touch her, let alone impregnate her.

Because "rape" in an act of violence, not simply the definition of "sexual regret", and you hope that if she was attacked that she followed through by reporting him to the authorities so that his arrest, prosecution and punishment would keep him from harming someone else.

And if she didn't report him . . . if her stories don't pan out . . . if you can't trust her . . .

See where I'm going?

If you can't trust her, your marriage will always be in jeopardy.

And she needs to be able to trust you, too.

Can she trust that you'll never bring this up?

Never throw it in her face?

Never use it against her or to hurt her?

Through the atonement of Christ all are allowed forgiveness.

But forgiving someone their past transgressions does not mean that you have to marry them.

If my wife was raped and impregnated, I would not turn my back on her nor push her out of my life.

If she got drunk and naked with an ex-boyfriend she'd have to find somewhere else to live.

I hope that makes sense.

Attraction in marriage is great.  Love is expected.  But Trust is Required.

You need answers.  And she needs to feel safe.

And you both need to be able to Trust each other, or this marriage is doomed.

I don't know why this trial is before you, my friend.

It's very sticky.  If she was indeed raped (and simply claiming she was means, in my opinion, that until there's evidence to the contrary she deserves the benefit of the doubt), then you really should stand by her.

If you can't do that, then shame on you, but do the girl a favor and break things off.

So what now?  How will you know?

I believe that through prayer, being of service to others, and pondering the Gospel we can know the will of God and receive the answers we need.

And I think that can take some time. I suggest patience.

Allow the Spirit of God time to reveal the truth to you and work on your heart.

And, in the interim, I don't think you should allow worldly things to cloud your judgment; specifically, I think the two of you should stop living and acting "like married people".

(That's me nicely trying to say "stop having sex out of marriage".)

I wish peace for you both during this difficult time. I always keep confidences.

Thank you for the kind words you've said.

May the Lord bless you with what you need . . .

And please feel free to write anytime,

- Bro Jo


Anonymous said...

It is estimated that over 50% of rapes go unreported ( The writer did not share any details that his fiance gave him, but simply not reporting a rape should NOT be seen as any indication of a potential victim's honesty. Women might choose not to report a rape (or even tell anyone) out of fear of retribution; social shunning, even by family; or a lengthy and painful legal process.

Additionally, consider that most rapes are committed by someone that the potential victim knows and that the potential rapist here is the father of the fiance's child, someone with whom she very well could have had close proximity with. Is this really all that unbelievable?

I find it deeply concerning that most of your advice to this young man involved finding out whether his fiance was lying and not how to help her seek out professional help or even how this might affect their relationship. You didn't even offer him guidance on how to find out if she had indeed made it up. What if she has been raped and now you've encouraged the man she wants to marry to pry into the painful details of her story?

Anonymous said...

You should just avoid giving any kind of advice to people in these kinds of situations dude. You seriously have no idea what you're talking about, and what you're saying could be very damaging to innocent people. A girl gets raped, find out she's pregnant, then her fiance breaks up with her because some guy on the internet told him she lied.