Being Involved from Afar

Hi Bro Jo,

I'm not sure that you would remember me. I wrote to you many months ago about feeling like I didn't really want to get married. I think the post was entitled something like "The road less travelled...". I apologise that I never got back to you after reading your advice. At first I was a little annoyed about the comments about dressing to be a rebel etc. since I am really not like that. I am unremarkably average in that department. However I do see that with little information you had to speak generally, and I appreciate this.

So, the reason I write is to follow up. Recently I had a life changing experience (too special to share really) that cracked open my heart to the idea and doctrines of marriage. While I was never anti in general, I realised that I was really closing myself off. I realised that was self preservation after having been hurt badly a few times, but that my attitude was wrong. I am now on board with new determination and faith. It's a hard thing to feel humbled and changed and it isn't easy opening myself up to potential rejection and hurt but if I am never married it will not be my own fault.

So here is the thing. I am now doing everything I can do. I am attending YSA activities. I recently made some friends in the nearest large city and have been attending activities there and meeting people. I have the goal to go at least once a month. More if the practicalities of life allow. I have been meeting people and using some of your flirting techniques and tips - no real biters though and I think the problem is that I'm just not on site. Things tend to naturally fizzle with distance.

So what do I do about that? How do I keep 'em interested from afar? Will that happen naturally if the man is keen enough? I have considered relocating permanently and it's an option. But is not really practical or possible for a while at least because of some commitments I have where I live.

These may seem like silly little questions - but I could use any advice as I throw myself back into this process.

Thoughts?

On the road again. (That's a lame sign off - but the best I could think of.)



Dear On the Road,

I remember you! (and I like the signature)

And I'm grateful that you realized that I was speaking generally, and didn't mean to imply that you were dressing like a rebel; I was only talking about some of the things people do as a manifestation of how they feel.

So I'm glad to hear you're doing well!

I actually have a bit of experience regarding your latest dilemma . . . after some disastrous "long distance" relationships I swore I'd never date anyone that lived more than twenty miles away. Then I met and fell for a girl who lived further than anyone I'd ever liked before. We met working at the same place, and she went back to school . . . two states away! When she finally moved back home she was still further than anyone I'd ever dated (we commuted in opposite directions). Her house was a two-and-a-half hour drive away - each direction. But I really, REALLY liked her . . . so . . . long story short: we now call her Sister Jo. (So, what I mean to say is: I was keen enough, and I stayed interested.)

A relocation may be a very good idea, depending on your personal circumstances. I live in a predominantly non-LDS area, and my frequent response to the complaints from YSAs about there not being many possible dates here (which, by the way, is more an issue of their lacking than a lack of people) I tell 'em "Move! You want to be surrounded by tons of LDS singles, you need to go to where they are. You're not going to catch a trout in the desert! You won't find a kitten at the alligator store, and despite the slogan they don't sell love at McDonalds."

As far as keeping someone interested, what Sister Jo and I did was write. We're old, so the internet, cellphones and texting weren't options. We wrote by hand and sent care packages. Even with all of the modern conveniences I still think writing by hand is better. Getting a message by post, with the anticipation and the obvious way that hand writing a letter takes more thought and care, really can build a relationship in the way that email can't.

Talking to each other on the phone is good, too, but I think it's wise to let the guy do the calling (much in the same way that I endorse that, with very few exceptions, the guy do the asking out as well). Now it's perfectly acceptable for you to call a guy and say "hey, it's me, I just wanted to let you know that I don't call guys but I'd like to talk to you right now" and then quickly hang up before he can respond; that's the same thing as telling a guy he should ask you out.

Sister Jo says that there's a lot of power in being "afar". You don't want "out of sight, out of mind", but you don't want "hanging around all the time" either.

Good luck, and have fun!

- Bro Jo