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Thursday, January 30, 2014

Should She Marry Him?

Bro Jo...

I will try to keep this shorter. I've been dating this guy for weeks who is working on reactivating in the Church... I met him after he started coming back.

Anyway... Long story short, my will power was weak, and now I am no longer a virgin.

(There are good reasons they say to avoid being alone in the dark, kids. Don't make the same mistake I did.)

He proposed right after, but I didn't know what to say.

I know how stupid I was and that I knew better, and I am sorry.

I know I will probably just have to pray about it, but my questions are these:

1. Should I marry him? I don't want to get married just because I was an idiot. I worry that it would end in divorce. 
2. If/when we talk to the bishop, will he keep it to himself? I think it would probably be best to go to him and ask for advice, but I don't know that I could handle his disappointment right now. And I really couldn't handle others finding out. 
3. Can you please give me some comfort and kind guidance? I'm already pro at making myself feel awful for mistakes. 

- Name Withheld

Dear NW,

As I posted on the Facebook page a few days ago, "sex" is not enough of a reason to marry.

Neither is regret.

(Or Love, for that matter, but we can discuss that topic later.)

1. If you love him, and (I think, more importantly) if you want to begin to start a family, and Eternal Family, together, then that's the reason to get married. 
You're right; simply marrying because you did something dumb does not for a great marriage make.

Now, if you're pregnant then you both need to give serious thought as to whether or not that means that you've already started your family.

(And, as an "abortion survivor"- Bro Jo was adopted at birth - I beg of you, if you are pregnant, please do your best to carry the baby to term.)

2. You need to talk to the Bishop right away. I'm hoping you get this in time to talk to him this Sunday. 
Whether or not he keeps it to himself (or feels disappointed) is not what's important (though I'm sure he will); what's important is that you do what's necessary to get yourself back to being Temple Worthy.

For the record, he's not supposed to tell anyone unless he needs to confer with higher priesthood authority or convene a disciplinary council. Neither of those is likely in your case, plus if they are, he'll tell you beforehand.

3. It's the Spirit that is the Comforter as he helps you feel the love and forgiveness of the Savior. What you need to do, in my opinion, is become a pro at feeling the Love of Christ in your life. 
And yes, that means in this instance talking to your Bishop.

All will be well.

But, and I can't emphasize this enough, you and this boy need to not be alone together in any situation or setting where this can happen again until you do get married, if you do.

Remember, a big part of true repentance is learning from our mistakes and not repeating them.

And one last thing for the "kids" to know, never NEVER have sex thinking it will lead to a marriage proposal; not only does it almost never happen, some people will try to convince you to do that which you shouldn't with words of "love" and empty promises of marriage.

- Bro Jo

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Being physically attracted to the person you want to marry is important but perhaps not the most important thing. You need to look at how you feel emotionally too. Can you trust him? Can you talk to him about anything and work out problems together? Mentally is he a good match? Is he of similar intelligence? If you are smarter can you handle the difference or vice versa? Do you share some common interests? Most couples enjoy spending lots of time together. Do you feel comfortable or awkward when you are with him? If you have to think of all the activities or do all the talking that will get old real fast:) Does he want to be your partner or just a playmate who wants to use you to satify himself? Were you raised in similar economic, cultural or social ways? For example if one of you was rich and the other poor that marriage will take more work. But the most important considerations are spiritual. Is he a worthy priesthood holder who will bless your future family? Does he have the same spiritual goals ex. a temple marriage, mission etc. Sometimes we make an eternal decision looking only at what we can see but if we are wise we will ask Heavenly Father for his opinion. He can see the future and he knows best if this person is a good match for us. Do take the time to repent because you will want to feel clean on the day you choose to get married. If you take some time to think about this decision I'm sure you'll figure it out:)