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Monday, January 27, 2014

He Loves Me? He Loves Me Not?

Dear Bro Jo,

I stumbled across your blog by accident and I am glad I did!

I don't know if I really need "solving" but I do need to get it out.

I don't have any sisters... and my best friend is on her mission . . . so here goes...

February two years ago my best friend came to visit me at school.

We met for lunch with her boyfriend & his friend and one of my friends.

I thought his friend was lazy and stupid. (Snap judgments . . .).

Then a few months later my friend came again with her boyfriend who invited his friend unbeknownst to her who had invited me.

We ate lunch again and it was really fun!

I liked him a bit after that.

Then in July her boyfriend & this friend visited us at work.

Then my birthday came around... this boy got my number from his friend &; wished me a Happy Birthday.

I was flattered.

Then two weeks later us four went on a road trip to where they had served their missions.

On this road trip... the boy and I kissed.  I was even dating someone at the time..bad news.. bad news..

I was honest with both of them and ended up breaking up with him shortly after.

So back to the story..

After this boy and I kissed school started and we both attended the same school and lived a couple blocks from each other.

We started "hanging out" or "dating" a bit but never officially said declared boyfriend girlfriend status.

His roommate actually started introducing me as his the girlfriend before he ever did.

I hate confrontation and bringing things up so I never did.

I read a text from my boyfriend to another girl (I wasn't snooping... it really was displayed on the counter and I happened across it).

She had last February (6 months after we kissed) if he and I were dating yet... he told her no.

What the crap???

Anyway, back to the story...

We saw each other a lot from August to Christmas Break.

I met most of his family since his parents lived in a different state.

He had a nephew born January and his mom came up to visit.. he invited me to dinner to meet her and his grandparents.

Then the whole family visited in March and I met them all.

I was also introduced to all of his closest friends during this time.

I moved home after school and he ended up moving in with my friend's boyfriend from earlier who lives a block away under the pretenses of taking classes at a closer school over the summer never saying he moved up here to be closer to me.

We drove 10 hours to spend 5 days with his family in May and have been together a lot going on all sorts of adventures/dating and just having fun.

His sister recently got married and I was invited to all of the festivities as if I was apart of the family.

So, I guess what I am getting at after all of this confusion...  It has been a year (I think a year.. I have no idea what he considers official) but a year since we first kissed..and started spending all of our time together.

In all this time we have never spoken of getting married to each other.. he has never said "I love you" and I have never said it either because I firmly believe the man should step up and say it first.

I do love him though.. and I try to do things to show him.

I guess what I am wondering is am I wasting my time?

Is he just using me?

Biding his time until he finds something he likes better.. doesn't want to be alone?

Am I over thinking?

I have graduated college now and he has a couple years left.

We will be living 40 minutes away from one another.

I don't know how that will work out.

I know what I need to do is ask him these questions but I do not know how.

It feels better writing all of this out.

I would love to be married to him!

I believe in him and know he would be a great daddy, he is sweet, kind, can fix things, smart, humble and a worthy priesthood holder.

I just don't know if after a year I can wait anymore to hear the words "I love you" and start making plans for a future together?

How can I bring this up without scaring him?

Should I?

Thank you so much for your time and help,

- He loves me, He loves me not?

P.S. I am now 22 & he is 24.

Dear Loves,

I have some questions, although the answers may not change anything.

See, I'm not clear if you two are dating or "hanging out ".

Does he officially ask you on dates?

When you're together does he hold your hand?

Is the first time you kissed the last time you kissed?

Or are you at the point now where there's making out on a regular basis?

Do you two kiss hello and good-bye?

I think the answers to those questions may give you the answer you're looking for.

But, regardless, it's time to have the Determine The Relationship (DTR) talk.

You won't be able to make any decision without it.

[Side note: I checked with Sister Jo; and she and I never had one. She reminded me that we spent so much time together, said the "I love yous” and talked marriage pretty openly, so there were no doubts.]

You need to put a little pressure on, but can do it in a nice way.   (The guy IS 24 after all!)

The key, I think, is to not do much talking yourself.

Sit him down.

Very soon.

And say:  "look, I need to hear from you where you think we are in this relationship; where do you see this going and when do you see it getting there?"

And then stop talking.

Don't let him dodge you with a "what do you mean” line.

If he says that simply repeat your opener.

Just sit and listen.

Don't answer the question yourself until you feel he's given you a complete answer.

If he needs encouragement then hold his hand.

But Be Smart enough to Be Quiet.

Good luck!

Let me know how it goes.

- Bro Jo

Dear Bro Jo,

You responded so quickly!

I figured I'd quickly clear up some of the questions for you and for me.

We are dating.

When introduced now I am his girlfriend.. or the line "we're dating" comes up.

We do go on official dates together.

And when we are together he does hold my hand.

We kiss hello/goodbye & yes, we make out on a regular basis.

So, I guess I do have my answer.

It would just be nice to hear it out loud.

I like the way you put it "where do you see this going and when do you see it getting there".

For some reason I just did not know how to formulate the question to the answer I need to know.

Thanks so much!!

I'll Be Smart enough to Be Quiet and we'll see how that goes.

- Loves

Dear Readers,

I never did hear back from "Loves", so I don't know how the conversation went.

- Bro Jo


Anonymous said...

Only slightly related to this post.. So... is making out OK on occasion if you are an adult, done appropriately and in a committed relationship headed to marriage?

Bro Jo said...

I recommend it.

- Bro Jo