Keep it Casual

Dear Brother Jo,

I'm a Junior in High School. I'm nearly 17 and I don't have a lot of experience in the dating area. Okay, so I have no experience in the dating area, or the romantic aspect of life for that matter.

Here's the story: I've been best friends with this guy since 1st grade. I've never thought of him the romantic way, until a couple of years ago. He moved into my ward my Freshman year. I was so excited!  My best friend was finally in the same ward! I soon started to realize that I was developing a crush on him, though. I didn't tell him; I didn't tell anyone.

I did not want to ruin our friendship on something that was probably just a fleeting crush. However, those feelings didn't subside. I still didn't act on my feelings because I wasn't 16 yet.

Yet, my sister started liking him too. I mean, who could blame her? He's the sweetest and cutest guy I know.

Of course she didn't know I like him (I never told her). She's about a year and a half younger than me and about ten times prettier too. When he found out that she liked him, he was thrilled. They liked each other for a while, but then things got dramatic and ended badly in June. I still like him, but I was careful not to flirt with him, just in case my sister still felt hurt. After a month she was fine.

I was hoping he would ask me out on my first date during the summer. But summer came and went without any dates. So, school started and I was still hopeful that he might like me. I was really hoping he'd ask me to the homecoming dance. However, another one of my friends asked him. So they went as friends and I stayed home. I was jealous, but they were just friends, she said. A couple of days ago, my friend (the one who asked my best friend/crush) to homecoming called me and said she like him and was pretty sure he liked her too.

I still haven't told anyone about my crush, but now I don't know what to do. I thought that he might have like me over the summer, but now I don't know. Of course I want to be friends with him still. He is my best friend after all, but whenever I'm around him, I can't help seeing him in a romantic light. And I also don't want to keep getting hurt indirectly, you know?

Anyways, I was hoping that you had some good advice for me.

~ Stuck as Just Friends


Dear Stuck,

If ever there was a letter that exemplified everything I’ve ever said about “Men and Women Can’t Be Close Friends without Romance Getting in the Way” and “You shouldn’t have a Boyfriend or Girlfriend in High School”, this is it.

(This letter is like High School Soap Opera with all the drama going on.)

Let’s face it: you don’t want to be “just a friend”, you’ve never wanted to be “just a friend” and 6 years from now if this guy up and marries your sister it will bother you at least until you get married, maybe even longer.

(Heck, I think you’ll be bothered by your unrequited feelings regardless of whomever he marries.)

As I’ve also said, so many times, Communication is the Key. You probably should have been upfront with your sister before they “started liking each other” (whatever THAT means – I think it’s probably code meaning that they were Boyfriend and Girlfriend, right?), but there’s no guarantee that would have saved you any heartache.

Perhaps you’ve been right to keep things to yourself, but I think it’s time you start helping yourself, too.
It’s time to get you a date!

(Preferably several dates!)

Start with your buddy; put him on the spot.

“Here I am nearly 17 and no one’s ever asked my on a group date; don’t you think that’s a tragedy? I hold you personally responsible. Why don’t you get a couple guys together and plan something and ask me out?”
Several things are going to happen here, and while it may not turn out the way you hope, it might, and either way, it will all be good.

(Check out Bro Jo's "How a Girl Can Get a Guy to Ask Her on a Date" for some other ideas)

He may do just as you suggest; if he’s smart and the good guy you think he is, he will.

And if he does, you will have made a big leap in your own social confidence and experience and you will have helped him (and his friends as well) with a little Casual Group Date Training.

If he doesn’t, if he falters, makes some excuse, or backs away (which he might) you will have learned some very valuable information, namely: where you stand with this boy.

It may be that he wasn’t so much your friend as he was using you to get to your sister. Maybe not, but if that’s the case, the sooner you find out the better.

Ultimately, I’m banking that he IS a good guy, and you’ll start going on a few dates, first with him, and then with some other guys.

And, who knows, maybe when you’re older, if you’re both still single, something more will happen.

But for now keep it casual. Stick to the Dating Rules. And have fun!

- Bro Jo